Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Shies away from a challenge. How much to push?

Hi,

We have always known that dd4.5 was pretty adept at shying away from a challenge - in fact it was noted by the psychologist who tested her as a potential issue long term.

While there are many examples of this, I'll mention the two that were the biggest issues yesterday because they're fresh in my mind. Dd is having a trial at school next week to see if she can hold her own with this year's kindergarteners and if so she'll start in first grade next year instead of kindergarten. She has to wear runners to school and she was keen to try laces. Within 2 attempted she had tying her laces down. Not quickly or neatly, but enough to be able to do it if she concentrates. She gave them a go for a week and then stopped wearing them. Now she doesn't want to wear them unless I will tie them because 'they're too hard to do up'.

As the second example, dd has just been reading Charlie and the Chocolate Factory at bed time. She is a reluctant reader by day, but was really enjoying sharing the bedtime reading with us - she would read a page then dh or I would. She was reading fluently and questions from us about what was happening indicated she understood what she was reading (I believe it's grade 4 or 5 level book). She has her own reading time after we read at bedtime, but she has admitted she doesn't read, only looks through books during that time and that she just uses that time to stay up later (she said that herself). I understand her not wanting to read something like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory on her own (though she could without an issue, but I can imagine it could be daunting looking at all those words in tiny print for pages and pages on your own, when you're little). So I have suggested some of the easier books she enjoys (Felicity Wishes, Rainbow Fairies, Fairy Realm), which she can read with out issue. But again she won't, because she says it's too hard (I have seen her read these easily).

My issue is how much to push with these kinds of things? These are just two of many examples, all of which I am sure are related to her perfectionism and wanting to make sure she can do something easily and/or perfectly before she'll do it at all.

In the past have always been reluctant to push with reading (and most things really), because she was so little and she didn't 'need' to be able to do them. Now I sometimes feel like I am forcing her (not with the reading, however I have refused to tie her shoe laces - I know she can do it and if I do it, history has suggests that I'll still be tying her shoes as she heads off to high school!). When dd was tested the psych said she found dd constantly trying to manipulate the situation to get help (regardless of whether she needed it or not) and this is something we see in day to day life on a regular basis.

Pushing back (for example with the shoe laces) can result in an hour long stand off where dd will flump around furiously while I just get on with my day. I don't give in to these (I can be stubborn like that), but I'm not sure if that's helpful or not either. I tend to be on my own on this one too, because while we've talked about it a lot, dh is inclined to do whatever dd asks (he doesn't do this deliberately - he just adores her and loves helping her). So I am constantly the bad guy. But I am prepared to be that to a certain extent if it means I can help her be confident and independent. I just don't want to go too far the other way.

At this stage we've had a lot of success in dealing with some aspects of her perfectionism buy talking about practice and giving examples of when she has gotten better and better at something through practice; we try to role model dealing constructively with mistakes and we talk about how mistakes can end up as a positive. She's done really well in some areas (she no longer flings her drawings or writing to the floor - she'll fix things or ignore them and so on). I would never leave her without help if she needed it - I always just ask that she give something a try and if she's given it a real go and can't do it, I'm more than happy to help. Because I am careful not to push anything unless I feel pretty confident she can do it, she invariably can do it on her own and she's so proud of herself when she does! But gee it takes a lot of effort to get her to do it.

She is only 4.5, but I can see this being a long term pattern if we don't address it. Any thoughts?

You may get a really different response from some of the parents of younger kids...but here's my reaction as the parent of a teenager. Four is very young. I've never met a parent of a teenager who wishes they'd spent more time engaged in standoffs over who would tie sneakers. And, I've spoken with many who look back and wish instead of struggling that they'd cheerfully snuggled up, said a silly rhyme and tied the shoes. Childhood is very short.

