Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy deterioration; we're at a loss to find solutions

My 2pworth comes mostly from my memory of being an adolescent girl, not from the parental side. Just throwing it out:

- it really doesn't sound as though the virtual school is a good fit. (Assessment mostly by dubious multiple choice - eek!) It sounds as though you're seeing the transcripts as a major benefit - but is that really important? Plenty of homeschoolers without formal school involvement seem to get into good universities.

- you have years in hand at this point, in the sense that your DD is years ahead of her age peers. Could you maybe relax a bit and use one of them now? I guess this may mean undoing the idea that she's in "high school" now, but she's going to be the kind of applicant whose application needs to be looked at by a human rather than a computer, anyway, so surely that needn't be a problem. I think if I were you I'd offer time-limited unschooling, along the lines of "we'll do it this way for a year, and then reevaluate. If by then you've learned how to challenge yourself and work consistently to your own plan, and you want to continue, we'll certainly consider it, or maybe it'll make sense to go to timetabled schooling, or something in between. But we expect it to take a while for you to establish a pattern and we want to take the pressure off, so we won't worry about what it is you learn in that year: you choose."

- adolescence really can be that bad especially when one lacks friends and doesn't feel as though one fits in. Depression, even suicide, and anorexia are real and serious problems. Sneaking sweets does not rule out anorexia (actually, quite the reverse). Please take this seriously. Your DD clearly has a lot to cope with. Could you get her a good psychotherapist? Also, does she have trusted adults to talk to other than her parents (and if she has but doesn't see them often, can you quietly arrange more access)? Both might really help.

Another plagiarized idea from here, hiring college students as tutors might be cheap per hour. They might help her study that thing she has to study right now and she might let them because they're cooler than you. I don't want to sound like her school's more important than you guyses' health and sanity, but i hope the suggestion relieves some suffering. Plus they can show her study habits without nagging. They can get away with suggesting a lot more than you can and without losing popularity.

I read in the database that pg parents should have a therapist as a general rule because there's just so much to figure out while you're raising them. Maybe DYS has a directory of therapists screened, rated, and well-suited for you to talk to. Ok. I used the database search (see link upper left corner) for a therapist, I guess this is all they have:
http://www.davidsongifted.org/Searc...ontend&site=dgdb_all&q=Therapist

K. I'm a go read "teaching cheetah's to hunt" while my cub finishes nursing, lol.

I agree a lot with the other comments, look at it from the child's side. My comments were related more to circumstances where I was not in control and able to do what I would have done.

Punishment, threats, yelling and deal making is not what I feel is necessarily appropriate. The child may be having real problems with little control over herself. Talk calmly about any topics you can get a response out of, not necessarily about the problems or school. Take walks, get outdoors, do some new things. It sounds like your daughter may not deal well with too much time indoors given the seasonal aspect. Don't ask her to do anything on her own, ask her to do things with you.

Take it seriously as was said and worry about how she feels. What worries me in this case is the lying. This can be anything from a temporary phase to a serious issue. I really don't know if any of these ideas of right in this case.

I agree with Jamiett. My daughter went through the same thing at that age. She is better with other people than she is with me. It is heartbreaking, but it does get better when the hormones get straightened out a little.

Can you bring someone else in on her studies - such as her father? For some reason, my daughter listens to him a little more. This is def a mother/daughter issue.

1) Professional to rule out Depression and ADHD
2) Medical to follow up on the eating thing.
3) Keep up with the Dentist if she is going to be living on candy for a while
4) Take her out of the virtual High School - going to high school is a privilege, she need to demonstrate that she is ready for High School Level output - independently and politely - before you agree for her to stay with the program.
5) Is she well enough to enroll in a community college class or university class AS AN AUDITOR. Hire a tutor to give tests and papers based on her product level.
6) Is she well enough to visit Reno and apply to Davidson Academy? It may not make sense to send her there, but I think going through the admission process, and meeting other kids like herself, might be helpful.

You say that she has 'interest of the day' - if so, let her pursue them. You have tried your best to slow her down all these years - she is asking to slow down with her behavior, so take advantage! Maybe don't think of it as unschooling, just as a Sabbatical without Internet Access?

OTOH, Maybe working on her current studies 2 days a week is perfect for her. But I wouldn't continue at any level she can't work independently at.

Love and More Love,
Grinity

I don't know if you've read the book Living with Intensity but it may be helpful.

I think it also couldn't hurt to contact Patricia Gatto-Walden on this--IMO she seems to particularly get gifted girls and women.

Hi, just a note on our ds10, the season of just not being able to get up in the morning, achiness, etc., starts around here in Nov., and doesn't let up through winter, it seems. Does your ds have other physical complaints besides just not feeling up to things? I had considered it was just the result of school being a HUGE nothing for him. Summer he is perfect.

Of course every bug on earth is going around Nov-May so that is always something to consider but we are prone to sinus infections, so I have lately been much more aggressive in treating a sinus infection, running humidifiers, etc.
Ds was also depressed around age 8/9, so I keep a lookout for that as well, but overall I think we have finally solved some of this with the sinus infection angle. I do hope you find your solution.

I have a friend up the street who's daughter is now doing virtual high school while she deals with sinus related issues (also gt), this was leading to very poor sleep, general inability to get out of bed, etc. (We also saw dark circles under ds' eyes, tummy aches<-- not able to eat, especially in the morning, neck pain, crankiness)

I wonder if your daughter is a closet eater. My cousin's son is like this and to him eating is as private as having sex is to some people. He does not only not want his parents to know he eats, but he does not even want them to see him getting food. He's gotten better with the getting food part. But it's been years since anyone has seen him eat. His private eating places are his room and the bathroom. He hides the plates under his bed, in closets and various other places. So you might want to ensure your daughter has the ability to sneak healthy food into her secret eating places without fear of being caught. If she is fearful of being caught, she may decide to either not eat or steal food from some other source. Then every so often search for the dishes. I suspect she may be extremely private about almost anything she is doing right now. The lying goes along with this.

About one out of four people in my family have sleep issues. I think it may be Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrom, but nobody has ever been assessed. It is most common in people with Norwegian ancestry, so this fits well with my family. It is not only the sleep phase which is off, but the metabolism also is shifted.

Neither of these may be your daughter's problems, but as so few people have heard of these before, I figured I would mention them. These rare conditions are often unknown to most of the experts. I would not be surprised if the closet eating may be a possibility however.

I very much disagree with this. Sorry Texican!

Sounds like if there is no eating disorder presently, she's setting herself up for one down the line. I agree with the part about educating her about nutrition, but I would discourage any faddish diet. Since she's still young enough for you to exert control I would put a stop to the sneaking candy thing pronto.

I understand your desire to maintain privacy, but it sounds like the medical issues are integral to your daughter's situation so I think the quality of the advice you receive is going to be compromised because of this missing piece of info. Not suggesting your disclose anything, just pointing out the obvious.

It sounds like you are facing bigger issues than just academics. To me, the fact that she is making other family members miserable is a huge red flag. Have you done all the obvious things? Same bedtime every day, same mealtimes every day (eaten sitting at a table), moderate exercise every day, healthy meals, no sugar, no caffeine?

If she's 11 and already doing HS work, is it possible to let her quit school for a while and learn something non-academic (and possibly physical)? Can she get a paper route, mow lawns, be a mother's helper? What about just sending her to a regular school and letting her sink or swim? She might not learn much academically, but perhaps she would become motivated to be responsible for her own work (even if it's not at an appropriate level academically).

One of my sons is at a school where he is not learning anything at all, but my heart just bursts with pride when I see how responsible he is with his homework.