Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Why Chinese Mothers are Superior.....(WSJ article)

Ha! Nice little read -- especially the first few comments in response:

3 Comments � Sun Jan 09 2011 22:58:03 GMT-0800 (Pacific Standard Time)

I have a problem with the idea that "Nothing is fun until you're good at it." Whatever happened to enjoying a challenge? My son doesn't like math because it is easy for him - he likes it because we have taught him to embrace challenges in life rather than run from them. As a result, he's almost three full grades ahead in math. Meanwhile, he HAS been in school plays, does NOT know how to play an instrument (he has asked about playing the guitar - not the violin or piano - and I'll probably let him do that soon if he is still interested), plays baseball, and most of all, HAS FUN. That's what a little boy is supposed to do. Having grown up in a household that was not quite as strict as the one she described, but had some striking similarities, I firmly believe that the most important thing is for children to know they are loved even if they screw up. Yes, they should be pushed to do their best. But they should never be made to feel like a show dog who only receives love as long as they are bringing home the trophies.
There is some merit to this - kids don't need as much free play time as some parents seem to think they do. (It's been my experience that BOTH of my children are better behaved when they have organized activities on a regular basis). But it is important that they have SOME free time.

I guess the reason this article made such an impression is because it is the total and complete opposite of my approach thus far. When I found out that my daughter was PG, I did a lot of reading and what I discovered was that many of these children progress through grades rapidly, and go off to college early. I wanted my kid to have a normal childhood � this became my new goal. Since my preschooler was already reading at a 5th grade level � my husband and I became determined to keep her away from math. I know � perhaps it seems crazy� but I thought that I did not want her to be completely bored at school and it was too late for reading and language arts � I thought that if I kept all math related materials out of the house she might have some chance of learning something new at school. I started to actively keep her away from books and her beloved workbooks. It was around this time that I spoke to another parent of a PG kid who kindly tried not to laugh at me. She told me that the problem is that these kids seem to know things almost as soon as you show them � she may not know what borrowing and carrying is all about just now � but give her 15 minutes and she will. This other parent was quite wise, and her advice turned out to be quite true. Still, I don�t want my 7 year old doing calculus. How in the world would that be of any benefit to her? (unless, of course, she just could not live without the joy of calculus).
It would probably not even occur to me to tell her that any piece of artwork was less than beautiful. If she colors even a hair outside of the lines (and she is tired) there will be a trip to tantrum city. I try to get her to not be so tough on herself. So this whole push your child � berate them into doing well notion really is, in every way, the complete opposite of what I have been doing. Of course, we have not tried piano lessons yet.

I've decided to agree with the comments that this parenting style has a time and a place. In china where there's 3 people doing every one person's job so that the government can keep all those people gainfully employed maybe this makes an average child rise above the competition to get a better life. Maybe if you're family is first and second generation immigrants and you're trying to make sure your offspring can survive in a place you're not from. Maybe it's fine for a rich family who can afford to get her daughters everything to have some performance expectations in return. I'm not that worried about someone unwittingly using this on a disabled child, how cruel but unlikely or rare. I see lower middle class or higher poverty mothers from the James Dobson camp using this fantasy story to fuel their passion for "raising a child in the way they should go". Yep, I'm getting flashbacks. The point of the excercise is that you have the resources and the commitment to see that the child is rewarded with success on the other side of the exercise. Like one of the comments said no one wants the Jewish mother they want the Jewish father writing blank checks to pay for school.
So it won't work for my family because we're not any of the above extreme cases. I can't believe we see parents calling this abusive, a blogger said the little girl who played at carnage hall had Stockholm syndrome for cuddling with her mommy after piano practice. I think that's an emotional over-reaction. I saw the professor's supporters calling dissenters "wounded weaklings" who are almost neglectful in their hands off raising of their own children. Odd, most of the vocalest promoters of permissive parenting are stay-at-home moms, they have enough spare time on their hands to think up these things. I think it's fine that people publicly discuss these things. Maybe it will lead to tolerance and understanding. Doesn't mean you'll like what you learn about each other. You don't have to. If you can't gossip about each others faults then you don't love them enough to look closely and see their flaws. But good fences make good neighbors. That lady can't keep an ancient Chinese secret.