Developmental readiness is complex. It is very possible for a child to be capable of something mentally or physically but to not be ready for it emotionally. That's part of asynchrony. Any amount of pushing, even gentle, can cause kids to buckle down even further with trying new things. She may well be thinking now that she regrets every tying the shoes in the first place and may be hesitant to try the next thing if she's going to be expected to fully take over the job.

My suggestion would be to as much as you can try to allow her to have some privacy and space with her learning. For some kids who are perfectionists even the slightest hint that it matters a lot to their parent(s) feels like a HUGE amount of pressure. Obviously you aren't saying to her "you are being lazy by not reading during your independent time at night; you are a failure for not doing so; you are disappointing me." However, even just a generally nice suggestion or question about how she's spending her time may feel to her like you've said all those things.

My suggestion would be to at all times remain confident, cheerful and trust her learning process. There is nothing wrong with enjoying looking at pictures. There are adults (artists, art historians, etc.) who devote much of their attention to this kind of close observation. There are writers who are inspired to create their own stories by looking at pictures. It is a wonderful thing that she enjoys this close observation and that she's found a peaceful wind down activity before bed. If you think about it, most of us don't work on newly emerging challenging skills right before bed. I can't imagine taking on something I was just learning right before I went to sleep. My reaction to the comment about looking at pictures might be "You have so many books with great pictures. I think my favorites are the Jan Brett books, I love the way she draws animals, do you have any favorites?"

Ultimately your goal is that she's a motivated and independent learner. The best way to get to that goal is express confidence and comfort in the way she's approaching things. More space and less adult concern will give her the confidence she can try new things without fearing she will be expected to perform.

My kids are very self motivated. I talk about doing work that feels right to them and learning by mistakes.

Let them pour milk at the table and if they spill - no big deal. Let them fix their mistake and clean it up. There is lots of mileage in this. I frequently talk to them about enjoying the proud feeling from doing well.

I would suggest avoiding the power struggles. This one is still hard for me. My son would get my daughter to go anywhere when she was little with a marching parade song. Talking in a fun way can be motivational. Get some parenting books for inspiration on cooperation.

I hope this helps you. good luck.

My DS has been able to to dress himself since he was 2 but at 6 he often refuses to do it without help from me. Why? Because he enjoys the connection. He learns better if I sit with him while he works on some things, and better on his own on others. I do find it frustrating at times but we've reached a point where I don't really do things for him any more, I'm just present with him. We are able to strike deals where I'll 'help' (be) with him for a little while and then get on and do my own thing. This is pretty important considering we homeschool and I have a life of my own!

IMHO that depends hugely on temperament. Mine does best with huge amounts of coddling and praise, and a good incentive structure. Any amount of parental pushing results in misery all around. And I suspect mine is at least somewhat temperamentally like yours - when mine was 4.5, I finally asked her when she was going to stop calling for me to help her on the toilet, and she suggested "maybe when I'm 6." (I think it was not quite that long. But nearly.)

IMHO, a 4.5yo who can read chapter books (even Rainbow Fairies) when she chooses and can manage to tie her own shoes after two attempts when she chooses is not a kid who shies away from a challenge. She just chooses her own challenges, and has figured out how to get her needs met in other areas with maximal efficiency, by getting someone else to do them for her.

In our house, "it's too hard" nearly never means that. It usually means "I don't want to do it, nor do I want to argue with you over doing it."

I have a 9 and a 6 year old, but I agree with passthepotatoes response wholeheartedly! This mind set really led to us homeschooling because my kids are the reluctant, asynchronous type. I've decided presenting my kids with challenges is a marathon and not a race. I can see some positive changes in both my kids with each year. My 9 year old has suddenly become extremely self motivated in a number of things!

Don't worry - you have lots of time! Enjoy your little girl!

