Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy deterioration; we're at a loss to find solutions

Outside of food on the table and a roof over their heads I think this is the most important thing parents can give their children. I think it's an expression of love. In some ways it's easier for parents of gifted children (becasue they are good at stuff) and in some ways it's harder (because they are good at stuff without effort).

I think something I will take away from this thread (for my own family) is a renewed consciousness that a smaller effort outside of the usual arenas of academics, sports, music, etc. is still an effort. All acomplishments are good and can contribute to a deserved sense of self worth.

LOL, Grinity-- I think so much of that is true.

As I noted to DH last night;

If he talks this way to ALL of his patients, perhaps this explains why he offers them all antidepressants, huh?

It was sort of astonishing to watch someone say, in just ten minutes, such a variety or exactly WRONG things to a person in crisis.

<shakes head>

He didn't even address the possibilities of bullying or of abuse either one. I thought that would have topped the list of things to ask about here.

<sigh>

Unfortunately, JaneSmith, I think that one of the underlying problems here is that DD has always gotten WAY more attention than we believe is healthy or earned-- for things that are more or less effortless for her. So she has bought into perfectionism from that angle. She's just too naturally good at way too many things-- which means that her entire perspective is skewed with respect to effort and actual aptitude. She writes like a moderately gifted 8th grader, so she feels she is "mediocre" or even "lousy" at writing. Uhhh... she's eleven. So really, okay, her writing skills are not on part with, say, her natural aptitude for science, where she is easily capable of introductory college level material at this point. But in the absense of her GLOBAL academic gifts, that writing ability alone would place her as a GT student. Further still, high ability in and of itself is not "praiseworthy" and we have a terrible time getting adults to STOP DOING IT. It puts us between a rock and a hard place, though, because if we lie/evade questions about her academics, that sends her the message that she should be ashamed. The attention embarrasses her and makes her feel like a sideshow freak, for one thing (she knows that most of the time, random adults are not fascinated/impressed by kids her age), and for another, it's no different than praising a child for having lovely skin or nice hair, or a particular shoe size... it makes them focus on the wrong things for their own healthy self-worth and personal identity.

She quits if something ISN'T easy, because well, she assumes "I am just not good at _____." It's maddening. But she also doesn't tolerate repetition or arbitrary demands to "demonstrate" long-since mastered skills, either, which makes for a fairly narrow band-pass filter of appropriate challenge.

________________________

Ren, I think that is something that my DH is having trouble understanding here, too. He has only male sibs, and so he doesn't really understand "girl culure" at this age. It's complicated, no question. DD needs to find "the geek kids."

We're hoping that we can do that with either Robotics or with D&D. Unfortunately, we may NEED to pull back on one of her other extracurriculars to make that happen. DH has been reluctant for her to give up piano, but I see that as being on the table, too. Piano is a solitary activity. Maybe that isn't the best way of spending that time at this point, KWIM? Much as I know that she will eventually come to regret having "quit" piano (most people do), it may be more important to make room for something else that has a positive social component.

LMAOROFL-Fake ID's to sneak into middle school under age. That's priceless.

I think this reaction is fairly common among gifted kids. It's natural to some degree, too. If everything has always been easy, a young person has no concept of the fact that sometimes it's necessary to think hard about something before you get it --- no matter how smart you are. And of course, if she's never had to think hard, doing so will be quite a challenge at first. Focusing on something hard is not easy. It's a learned skill.

This idea probably applies to anyone who could be described as gifted (e.g. in sports or music).

I've talked about this idea at length with my eldest (almost 11). I tell him that people who aren't gifted in school learn to "think hard" from an early age. I also give him parallels in other areas (e.g. "Remember you thought you'd never be able to do a mohawk on ice skates? You kept trying, and now you can do it, right? Well, <insert subject name> is the same. Just keep trying.").

Piano may be a solitary activity for her right now, but please thing three times before encouraging her to give up active music, because at university that is one of the easiest ways to socialise that there is. Piano might not be quite as great for this as playing a stringed instrument was for me, but I certainly did a fair bit of playing chamber music that involved pianists so the pianists were certainly socialising a bit!

It really sounds as though her extracurricular activities are more educational than her curricular ones at the moment. Could you take advantage of that and drop some curricular stuff instead of the extracurriculars? I bet you could get any skill you consider essential to keep going in in connection with robotics, so it needn't be all or nothing. (Btw, perhaps your DD might be interested in some of the research work reported here - e.g. I heard a lovely talk by Barbara Webb recently about using robotic models of cricket behaviour to investigate biology.)

I agree. Did the doctor do anything about the weight loss?

This may not work for everyone, but one thing we did with our pediatrician early on was to make it very clear were were not seeking social or educational advice. We are capable of seeking out advice from other experts and sources of information. Most pediatricians don't have the kind of training to offer meaningful information about those topics and the topics are also pretty value laden and knowing we have some out of the mainstream opinions on those issues I don't expect a pediatrician will necessarily share our values.

So, my approach would be to simply cutoff the pediatrician and say that you would like to focus on medical issues. It sounds like there is plenty to be concerned about in that area and there isn't a need to waste time talking about her schoolwork.

Good suggestion. Different extracurriculars will offer her different opportunities for self exploration and social development.

Well, the holy grail of extracurricular activities would be a group of geeky teens playing RPG based on Doctor Who. I have heard tell that such a thing exists. We are investigating!

(Or Monty Python, or The Hitchhiker's Guide)

While the RPG components of D&D appeal, the basic fantasy-element of the game play is "Meh." She's more of a sci-fi and Metaphysics girl at this point. D&D might have appealed MORE about two years ago. The bonus, of course, is that it is great for executive skills and it tends to draw geek-type kids to start with.


She'd probably like being DM, but is not experienced enough for that. Yet.


Hmmm. Dropping back to fewer courses... She has a couple of electives right now, but one of them is one she's actually liking. (Consumer math-- applied personal finance type stuff, which she likes.) Dropping the other one, though-- now THAT is a possibility.

I wonder if we could still do that this late in the term?

Thanks for the ideas.

DD is happier and eating more normally now than just three days ago.

I think that this episode suggests that EARLY intervention (that is, when you first suspect a problem like this (possible ED) don't horse around and fail to seek professional help PRONTO.

DD seems ironically quite relieved that we understood that this was a call for help.

Oh dear, HowlerKarma, what a ridiculous situation for your daughter and you to be in. That Dr obviously has some issues! Maybe a hint of his own existential depression? Not to mention he needs a new job.

Anyway, I'm glad stuff is getting better and I really hope the trend continues.

I am with CollinsMum. Stay with the piano, it is good for discipline and work habits -- if she has to practice.

But I would go with athletic extracurriculars, to help with a good balance in her body image and meet kids her age with which she would have something in common with. Sports can be a great connector. Gymnastics, tennis, track & field. Something she can be around a bunch of kids.

I also agree that food issues should always be taken seriously. And it doesn't have to be anorexia. It could go to bulmia, if she is sneaking candy. Girls fall into food issues way too easily. Especially as those hormons kick in and they get "rounder".

Ren