Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Piano lesson complaining - LONG

<If some mediocre level of worldly success is what you dream for your child, you may well be on the right track, as I wrote before. I would prefer my child to come as close to his full potential as possible, and of course I also want him to be happy.>

Again, I'm not sure what the reference to 'worldly success' is about (is 'eye of the tiger' related?). Making lots of money? Winning lots of awards? Not a priority here.

As I said to 'Passthepotatoes', I think our goals are similar: to help our kids use their potential, and to help them be happy. My son's perfectionism used to stand in the way of both; it no longer does.

Well outside forces do have greater power than we do. All we can control is our own choices. But in the end we must adjust. And all those things you list are very powerful.


Well, someone in the NY Times comment section came up questioning her assertation that high pressure parents produce happier children, stating that japan has that same philosophy and According th Who, has the world's largest suicide rate in this new failed economy. http://www.abs-cbnnews.com/global-filipino/world/07/08/10/japan-pm-targets-high-suicide-rate.
But her book isn't about failed unemployed middle aged Japanese men who didn't make it. It's about two beautiful American girls of Chinese decent who played at Carnagee hall already in their young lives. I really don't like it that she's teaching American Law when she so blatantly and publicly prefers the Chinese culture. That bothers me. But I'm not the one in locus of control.

Etaotoh: that's putting togeather two statitistics and assuming the numbers show cause and effect. False thinking. Maybe it's because their divorce rates are lower and more men there take care of their family, their kid's, and even their elders. Then the bad economy and the lack of jobs would affect them worse. And not just because their mommy raised them wrong.

On the subject of being the mean mommy, my boy's outgrowing pullups and overflowing them at night. I insisted on "no drinking anything after 6". Being I'm a weak woman I relented and now I have to go wash laundry at quarter to midnight. I believe in "involved parenting" pushing, guiding, directing sometimes and with the right conditions and motivation. Like "you will dress yourself because i have to get dressed, get your sister ready, and load the car," and for other such selfish reasons. Um, I kind of think he should have the locus of control of his body always, theoretically. I shop for groceries. He can raid the fridge at any time, except when I'm cooking. (That makes me mad.) So is there anything to do for someone who's not night-trained and overflows , mh hmm. Besides denying drinks at night?

"Depends" might have greater capacity than pull-ups, and making him do the laundry when he has an accident might make him see the light about not drinking late. Since he decided that he wanted to drink late, I think it is only fair that he get to own the natural result. YMMV.

Way back when, my oldest was a bed-wetter, we kept extra clean sheets and towels in her room and she learned to get up and handle it when it occurred, then wash the sheets the next day. We initially tried rewards etc but ultimately we learned that her muscles just weren't developed enough and being a deep sleeper it was beyond her control. She stopped once the muscles developed (I think 10ish?). My youngest potty trained herself in a day at 18 months and never ever wet the bed. Kids just develop differently.

Yes - and btw, denying drinks at night may not work, and could even backfire. (My DS suffered a UTI a few months back, and I wonder whether his (own) reluctance to drink at supper and later for this reason contributed.) I don't know what the equivalent is in the US, but in the UK, ERIC is a good source of both information and supplies. We bought a waterproof sleeping bag liner (it's plasticy on the outside, but cottony on the inside); DS sleeps inside that in his bed, and then if he does have an accident it's only that and his clothing that's wet. If yours has frequent accidents you might want to get two! We also got a bedwetting alarm for DS and it seems to be helping, although until the child's body is developed enough (AIUI one important thing is an anti-diuretic hormone that stops urine production at night, but not in young children, and whose levels ramp up at different ages in different children) that may just be frustrating. Mainstream advice seems to be to just wait, unless the child is over 7 or so. Bedwetting is a lot more common than people think - it's just not talked about!

A note to La Texican. The Japanese suicide rate may have something to do with the severe 10+ year recession over there. They had a serious bank problem (sound familiar) and Japan never reoovered to the boom 80s, competition from Korea, now Vietnam, China, Inda.

Japan is the size of CA and has 100 million people. You work hard, you get educated, and then suddenly the opportunities dry up. Not coming back. Doesn't mean you have some improvements in the economy but they won't be a leader for a long time. Something people do not expect to happen here. But I do. CNBC just interviewed a company that got lean after 2008. They are now back to 2008 revenue numbers with 10% less people and the CEO said that he would have to do muliples better before they hired back to 2008 levels. So the economy returns, the jobs don't.

Ren

Ren

Of course we have more power than our kids. We drive the car. We buy the food. We have a lifetime of experience and knowledge our kids don't have. At least at first we are much bigger than our kids and on it goes.

The fact that we have more power is precisely why we should have discretion about how to use it and precisely why we should be sensitive to the condition in which our motivation or will is acting as a substitute for the child developing internal resources.

One question to ponder - what do you think would have happened if you hadn't threatened and forced your son to put his face in the pool that day. Do you think he wouldn't have learned to do so for another week, for a month, for a year, never? Do you believe he would be "crippled" without you?

I can think of quite a few gifted kids I know who have taken their time with tasks. They may prefer to watch for a very long period of time and wait until the day they are ready to do the activity well with little stress. The parent who forces the child may conclude "aha, if not for me they would never do it" but of course we don't know that it is true. The child may well have done it the next day and felt even prouder of their accomplishment knowing they owned it entirely.

It was a million years ago here, but someone suggested to me that we put on the bed sheet, rubber mat, sheet. So, if the child had an accident he could remove the sheet and mat, change pants and go back to bed. It also helps some kids to get a late night wake up - 11 pm - walk to the bathroom and back to bed.