Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Children who express the desire not to be children

But isn't your experience of adulthood one with tons of restrictions? Think about all the things you'd like to be doing, and then think of all the things that keep getting in the way of that... work, household chores, errands, child care, etc. All of those things you're responsible for restrict your choices, just as you restrict hers.

Sure, nobody is absolutely forcing you to do anything beyond the minimum, but I'm sure you accept certain responsibilities anyway. For example, it's perfectly possible for a family to ignore dirty dishes and overflowing garbage for months at a time, but I'm assuming that's a lifestyle you haven't chosen to experience.

And this is exactly why being an adult normally feels like being in a prison.

Very true.

On the other hand, as an adult, that is a "choice."

For kids whose desire is based in autonomy, that isn't necessarily off-putting in and of itself. Their problem isn't rooted in a desire to NOT be forced to do things they don't feel like doing, but a desire to be able to make decisions about what to do and when-- for themselves.

Ding ding ding! Yes. This is it exactly for DD. It's not so much that she would choose to do things so very differently. She just wants to make the choices herself.

BTW, I don't feel like being an adult feels like being in a prison at all. I think I have quite a lot of freedom and I appreciate it. I get why DD feels that she doesn't. We tell her what to eat, what she's going to do each day (largely), when to go to bed, what she can and can't do in the house, etc. And I don't think we're overly restrictive.

Would it be possible to identify a few things where she is able to make the decisions particularly something she feels strongly about - and then sit down and have her explain why she made the decision and then try it? Since its summer, you might be able to give her some more leeway and you might be surprised that her choice is effective rather than just not your choice.

Part of this maybe age. I remember my mom, whose view was to pick your battles and let the rest go, ltthough from my point of view, EVERYTHING was controlled.) When I wanted to wear make up at 13 she was against it but decided to take me to a make up artist thinking that if she was going to lose this battle (since I could put it on when I left the house) at least I would know how to do and perhaps would look less like something I shouldn't. Same thing when I wanted designer jeans, she told me the yearly clothing budget I wasnt particualrly aware of, gave me a credit card, and said go shopping. I spent my yearly budget on like 3 pairs of jeans and was fine with it. Which really surprised her. It taught her she could give me more free rein and I learned about money and credit cards as the bill came and had to be paid. But I was 16 at this time. So I am not sure how feasible this is with an 8yr old but maye this is the asynchrony at work - maybe she is ready for some preteen type independence which would not be granted because of the idea of age and maturity. Just athought, although I am probably in the ridiculously overprotective realizing I baby DS too much room right now, he is losing everything he owns at camp, likely because we have allowed him to be less than repsponsible, so might have to take me with a grain of salt here!!!

DeHe

"Overly restrictive" is a subjective term. One person might see the same behavior as excessive permissiveness, and another might see it as too restrictive. It seems like she's trying to tell you that you both see things differently here.

FTR, I don't feel like adulthood is a prison, either, because the responsibilities I have today are ones I have chosen to accept. And that's the key, isn't it? You say your DD wouldn't do things very differently if given the choice... so why not give it to her?

We don't tell DD7 what to eat, or wear, or do in the house. We simply set the boundaries on what she cannot eat, wear, or do. Within those boundaries... go nuts.

Yup. We're both "boundary" types of parents, too. Probably because we both understand (completely) the drive for autonomy, having been this type of child at one time.

We occasionally err in not being more vigilant about paying attention to the details, mind. But mostly it works out pretty well.

Well, we could go back and forth on microparenting stuff here, but rest assured that we do try to give her as much freedom as possible while also watching out for her best interest (eg--she would like to stay up till all hours reading, but she is a very unpleasant person the next day if she does that, so no). And as with everyone else here, I'm sure, her needs and desires have to subsumed to the larger family needs at times, so she may want to stay home and do something, but the fact is that DH and I need to go to XYZ place and I don't consider her old enough to stay home alone for four hours, etc. Or, she doesn't like what's for dinner and wants to cook her own meal using a new cookbook, but I really don't have the patience or time at that moment because we need to get out the door to another activity. You can imagine. It's stuff that isn't exactly unreasonable, per se, and could work if one was an adult, but isn't really practical for a child. And it's just life. KWIM? Yeah. It's hard to get around.

We do tell my DD when to go to bed on school nights, but I suppose even that's a boundary, because she can do whatever she likes up to that time.

As far as providing food choices, here's how it works in our family, feel free to incorporate/disregard anything you see. If our DD7 doesn't like what's for dinner, she has a number of options, though these are now limited to the quickie variety (quesadilla/sandwich/microwavables/leftovers/etc.) because DW already spent all that time on something else. DW also incorporates some simple accommodations for DD when she cooks. For example, rice sides are always either rice pilaf or Spanish rice, because those are the ones DD likes. If DW is incorporating ingredients DD likes (like meat or tomato sauce) with those she doesn't (like potatoes or mushrooms), and it can't be picked out easily, she'll set aside a small amount without that ingredient for DD. Just little stuff. Whenever it's a new food, the only thing we ask is that she try it.

And on the nights where DW doesn't have a plan, and we have the dinner conversation, we invite DD to participate (though "What should we have for dinner?" is usually immediately followed by "No, not Taco Bell."). So she has a voice in the process, even if we don't pick any of her suggestions, which is fine, because we don't always pick mine or DW's, either.

Obviously we all have our wants subsumed by the needs of the family unit at various times (DD just spent 4 hours at a car dealership), and there has to be some give and take on everyone's part. But it's so easy for parents to forget to give in to the child at times, or to negotiate so you both still get what you want. For example, when your DD comes to you with a recipe she wants to try, that's a good activity she has chosen for herself. So if you have to tell her "no" because it's not a good time, are you giving her an alternative time?

Another suggestion: the "yet another activity" comment suggests that maybe there are too many structured, scheduled activities, so that's something to think about. Free play is a vital component of child development, and an over-scheduled child would definitely feel stressed and controlled, so this might be the underlying source of her reaction. Having more time in the week would relieve stress on you, too.

No, no, not "yet another activity." "Another activity." Not to nitpick, but we are huge on free play here. DD takes no lessons at all, actually (may have gone overboard here) and is in only one very low-key school-year activity and a few after-school clubs (chess, art). Regardless, I actually don't want to get into "How can we give DD more autonomy?" because that's something I am actively considering at all times and it would be repetitive to get into here when no one knows our parenting practices, so that part isn't really where I want the thread to go (she said as politely as possible).