Here's my view for the younger set - it depends!!! DS 4.5 can be incredibly stubborn, particularly if he knows that we want him to do it, like with a milestone like wearing underwear. Everyone told us, oh he'll do it when he's ready. Well he could have done it well before the Mexican standoff at 3.5 but chose not to until we took the pull ups away, lots of people thought it was mean but he was perfectly capable of realizing that it was easier to pee and poop in his pants. We have had success with the when do you want to do it, in May I was asking him when he would take care of everything in the bathroom (wiping, sorry for all the bathroom examples) and he said for camp this summer. That was fine, when camp came and he asked me to do it, I reminded him, and he went and did it. I agree about the enjoying their childhood aspects that the OP with older kids mention that being said, my focus is when it is a power struggle rather than a developmental or emotional thing. DS likes to have control over when he gives up doing things. But if we would have allowed him to continue to say I won't write or I won't color or i can't do it we never would have gotten to the bottom of his fine motor issues which I have posted about elsewhere. As for reading, DS can read and comprehend at the 6th grade level and reads on his own but adores being read to, especially when it has new vocabulary so he can see and heat the words. We do the I'll read some, you read some and that works but sometimes he will say no. I also agree with the OP about timing, we do bath, books and bed, no free time. Instead he gets up in the morning and will often read by himself then. He's a morning guy though. With the shoes, i agree it really sounds like she is interested in mastering it and then doesn't want to do it anymore once she knows she can because it does take longer. Maybe instead of the standoff over who does it, maybe just give her two pairs of shoes laces or Velcro and tell her she chooses which to put on. With my DS and his fine motor I have to build in time for him to do his buttons and socks and sometimes I help and adjust but I have had to realize my doing it was allowing him to avoid doing something hard, it doesn't seem to be the case with yours. I guess what I would ask is what is your goal, did you want her in laces ups, or just to stick with it? With reading, why do you want her reading on her own at that time? If you want her just reading more, do the, leave a new book lying around trick, see what she does. Does she immediately ask you to read it, tell her you can't right now and see what she does. If she looks at the pixs but waits to read it then maybe she does need the reading together. But if she reads it on her own then you know it's something about the bedtime or the dynamic. My focus would be on teasing out is it about the tasks or manipulating you. When it's about the manipulation I focus on correcting it, when it's about learning to do something I take a much different approach as teacher/cheerleader.

DeHe

Hi all,

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful responses. They really got me thinking and I have realised there are a few elements to this.

The first is that reading your comments I suspect I have placed too much emphasis on the being independent aspect. On reflection there are a number of reasons for this, but one of them was that the ed psych singled this out as an issue she had noticed and she felt would have an impact on dd actually being able to make the most of her abilities. This really rang true for dh and I as we have seen her not try things since she was very tiny. We've managed to move past the not trying things (through the cheerleading/teacher/it not mattering if you fail approach) and now I guess I felt that in a number of instances if she can do something (unless there was a reason like being sick or tired or out of sorts in general) she should (within reason - I don't mean that I expect her to do everything she can just because she can, just that if it is more practical for her to do it than me, say if I'm in the middle of something else, and she can - then she should). However I really hadn't consider emotional asynchrony from the perspective of doing practical tasks and that makes a lot of sense.

On the other hand there is also real element of manipulation in this instance I feel. It is very, very hard to give dd space for learning (I love that as a description btw). She is a kid that needs company every moment of the day and that company has to be involved company. And I give it to her in the main - so I don't think it is a matter of not having a connection (more of needing never ending connection!) However it is not enough to sit with her while she is drawing or chat to her while she is playing. She is insistent that the involvement include direct participating with whatever she is doing and preferably me doing anything that is a challenge. If I am busy and/or I let her know that I need some time for myself she will often sit and wait until I am done - even if I have set her up and then removed myself. For a while she was playing really well on her own, but is now back to the sitting it out. With the bed time reading, she will happily read any level of book to us at bedtime after we have read if we will stay (and will extend this out and out and out if we let her). But she will just flick through books if we don't. She mostly she flicks through chapter books, but doesn't read them. If I felt that she was using the time to look at pictures I would absolutely agree that that is worth while, however I don't think it is anything other than wanting to staying up longer - which of course means seeing more of us as we come back to tuck her in (aside from this element of it, I have no issues with her preferring to be read to - and I love reading to her). However maybe I will lay off encouraging her to read during that time and see what happens.