Ok personally I teach my boy academics because he's hyper and I have to keep him entertained and it's something we like doing. But I'm not pushy. I'm not patient. I quit easily. That will change in the second grade when he doesn't want to do his homework, right? But I think about it, if I nagged him to play the piano for all the time I spend telling him, get your toys out of the livingroom floor, quit touching stuff that's not yours, quit pestering people, your sister either. With that same effort he could have a talent to show for it. And there's no toys in the floor if the only toy's a piano.

I was touched by this article and have been thinking about my parenting skills since then. I want my children to be normal too...like trimom. I have a very unstructured parenting style. I had no structure at all until the 5th grade when I went to a strict private school. I can't imagine not giving my child bathroom or water breaks. But, I understand the drive to make your child learn the feeling of attaining a goal. I would imagine it becomes habit. I gave up learning entirely in the 6th grade because I was bored to death. My ds10 seems to get the seriousness of middle school and is applying himself much more now. Yet, all of mine seem to give up too easily because of gifted hypersensitivities, etc. Considering (unpatriotic as this might sound) that the Chinese are running circles around us, it makes sense that we push our children harder now. As a society, it seems we have "American privilege" thinking. We are falling behind as a result. All one has to do is look at our standings in science and math. U.S. News and World Report has a few rankings. So, more structure and discipline seems like a necessity in my home. Although, not to the degree exhibited in the WSJ article.

The boy's learning a lesson about homonyms on the computer (because I'm impatient and quit he just controls his own education with software). I'm getting a refresher. I'm ignoring him and telling him, "I don't know, it's you're game. How do I know how to play it.". All the while I'm googling synonym and homonym and subject predicate quietly in the background so I can be any use to him later. I think by now I'm learning more as a housewife about early childhood education than my sister who has a degree and runs a daycare.

FWIW piano lessons are less related to music talent and more related to abstract mathematical thinking. And Chinese mother's educational method is in line with Singapore math cirriculum's educational design. We here in the US spiral up the lessons. We learn in first grade, review, learn, review in second, review, learn, review in third... The Singapore math is exhaustive. You master it and move on. Like my boy is in there playing with grammer, he's not ready for synonyms and homonyms. Well, I guess he is. He's doing it. He just showed me where he changed a silver star level to a gold star (better score). I don't care if he masters any of those lessons. They'll come up again and again over time. I was raised on Abeka cirriculum. It spirals. Houghton mifflin spirals. I'm teaching him fractions and multiplication. Those are linear, definate, and rote memory. I'll trust the computer games with the grammar and let the spiral pick up the slack.
Singapore math is chinese mother, it's spoiled rich American.
Flexibility, people. Eat the meat and spit out the rest.
I've read the more better American private schools are picking up stuff like the Singapore math at the same time china's trying to be more like us. And we tend to use the Singapore books in a way they weren't intended by picking and choosing lessons. But they weren't made for American kid's anyway and the spiral will pick up the slack.

As the parent of a PG kid who entered college early I totally understand where you are coming from. Here's another idea to consider though: it is possible to be go to college early AND to have a normal childhood. In fact being with intellectual peers may feel far more "normal" than being with same age peers and totally mismatched with the educational environment.

Many PG kids don't go to college early but how well that works depends a lot on the individual child's personality and the educational options available. I would just encourage you to keep an open mind and realize that you really have little control over how your child will progress academically. Short of locking her in some kind of sensory deprivation closet, she may well progress much more rapidly than you want or expect. Don't push it, but don't fear it either. Being advanced academically is not a sentence to an unhappy life.



Yeah, it doesn't really work that way. Sorry. We were very loose and unstructured with academics and the child was through years of math with very little exposure in hours.

Also while you may not enjoy math, I would consider that for some math is beautiful. I can't imagine if your child showed a talent or deep passion for art that you'd advocate keeping her blindfolded so she doesn't see how pretty the world is. This really amounts to sort of the same thing.

Someone's comment made me think: free time, has anyone quantified how much is necessary? As I say this, DD finished her scales and has 5 minutes with her Barbies before school. It is like those comments about working mothers, not the amount of time you spend with your kid, just the quality of it.

Anyway, just thought of that. She does get free time and we have spontaneous playdates with kids across the hall. But I do have an expectation of the practice she has to get done and the homework before free time.

Ren

Yes, I agree. Horrible to think some people might read this book and do like-wise. I think there is a big difference between having an extremely high standard and rigid discipline and verbally or otherwise abusing a child. Justifying it with 'results' is ridiculous.