Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Over the worrying!

I've been wondering what will happen if I just stop worrying about the emotional meltdowns and stop trying to extinguish this behavior. No matter what my husband and I do, our son is going to have at least 1-2 major emotional meltdowns per day. I think I've come to the conclusion that ds6 is simply incapable of handling stress in any other way. I have felt this great need to find the perfect behavior modification technique to address this behavior and "teach" ds that it's inappropriate to throw a fit when he either is frustrated or doesn't get his way. Even ds is aware that he over-reacts, but he's unable to help himself. Nothing we do makes any difference, so I'm letting myself off the hook. When it starts, he goes to his room and that's that. I'm not going to worry about "teaching him a lesson" or doing the right thing as a parent. I'm going to do NOTHING and hope he grows out of it. I'm done!!! No more worrying if he's having an emotional breakdown, if he's a brat, if he's hypoglycemic/hungry, if he's tired, if he's had too much TV, if he's mentally unstable, or if he's going to be this way when he's 15. God help us, but just maybe it's part of who he is. All I know is I'm going to start having my own daily meltdowns if I don't stop worrying about it. So, I'm just accepting it as a part of our lives right now...only I refuse to address it anymore, even if that means locking myself in my room until it's over.

Anyone else just let it happen and move on? I honestly can't take it anymore. Thanks for "listening" to my rant. No one else seems to be able to relate!

I haven't reached that point yet but one day soon I hope to! It'll save you a lot of stress and worrying!

LOL!! I posted this, and then spent the last hour reading about emotional sensitivity in gifted children! I vow to ingore it, and then I read that it might be best to help my son talk through his frustration. I worry (there I go again!) that I'll just be reinforcing it if I have a big discussion in the middle of the meltdown. I think if I can just let myself be ok with the fact that this is just how ds is...it's a part of him and nothing that I have to remediate, I'll feel better. I'm always concerned that there's something wrong with him, but it seems to be a classic case of emotional overexcitability. From what I read, there's a good chance he'll always be that way. My sister is this way, and she's 28!

Hmm, i have a 6 yr old also. We're trying to have child help themself by noticing earlier that frusteration is at level 1 and let child choose what they can do about it... needs reminders (gently, of course!) ...

And yes, we monitor if hungry, if tired, if too much stimulus, etc etc. Depending on how school was, after school is usually tough as child will dump held-onto feelings to me, which I understand. Poor thing.

I understand how you feel though as I often feel that way, ... maybe this is the way it is. But I don't want child to grow up like how I felt. That I was impossible and that no one could help me. That no one understands. Or, even, asking why am I like this? Why are other people not like this?

I'm thinking that if I can give child the cognitive behavior understanding, child can learn to manage it themselves. But since child is 6, it will probably take the next 5 years to learn to manage their own behavior. It helps my child to know they are not the only one like this. Many gifted children are intense and have a special frustration level -- only because in their minds they expect that they can do this or that, but they are not able to. Also, the need to get things Just Right, or perfect (sigh) and frustration with not being able to. Like, for example, child saw on tv an art project that involved cardboard and child attempted it using paper. It was a disaster, as obviously the paper couldn't hold up. Sigh. And the persistence to try and finish it despite that! Bahaha... But I suppose when they're 12, it will be a different problem and not just cardboard vs. paper problem. Aagh!

We've also told child to (after the meal) to reflect on how it feels before meal? Tired? Easier to feel frusterated? And then how do you feel after the meal? Much better? etc etc

Omg, I hope all this helps us in the long run. But I suppose if this isn't working for us, we would still do it, in hopes that it helps, because otherwise, it would be ... ahem, frustrating. Heh.

I did. My DS went through a period of rage and frustration related to justice/fairness (just about on a daily basis) and no matter the intervention employed it made no difference to the outcome. It was so bad at one point that he had counselling and still it made no difference. So eventually I let him have his meltdown without intervening, either he would go to his room or I would just listen. I often thought at the time that allowing him to vent his feelings this way reduced the meltdown time and he was far more settled and at peace with himself afterwards. He eventually grew/matured out of it at about 10 or 11 with no obvious ill effects.

BTW, he has become a very calm and rational teenager, to the point that I can't remember the last time he lost his temper or raised his voice, even when his sister tries to "push his buttons"!!!

At 10 or 11? Woohoo!

why don't you check out the Nurtured Heart approach? Lectures during a meltdown are not recommended. I feel for you since I have a highly emotional three year old that I hope is less sensitive at six.

Mine has been this way since birth. We've already had our first breakdown this morning. We usually have one in the morning an hour or so after breakfast and one in the afternoon around 3:00. It's interesting that there's a pattern to it. The new stimulus for the frustration is the Nintendo Dsi game he got for Christmas. He expects to master these games right away rather than play them for weeks at a time before moving up levels. Also, it's all he wants to do, so there's a meltdown every time I tell him he can't play his video game. I'm considering calling Santa and asking him what the heck he was thinking!

I get very frustrated with the meltdowns, so I suppose that it would make a difference if I could appear to be neutral and unemotional in the midst of them. I try really hard, but after a while I know my feelings are clear to him. He's very sensitive other people's feelings.

I'm really hoping that eventually he'll be calm and rational, Matmum! I can't imagine having to do this for 4 more years, but hopefully if I can let go of trying to control the outbursts it won't drive us all crazy. In between the meltdowns he's a pleasant, fun, and very insightful child to be around. We have great conversations and have a wonderful relationship. I just don't know how to get through to him when he breaks down. He's also started saying things like, "I hate my life," "I wish I were dead," "I don't like feeling this way," and, "I don't want to be alive anymore." I truly don't think he understands exactly what this means, but I know he feels deeply upset when he's in meltdown mode. It could be over something very minor, but he feels it deeply. I can remember having the same thoughts as a child because everything seemed crucial. I also had a hard time putting things in perspective and actually didn't learn that skill until adulthood and after experiencing lots of tragedy in a short amount of time. Obviously, I'm concerned about those statements he makes, but he later tells me he doesn't mean the things he says. As a mother, it's tough to hear though.

Anyone resort to medication to address these emotional outbursts? I'm very reluctant to use any kind of medication, but would it help him control himself?

Wow Jen! I just found this thread. I wish you could have seen the huge smile on my face when I read this! I am jumping up and down - cheering!

I really believe that this is the right approach for your family right now. All the second guessing is your own perfectionism, keeping you from moving ahead. Your sister is like this - it's not such a bad way to be, really!

Afterall, If you son is pleasant and happy 23 hours of the day, and freaking out in his room 1 hour a day - most people would trade places with him!

Love and More Love,
Grinity

And I think that he'll feel better too. It is a gift to accept people for how they are, even if you set your intention for things to be better in the future.

I'll tell you a funny story. All through elementary school, the school folks complained that DS was 'too emotional.' There was a 'we have to teach him now so that he can handle bigger challenges when he is older.'

Then he got to middle school and basically stayed the same, but now no one complained, because all the kids were the exact same way!

As DS put it: 'It's as though all my friends have PMS every day of the month, and that's just the boys. The girls are worse!'

Nice to finally have some company.
L&ML,
Grinity