With the shoes, she was desperate for laces and I felt it was too early. I said she could have laces, but on the condition she practiced lacing them so she would be proficient with them within the couple of weeks she had till starting school. At the time I wondered whether it was the right thing to do and in hindsight I should have just gone with the valcro because it really did out too much pressure on the whole thing and I felt I had to follow through with it! At the end of the day, she can do it so I'll just leave off and help her if she wants it

Passthepotatoes - thank you so much for the comment about feeling the smallest thing is a huge pressure. I have taken that on board and will be really careful about that. I think that is definitely a factor for dd.

Alexsmum - thanks for the comment on the fact that obviously she is up for a challenge. You're absolutely right - your comment has changed my thinking. It's the following on with it when it isn't as easy as she'd like it to be that is more of the problem. But perhaps that isn't as big an issue as I had made it in my head.

So I will take all your comments and think over this issue with a new approach. I suspect less of some of what we're doing and more of other bits might be the key.

Thanks again!

My DS6.5's answer was "when I'm 15"... thankfully I knew it wouldn't take that long, and it didn't.

When DS6.5 really struggles with something, and it's really upsetting him, I let him take a breather. Then, I step in to help, and we discuss a small portion of whatever task is in front of him. We do it together (depends on the task/work as to what I actually do or don't do). We figure out the answer or solution slowly, discussing each part. It gives him a certain confidence... then I say "see, I knew you could do it", and me praising him pushes him to do the rest.

He also has tried to quit baseball and a few other things, and it's our rule that he HAS to finish the season or session of whatever we've signed up for. I also point out examples of where grown people have "failed", but it's ok (like a professional player striking out). This has been HUGE for us (and I really wish my parents made me finish what I started).

My guess is that she's reading more of it than she's letting on or that she wants to talk about. My impression from my child and from what I've read other parents post on lists, is that this phase of what appears to be flipping through books is common and likely much more productive than parents think it is. Many kids like to do a lot of reading a page here or there rather than working through the book in an organized fashion.

It takes a leap of faith, but I think it is always good to start from the idea that kids are born with a drive to learn and often have some good ideas what will help them learn (even if they can't articulate those ideas). Again and again, we've seen when we keep out of learning and don't attempt to direct it learning progresses often better than if we'd been involved. Sometimes what appeared to me to be pointless time wasting turns out to have been the perfect thing to get the child to the next skill level. So, I think it is a great idea to try to dissociate from this time and give her the space to work it out in whatever way she will.

Hmmm. Are you writing about my DS6? He has had a history of having a hard time with independent play. In retrospect, we would have tried really really hard to have another kid right away after DS, so he'd have a built-in playmate! I highly recommend playdates, to give your DD a chance to play without parents.

As for the reading, we went through the same thing with our DS. We knew he could read at high levels, because occasionally he would correct us when reading Willy Wonka at age 4, and occasionally he would even read a page to us. But he wouldn't read on his own. He likes to be read to. He still does. We worried about this too, but after advice from this board (I'll see if I can dig up the thread), we decided that it really wasn't important at the time. We let it go, and read to him. Now, DS6 is in 2nd grade and he seems to actually enjoy picking his own books from the school library and reading them on his own. He seems to like to pick the books that are interesting and still challenging, but short (like the old Babar books). He also likes the short DK Star Wars books. (DK readers are great, by the way - they have tons of topics, many reading levels, and lots of great pictures.) I think it is hard for the little ones to read long pages of books. Their eyes aren't ready for it.

We still read to DS. We don't plan on stopping anytime soon. We've seen the most reading to himself during long car trips. I think sometimes that there are just too many other distractions at our house (possibly even his fun parents!) so he prefers to do other things than reading. Good luck!

