Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy managing vs. denying OEs - advice?

Hi Bonus Mom -
I get it! You feel that helping to modifing his OE is 'bad' for him because he feels terrible about himself when he tries and fails. If you were setting the goals low enough, then he would be succeeding and feeling great about himself. Unless just plain being different and having attention on that difference is what is getting him down. That's harder to fix. Getting a teacher who likes him makes all the difference in the world there. I've BTDT!

As far as the deep breathing goes, I didn't get it either until recently (age 48) - I'm finding that counting my heartbeats to time my inhales and exhales makes it so much more fun and intersting. With my imaginational OE I can feel my pulse in every part of my body now too after a few weeks of practice.

1) find the pulse, either by holding the breath for 10 seconds, or by pressing thumb and index finger, or by holding the wrist.
2) see what the biggest number of pulses you can match the inhale to the exhale. This will shift throughout the day as the heartbeat changes. This will shift after about 10 cycles, and increase. It's sort of like beating a level in a video game - fun.

If you son can do this, then you have something that you can praise him for doing this instead of something that would bother someone else.

As for 11 hour school days, that is a long time for a kid, especially a kid who isn't particularly accomdidated during the school day. I always looked for someone special to do before/aftercare who would actually add to my son's life experience, but I never really looked hard enough, or found someone. So my 'do as I say, not as I did' advice is to take another look around for that special someone - retired school teacher, relative, nanny, chess teacher or coach who can drive him to swim, martial arts and really enjoy his company.

Chess is fun for developing 'impulse control' BTW.

But on the topic of those 11 hour days, I know that I felth super guilty when I couldn't bring my DS to places, or just let him have some down time at home. Did that guilt color my view of him and interphere with me being the best parent I could be? Absolutely. Was that useful? No. So, if possible, try to get over that guilt feeling. Remind yourself that the whole needs of the family have to be taken into consideration. I can also tell you that as a teen, DS became really proud of my work-life, often tells me that he's glad that I'm not home all day, trying to get all my intensity needs filled on him, like he sees at some of his friend's houses. So, like everything else, it's a mixed blessing - no right answers, only cyber hugs.
Love and More Love,
Grinity

We have a 2e Aspie like Dee Dee, but we HAVE found OT useful as an adjunt therapy. DS7 has his wiggle seat, wiggle foot pedals, and a squishy for his hand. It helps him from literally falling out of his seat, kicking his neighbor, and ripping his paper to little shreds during the listening part of class. We also use rewards extensively, but there is no reward that helps him stay quietly seated. The sensory tools really work for him. Nan

Thank you all so much for the input. I really appreciate all the thoughts & ideas!

DS14 made pretty good use of these sort of materials in 2nd grade, but squeezing the apple wasn't good enough, he had to gouge the apple with his pencil. The teacher was so upset that he 'destroyed school property.' I offered to make a donation to cover the costs, but was refused. I can see both sides on that question.

When he was a little older, he moved on to 'dissecting' pens. It cost some pocket change, but kept him in his seat.

Just wanted to chime in on the 11 hour school day. I am assuming your son goes to the extended day/after school program at his school? Have you looked into programs that offer after school care away from the school? For example, we have several martial arts studios that have a van that picks kids up from school, takes them back to the studio, and they do classes and homework until their parents pick them up around 6:00pm. It's a smaller group, and it's productive time with physical activity. Other places that have after school programs here (FL) are: rock-wall climbing center, dance studio, and gymnastics. These programs are usually comparable or only slightly more costly than the extended day program at the public/private schools. My friend was just telling me that for this school year she decided to do a gymnastics aftercare program (instead of the school program), and it's only $15 more per week. (I know an extra $60 a month isn't just pocket change, but may be worth it.) She's kicking herself for not doing it sooner b/c she she said her daughter is so much better after school now. Before, when her daughter was attending the after school program at school, she came home irritable, tired, and disrespectful. She is now very pleasant and feels great about herself for what she did at gymnastics. She's also forming good, positive relationships with her peers in a non-academic environment. It's just a thought; I don't know if you have programs like this available to you, but it might be worth checking out.

I can second what Jen said-- for a short while we sent our DS to the aftercare program at our school. Run by nice, well-meaning people, fine for many kids, not fine for ours. He became very anxious; there was no structure, he couldn't find his place in that environment, it was too unpredictable.

We ended up doing better to hire college students to pick him up and tutor him/play with him after school. More work for us to find and hire them, but it gives us great flexibility and less anxiety.

DeeDee