Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Good child/bad child

I heard a speaker who mentioned each child in the family wanting their own place in the spotlight. IF one child is the good one then the other takes on the role as bad. If one is great in Math, the other may not want to advance in the same area. I have seen my younger child not do somethings that the older one does in the spotlight.

This left me wondering. How do parents manage this?
Can't both kids be good? I quess I don't really understand this concept completely.

Onthegomom,
I have always been troubled by this as well - first as the always desperate to prove I was just as good or better than older sib and then as aunt watching how 1 niece was the smart one and the other one as "born" for clothes, make up, shopping etc.

In my case and with my youngest niece I see the same signs - what i call the bottomless well of need for attention. Not sure if it comes from the parents, the kids personality or just a bad intersection of. the two. This is where any attention becomes attention worth striving for and if that is not nipped in the bud it's sets up the bad and the good one. In my case, I didn't not rebel academically because it wasn't allowed (tiger parents) but instead discounted my achievements and still do to some extent because they never felt separately validated. Niece on the other hand went the I'll fill another niche route, but the parents reinforce it. Older one gets fun enrichment, younger one only as tag along. Younger one senses the pride of parents for older sib accomplishments and becomes desperate for attention. I worry where this will lead her. From the outside it seemed like they started this pattern very early as the second kid was different from the first, the were less consistent about discipline and teachable moments and all the extras the did with the first. Did it have to be this way, no, but it would have required recognition of the problem or awareness of the potential to have prevented it.

Health reasons are why we have only 1, DH comes from a large family and always wanted more, I was always leery fearing that the second child syndrome was inevitable. I no longer think it is. I now think that parents not conscious avoid it because the second kid lacks the predisposition for the bottomless pit, but when their psyche leans that way, I think the parents have to be super disciplined and careful in their approach. Just my long 2c!

DeHe

Very interesting thread.

Dehe, you say it isn't inevitable (another nurture vs nature question I guess). So, what do you think could have been done differently in your case? I see this with my sister and I but frankly our childhood was pretty dysfunctional. I worry about this for my youngest although I had thought about more in terms of his low self esteem rather than being "bad". I try to have him participate in things of his own but that hasn't worked out so much yet. Would love other ideas.

Hi mama22Gs
I have a harder time saying what could have been fixed with my childhood than with my nieces. But I do know that I heard criticism from my parents where there wasn't for
my sib or I didn't hear it or my sib. I did do a lot with them so for me it wasn't about enrichment I guess I would have wanted to know was it possible to not feel second best, but I felt that way for a whole host of reasons, also very dysfunctional! With my nieces the second one was so different which at first I think they really enjoyed and so they fed it, and rewarded behaviors early on that they didn't with the first. She was praised for things the first wasn't, like being pretty and cute rather than smart and she could never do anything as quickly as the first. So i guess by not inevitable I think the awareness has to be there right off the bat. Bu I would not say then there is nothing to be done but what is the pattern? What does the youngest feel low self esteem about, not being as good as oldest, or not getting enough attention, or inwardly critical. From his point of view, whether crazy or not, what does he crave from you or the world. I constantly wanted validation and praise but I never trusted it, that has come later. But I still see it show up in my dealings as an adult and even as a parent. So what would have fixed that - with my niece I think she needs massive alone time with her parents individually which I don't think she will get, and I don't even know if that would help but from semi-outside looking in, she does a lot to get focus on her. As she gets older she is becoming smarter about the choices to get the attention from adults, meaning less overtly negative efforts. What I would be super interested in is where the situation exists but the gifted kid is not the oldest. Someone here has a a young PG who cold skip but that skip would land them in older siblings class, and so didn't skip and then I think there is someone who did do it. Those I think might have more insight because there you have situations which seem to be working - I see the problem but with only one dc no solutions to implement. And I have to admit I didn't choose to only have 1 dc but having that situation made it possible to avoid dealing with a problem I worried about greatly!

Sorry nothing useful!

DeHe