Oh, and with the shoes.... DS6 still cannot tie his shoes. Our solution - Merrell's and those elastic lace tennis shoes with velcro. At some point, we're guessing he'll need to learn how to do it, and he'll find motivation. I'm thinking scouts.

I have had some similar issues with my five-year-old son, not so much avoiding a challenge but avoiding taking it on in front of others. Some of the strategies I tried:

* explaining to him that practice is often needed to achieve mastery, that needing practice is no shame, etc. etc. etc. (I know some of these messages seem to fall on deaf ears with a perfectionist child, but I still believe that they have an effect over time)
* letting him practice on his own, with the idea that he must periodically be open to doing it in front of us
* finding activities that inherently encourage or incorporate imperfection during intermediate stages, with the perfectionism allowed to take hold in the finished product (i.e. building mockups of a final model)
* encouraging him to do something with me at the same time, so that we collaborate-- or seem to

As an example of this last one, for a while he was stressing out about doing any reading in front of us, if there was any possibility of being corrected when making even a quite minor mistake. I decided to try reading with him. We picked out some Disney duck full-length comics and began reading them together, pronouncing each word at almost the same time (I actually, once we got going, started lagging a tiny fraction of a second behind). When he caught on to what I was doing, I would read at the same time, then start lagging ever so slightly again. He eventually simply kept quiet about it, though he knew what I was doing, and soon was able to read in front of me again, though he still likes reading out loud together.

I think that collaboration is powerful because it can lessen the perceived harm from a mistake, because faults can be shared, and it presents chances for a child to be corrected in passing without it being a big deal. So, for example, even if I'm lagging behind on a certain word, and he mispronounces it slightly, he can note my correct pronunciation and drive on without it being a big deal (although once the technique started working, he started re-saying mispronounced words without a hassle).

I completely agree about the effect over time. With DS I find that he resists and resists but that by repeating the same message every time he eventually internalizes it. To me its the same as when he was a baby, can I still not stick my finger in a light socket? He needs to continue to check in until he gets it, or is comfortable with the message, whether its about gender and color (a month on, no I (mom) want to wear blue not pink) or needing to practice to learn how to do something.

On the other hand, I find he is totally open to correction on stuff he is confident on - he has no issue with being corrected on pronunciation or definition - he is confident in his reading so its no threat to ego.

I so did not think this was what I would be dealing with at 4!!!

DeHe

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I had to laugh when I read your post about your daughter. YOu have just described my son exactly. Like your daughter, he will also sit for 30 minutes waiting for me to take a nap at the edge of my bed. He needs constant interaction and participation from me. I have tried everything to change his need for constant companionship but nothing has worked and I've just given up and accepted and just accepted it. It used to worry me when he was younger a lot too. He's only five now but this has been an issues since he was two. My son seems to be okay though with anybody from adult to kids. He doesn't care who he is interacting with as long as they are engaging with him so it doesn't have to be just me which I was relieved to figure out after he went to preschool and made friends.


The interesting thing is now wonder if he would be so into learning if it weren't for the amount of attention he gets from me when doing things challenging. Maybe he always wanted me to read to him for hours on end as a toddler because it was a way for him to ensure that I would be by his side. On the flip side of this though is perhaps he needs certain kind of play and learning that requires peer or adult interaction. For example, at the park he never just runs around and climbs on the play structures like other kids. He always has to have a play scenario with characters while he is at the playground running around. He can do these things with either a parent or peers but he does not and will not play by himself.

I used to think he was really manipulative too and it would drive me up the wall. I worried about him giving up in school and falling apart in Kindergarten.Now that he is in school 7 hours a day and is a functioning student in a gifted classroom, I worry less about his ability to do stuff for himself. So far the teacher hasn't complained and he does do things in class that are challenging for him. The problems seems to be just a at home thing, which is a relief. So I guess I'm trying to say that it may not be a problem for her later on in school.

