Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy i would rather...

than profoundly gifted and shy kid...

yesterday i went to school with my daughter5 for star student of the week program. She is supposed to read a book as a part of fun excerscise for her being star student, but unfortunately she could not read a sentence. we were boasting all this time she read over 1000 books .so i felt like above.

That is significant flaw in IQ scores, they are as 'dumb' as anybody,

this is also make me wonder we unnecessarily skipped a grade (no problem academically at home ..... may be she is better off with her age kids and be bold rather than shy and stupid in the present class

yannam - the comment you made - on the surface - evokes an initial reaction of, "Oh, that's a terrible thing to say." But the truth is that I could totally identify.

I think someone who has never been a parent of a child with a high IQ cannot relate, because it is easy to focus on the performance part of the equation and overlook the challenges. Being genius, profoundly gifted, or gifted is not some label that gives our kids magical powers to be superhuman; it is simply a complex mix-mash of unique skills ... and weaknesses. And so sometimes we almost sound ungrateful when we comment on the difficulties of parenting a high IQ child.

But the truth is that this tremendously uncomfortable experience can be a launching pad for a new area of growth. Shyness is a core trait and has its benefits (she doesn't need to be in the spotlight, is willing to "hunker down" and get the job done without being distracted, is good in one-on-one settings, etc.), but that doesn't mean that you can't begin to help her take steps in smaller, safer environments where she is challenged to reach out to others, interact with peers, and push herself to communicate. Work with her teacher to perhaps have her share a favorite toy or activity in circle time, get her involved in a community group in some activity that she likes ... little things that help her push herself slowly to build courage for facing larger audiences.

I recently had to give a presentation to over 600 people - all strangers, and I am an extrovert who found the experience daunting at best, but mostly just terrifying. So I cannot imagine how frightening it could be for a wee one to look out at that crowd where she is one of the youngest and not be able to get a peep out.

Hang in there. I won't say it gets easier, but it does get better. We as parents eventually come to the place where we embrace the funkiness of having an extraordinary child and celebrate their accomplishments that others may never understand, even when it is something as small as watching our child do something completely out of their comfort zone.

In my opinion, whoever put your daughter on the spot in such a way simply shouldn't be teaching. Failing in such a circumstance could well have harmed her self-image in a way that will last and take much work to undo. Even if this had not possibly cemented in her mind the idea that she is too shy to perform in front of people, I think it was a terrible idea. My own son was singled out at preschool to the point of reading to the class, and I wasn't thrilled to learn about that either (and I gathered from him that he didn't want to do it, but went along because he was told to).

Oh, yannam, I hear you. D2 is PG, but also very shy. It makes me CRAZY sometimes. She is coming out of her shell some these days (age 15), but I still can't really imagine her in a job interview or similar situation (although - MIRACLE - she decided she liked debate last year, and has eagerly signed up again this year. So there is hope!).

But I don't think my D would be more bold with a different/ younger group of kids. She would still be shy. And bored...

I do not think it was terrible to put the child in that position. DD5 has already done several piano recitals, ballet recitals and gymnastics performances, plus parent day performance at swim camp.

It was so much easier for DD when 3 to jump into the deep end of the pool than for an older child. Getting children to learn when young to be on stage is good practice. I did not think about it but DH had a mother who put him in local music theatre when he was wee and he is great in front of an audience. He is a physician so you wouldn't think it would come up much but he has been a speaker at many conferences and also gives presentations now on hospital innovations.

On another note, I am slowly reading "the Element". One of my bathroom books.,. Anyway, he talks about different kinds of intelligence. There isn't any reason not to work on social intelligence and develop it just as any parent would develop reading and math skills.

Ren

Your argument would be compelling, Wren, except that kids are different, and now the OP's already-shy child has a memorable failure under her belt. She certainly doesn't seem to have been well-prepared for her disastrous outing. Having been a shy kid myself, I don't think that she will magically be better off next time by being humiliated the first time. Putting it in terms of your chosen book, I guess, putting a child in a situation she's not prepared for, resulting in failure, doesn't count as developing social intelligence.

Here's a link from the other "pushy parent" thread (and I am definitely not saying you yourself are pushy, but I think it contains good sense about not forcing kids to do things):
http://giftedkids.about.com/od/nurturinggiftsandtalents/i/nurture_push_2.htm

Wren, I don't think 'earlier exposure' to some kind of performance is the answer here. I don't think it would have made any difference for my D. Older D is a true extrovert, so we were continually surprised (and, like the OP, sometimes embarrassed) by younger D's shyness in various situations. I recall reading that it is possible that there are some genetic variations that increase the odds that someone will be shy -- that isn't going to be changed by making them perform in some way.

Here is a story about my shy D. In 1st grade her teacher was talking about Abraham Lincoln (coming up on President's Day), and D eagerly offered to recite the Gettysburg Address at the post-lunch "sharing" time for the whole school that they have every week. I don't know WHAT she was thinking, really. I mean, she did know the GB Address by heart, but if she had been considering this, she would have known that it also meant speaking in front of 200 people! So the day came, and I slipped into the lunchroom to watch her. She got up there -- and froze. Couldn't utter a word. The lower school principal came over to help her. They got a chair for her to stand on, and the principal put her arm around her. They started the first line into the microphone together, then D finished the rest by herself (to loud applause at the end, especially from the amazed teaching staff). So it ended up being a success, but it was also quite traumatizing for D. Until last year and debate (which has a very small crowd ), she has avoided public speaking as much as possible.

I don't disagree with Wren in that we should provide enough opportunities for our shy ones, but opportunities that are like big bear hugs: comfortable, loving environments.

DD is shy and standoffish. When we were put on a waiting list for preschool at age 2 I enrolled her in a dance class. She stood on the side forever watching the other girls but eventually she joined in and was one of the best in her class. This led to her performance held at a retirement home. I still laugh thinking about that performance. She was deer caught in headlights and didn't perform one bit of her performance, but when the spotlight wasn't on her and she was sitting in the back with her little friends she took over the entire show. She performed everyone else's performances and was jumping up to do the jumps and quickly sitting back down. Then last year she had a proper performance in an auditorium and she did her whole dance with no problems. With this kid we just have to baby step her but she does come out of her shell and surprise us.

yannam - please don't be so hard on your daughter. I bet your daughter is disappointed by her performance as well. She needs all the encouragement she can get.