Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy deterioration; we're at a loss to find solutions

There seems to be a lot of emotion circling around this math class in particular. Sounds like your DH is just fed up (understandably perhaps) and went with a kind of dramatic, but maybe unrealistic, "solution".

Finding a math tutor would be a less radical solution than switching to "traditional school" but might really help diffuse the situation. Especially since it sounds like the other classes are going fine with the virtual school.

Well, not "fine," really...
there are other problems, mostly related to perfectionism and the assessment scheme being what it is with the virtual school (lots of multiple choice, very few open-ended or discussion assessments, mostly 3-5 item assessments where one wrong answer drops more than a letter grade on the assignment).

So the right B&M placement could be awesome academically, and be terrific for her. It would come with terrible risks... but there could be a point where that might be worth it.


I mean, I know what is going on in her head. I just don't have any handle on fixing it.

She's decided that having to work means she's not as smart as she thinks (traumatic), and that self-handicapping or avoidance is a better solution than facing her fears and risking "failure" in the course with an authentic effort at the material.

It's going to happen again at some point with other subjects. I predict physics would be next, actually. Maybe statistics.

Yes, I think it was just a dramatic act on his part, but honestly, it's unfathomable to me on either the disability level (seriously-- that alone would make many school administrators quake), or the PG one.

She's one of those "unteachable" kids. When she hits a wall, boy, she's sullen and uncooperative and just all out NASTY-- because it makes her feel stupid, YK?

She's a 110%, solid-gold Perfectionist who HATES work that isn't meaningful, but fears failure. Putting the bar lower for someone like that just seems to be counter to every bit of advice on the subject. But DH won't hear it from me (and he wonders where DD gets that refractory streak from). <ugh>

HK
I have to say, this so so stressful. Are you getting any breaks?

Do you think he got mad because in a sense he got played? I mean it's okay if she does this stuff to you, but she wouldn't do this to him!

Family dynamics are always fun to begin with, throw in health issues, PG and homeschooling and I think you officially have your hands full.

I haven't BTDT yet, but I have BTDT with the different approaches to parenting and teaching. Maybe the two of them should sit down and figure out what went wrong and why, you know what you would do differently, but maybe some problem solving from them would reframe in a way that you thought having him take the lead would?

Would love to be more helpful!

DeHe

DeHe, I think that is exactly what was eating him. He secretly congratulates himself with the knowledge that he would never be sucked into DD's dramatics, never get played by her (though I try to tell him how wily she can be), etc. etc. He fantasizes about ME going to work so that HE could stay home and work with her...

(He has a sibling who has a similar mix of personality and behavioral traits to DD, too, so there's parenting better than his mom and dad managed wrapped up in this, too.)

It definitely doesn't help that he feels helpless in the face of her hormonal angst, and doesn't understand how self-handicapping and performance-avoidance works.



Just talking to someone else is helpful. They've gone off to a community college art class together, and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that they both come home unscathed...

LOL.

Ditto DeHe on taking a break!

My DH is a "fix the problem" kind of person, and I can see him doing exactly what your DH did. He sees that his method of "helping" with the math didn't work, he feels like he failed, and he needs to find a solution. But sending your DD to middle school as "punishment" doesn't sound like a good plan.

I would try to look for common ground with DH (once you aren't mad anymore) - you both want your daughter to be happy and successful and not have her schooling take up so much emotional energy in the house. Maybe make a list of options?

Hi Howler,

I don't have any advice on fixing the problem because we're so far away from that point, but I do get a sense of escalating tension and a certain amount of isolation because of your circumstances. I know that everyone here has given you really thoughtful advice, but because you're not at liberty to explain the whole situation and because, really, it is very complex, I really think you'd benefit from finding someone else to talk to for yourself. At the moment you sound a lot like what happens in my head when I am dealing with a really stressful situation. It becomes a whirlwind of frustration and endless thinking and I can no longer see for looking (I'm not saying the answer is right in front of you, just that I know I stop being able to see the bigger picture, which I need when I'm problem solving). Without having someone to support you at home, I'd really recommend finding someone outside of that space just to give you someone objective to speak to.

I really do feel for you. It sounds like such a stressful situation. I have often thought your dd sounds very much like an older version of my dd and I anticipate similar issues (though without the added stress of a disability in our case). Best of luck and do take care of yourself.

Hi Howler,
I hope you manage to find a psychologist/counselor/neuropsych whose word you feel comfortable with and trust. This is a situation that very much sounds like everyone has had too much and has gone to their seperate corners, not easily meeting in the middle. It seems like a hard situation, and there are a lot of conflicting points of view.

I don't know what she truly has going on, but she does sound like she needs support and help. I know I have said this before, but what if it isn't that she doesn't want to, it's that she is avoiding because of a LD or other issue. That causes avoidant behavior as well.

Example: Me. I am MG to PG. Most of my life, I read at the back of the class and caused no problems: did my homework easily, didn't have to study. No one caught that this was avoidance behavior. In MIT, I found myself stuck in a tangle of being a perfectionist, but not being able to force myself to study. I *could* study in the sense that I could learn the material, but everything distracted me, I couldn't focus, and I felt like a complete failure. I graduated by the skin of my teeth.

The reason I brought up ADHD inattentive is that it's the one that I fit, and it put my personal struggles into a different light. It wasn't that I had no will power or no ability to be responsible, but it was that I was dealing with a real personal handicap. I might have this combined with Aspeger's like my son does.

My point with the example is that sometimes a very capable kid who seems like they should be able to do something shows the avoidance behavior for a very real reason that needs to be addressed. Then, avoidance behavior can be seen in a completely new light that lets everyone get a handle on it. And, it eases your own pressure because you have at least an explanation, even if it brings with it a wealth of different hard work.

I've never met Annemarie Roeper, but I've always wished for a way to spend time with her. Just from the little I know about you HM, from reading your posts here, I get the idea that you and Annemarie would really see eye-to-eye. Dr. Roeper's assesment of giftedness doesn't result in a number, rather in important information to guide the parents.
http://roeperconsultationservice.blogspot.com/2010/11/testimonials-for-annemarie-roeper-edds.html

I think this is worth reconsidering. And I also really think it would be worth the time and money to do a phone consult with Gatto-Walden. (or Roeper as Grinity suggests) I know ideally you need someone local, but since options there are limited, I really think it is worth getting the perspective of someone outside the family who has lots of experience working with pg kids and families.

How incredibly frustrating.

My thought is that pretty much anything you do at this point is likely to make it worse. You need outside help. If that can't happen for a while I think your best bet would be to push the pause button. Be honest with your daughter "we are worried about what is happening and we don't know hot to best fix it. We know you are capable but something about the way this course is set up just isn't working We know there are answers out there that will get us all feeling better but we need to get help to fine them."

Meanwhile if you haven't already done so I would explore what kinds of options you have available for the "pause" button. Can she take a "w" or an "incomplete" math and start again with a new strategy and new supports in the fall?

Have you looked into the possibility of a phone consultation if travel is out of the question?