Thanks all again.

I was really conscious writing both my initial post and the subsequent one that I was probably coming across more negatively than I intended - or felt about it all, but I couldn't quite find the language I needed to articulate the situation or my response/worries about it. Certainly when I talked about her being manipulative, I didn't really mean it in a "she's a manipulative little so and so" kind of way, nor do I think that she should always be using her time 'valuably' - what ever than really means. Just that she manipulates (in the literal sense) these situations and I have been unsure whether to address that and if so, how. Despite my inability to say what I meant with any kind of eloquence, the stories and advice you've all had has been great.

Your stories, particularly yours graceful mom, make me realise this is probably just how she is It hasn't really been an issue for us until now (well, the behaviours have been there, but we've just let them be) - but she has just recently had this huge brain spurt, which to be honest has thrown much of my parenting know how (such as it is!) out of whack. She is a very different kid to the one she was even 3 or 4 weeks ago and in many ways much, much more mature. But in equally many ways still 4.5

Graceful mom, I had to laugh at the playground thing. DD is the same (though perhaps it is not so surprising as your son does sound a lot like dd). I have found a trick that works with her (to get her doing something on her own at the playground), which is to get her to complete what she calls 'challenges'. I have to set a course for her over the play equipment (up the red climbing thing, along the ramp, through the tunnel, down the slide etc). She loves it and gives me a chance to sit in the sun for a few moments!

St Pauli Girl - I laughed when I read your comment about a play mate. I often think that too Though don't know how if we had another with the intensity of dd!

Thanks again all.

Hi Kvmum,
This strikes very close to home for me. My DS14 is, and has always been, an only child, although he has also been at daycare at least half a day from 7 weeks of age because of my work schedule and living far from family. I even got reports from daycare that at age 3, he'd sit quietly and wait for his turn at the lego table if he was unfortunate enough to not be one of the first 3 kids to drop their names in the lego center slot - for hours and hours. It was very had to persuade him to settle for a 2nd best center. I'm not sure that we ever did, perhaps we just taught DS to stop complaining about school being boring and he went under the radar.

Here's todays highly romanticized view of his early years. Goodness knows what I would say if you asked me tomorrow or next year.

Since I was a new mom, and didn't know any better, and since I already felt guilty about my working hours, and guilty about not providing siblings, or even neighbor children, I was ripe for going along with my son's strong desire to have me as a playmate. Plus I found him to be lots of fun. Plus he strongly approved of my 'off beat' sense of humor and fun, in a way that I hadn't experienced in a long long time.

Let's face it, in most heterogeneous settings I used to see a slight, subtle, pained look on most people's faces as they try figure out what I'm talking about or defend themselves against the new ideas that are streaming out of me. ((That's what I think it is, at least, because my sense of the pained look goes away to be replaced by eager encouragement in gifted settings.)) Good sensitive female that I am, I had learned to modify my output to try to decrease that rate of pained expression, and become rather sensitive to others over the years.

So now I've got this delightful child who totally wants my attention, and shows delight and appreciation in me as long as I'm doing what he wants. Plus he's tiny and perfect and so dependent on me. So yes, I tried my best to arrange my time to be a playmate for my DS when he was young, and he demanded a very high level of attention and interaction.

It didn't occur to me until later that this might not be what's best for him. So whenever I hear about parents who have succeeded in slowly training their children to play independently, I cheer! A few on this board have seemed to know exactly what I am talking about, and have reported success with this plan - slow but steady. It seems that the first step in this plan is to praise like crazy every and any slightest hint of independent action. Even to the point of "I saw you hesitate right before you called for me, because you were thinking about doing that by yourself - great independence!!!

I hope it helps just know know that this isn't an unusual approach for a highly gifted only child to take. As time has gone by, I can see that DS is a real extravert in the sense that he is energized by an audience. I'll bet you can guess that I'm that way too. Otherwise I'd never have the energy to post here as much as I do, and to feel as energized from the social interaction here as much as I do.

I have heard that by verbally describing what your child is doing AND adding what good thing this says about her character, that she will find this emotionally energizing in a positive way. The 'Transforming the Difficult Child Workbook'by Lisa Bravo and Howard Glasser is a good resource for more on this. I think that some gifted kids have a 'larger than normal' appetite for verbal praise and recognition. If your daughter is like this, then the more you take the initiative to fill her 'cup' then the less demanding she might become. Worth a try at least. Some families set a timer for 5 minutes and when the bell rings the parent goes and finds the child and verbally highlights what's going well. My son certainly seemed to thirst for that level of acknowledgement.

Love and More Love,
Grinity

Thanks for your thoughts Grinity. I can relate a lot to your story and it does help to hear this isn't unusual for a gifted only child

I went back to work when dd was 7 months old and by the time I left work to 15 months ago she was in child care 4 full days a week. When I was working I really did feel that it was important for me to spend time with her when we were home (and as you did, I loved it!), so I really made a conscious effort to do so. Of course when I left work and she started attended preschool for only a few hours a week, she didn't see any need for me to stop! I am very introverted, so while I spend a good majority of the day with her, I do need to take time out and I had done a lot of work slowly getting her to play on her own. It was going really well - until the brain spurt - though in hindsight when ever she has a brain spurt she ups the need for attention. I suspect she needs the interaction to re-map where she's at. Over the last couple of days though she has started to play less reluctantly on her own again.

She's not a kid who likes to be praised a lot (she gets visibly uncomfortable), but she is a kid who likes to be praised much as you have described; for specific instances where she has made a choice.

Will definitely check out the book.

Thanks again.

Those brain spurts will get you every time!! Love the re-map description but for me! Ii find it so disconcerting to suddenly realize that there is a new level of awareness or understanding, where DH and I are talking later, did you hear what he said! Even though I know now it's normal for him and he will likely keep doing it, it is still rather like being suddenly dropped somewhere else and needing to check the map!

And Grinity, as a fellow someone who is sometime too "something" too much, too intense, too whatever, I am glad you have made peace with others reactions - but even more glad you are not restrained here. This newbie has benefitted enormously from your posts!

DeHe

Thanks DeHe, for the kind words.
I will say that having a variety of settings in my life has been the balm for me.

KVmum,
I'm glad to see that you are sounding more grounded and seeing the bigger picture. This is hard to do when they go through their 'spurts' but sometimes just noticing and regaining my own emotional footing has helped my family rebalance.
LOL!!! Yup - DS didn't see the need until he turned 13, then he was so grateful that I had work outside the house, and told me to stop paying so much attention to him. But he said it more colorfully. So there's a point for 'enjoy it while you got it!'

Glad to hear that your DD is playing solo more today! Every day a new adventure. Good luck with the workbook, and feel free to PM me if you have any questions. My guess is that as an Introvert with a clingy kid, you may have to 'notice and connect to your good character' what you are doing well in the moment also - have fun!

Grinity

Our boy was "diagnosed" with this during his tests when he was 4.5 At this age you cannot logically tak to them about stepping up to challenges, they are just not mature enough to wrap their heads around a complex concept.

What we did was engage him in a musical instrument (piano) and as he progressed (rapidly it seems), I showed him how his practice with the piano every day was the reason he could play all these new and difficult pieces. i then told him his homework was the same way, that it was a practice session that would allow him to try more difficult work at school and then reinforced this with the reality that he was already several years ahead of his peers thus showing he can do it.

It took us about a year for that to sink in, so there is no silver bullet. Consistent positive re-enforcement along with associating homework as "practice" similar to the musical instrument (which I feel all gifted children should be strongly encouraged to do ) has made him now eager to accept a challenge.

He was just tested at 6.5 and the Dr. stated that the avoidance to challenge was no longer present in her examination.