Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy To tell or not to tell....DS wants to know IQ

We were watching something today that stated someone's IQ and it started DS10 asking questions. First, he wanted to know if the IQ on the show was "a good one" . Then he started asking about his IQ. In trying to be evasive and answering questions with questions, I now know that he's figured out that he's been tested and when. Not that it was any big secret or anything, but at the time we just explained that the tests would help us determine how to make school better for him and didn't go into detail about them being IQ/achievement tests.

I'm hoping that my "I'm not sure off the top of my head, I'd have to look it up" reply will buy some time so maybe he'll forget about it, however, I suspect it'll come up again at some point.

So, I'm curious about how others have handled it when the DC want to know what the actual number is...

I still remember when my parents told me - they also told me my sisters. Not a good memory.

My parents always refused to tell me, and I think that was a good move. He might choose to use it for comparison against other kids, which simply cannot go well no matter what.

Hm. For me, learning my IQ was a very positive thing. I was a bit older than your son, but I really wished I'd known it sooner. If my parents had known it before me and kept it from me, I imagine I'd have been pretty angry about that.

What negative consequences do you expect as a result of having that conversation?

My parents told me -- I don't remember how -- but they must have been pretty low key about it (I'm making this up but I can imagine what my dad would have said: "You scored X. That means you're very smart. But what's important is that you be a good person, always do your best, and learn more than is required of you" -- so, de-emphasizing the meaning of the test, and emphasizing what he thought was important.)

It was a non-issue for me growing up; IQ scores just never came up in conversation... that is, until I was in college and my boy friend shared his IQ, which was in the gifted range, but, uh, not close to mine. I didn't say anything about it to him, but I found it both obnoxious and a little sad (not his score, but that he should brag about it so).

Perhaps I misunderstand what you mean here, but IQs are comparisons with other kids. For me, understanding that I had a higher IQ than most (if not all) of the other kids I knew meant understanding that they weren't lazy or stupid, that there wasn't something wrong with me OR them, and that it wasn't my imagination (or my fault) that my school situation was devastatingly lacking in challenge. I did have conversations with other kids who told me their IQs, but I never felt compelled to share my own (and I didn't do so at all as a child).

Wow, such varying experiences. Thanks for sharing.
Of course, this is a consideration. However, other children would have to know their own before comparisons could really be made and shoot, had it not been at the school's initiation we probably still wouldn't know . That being said, I do have a concern that kids will be kids and mine is no different in that it could come out amongst friends and I agree with you that it wouldn't go well.

You know, I also wonder if it could be a positive thing for DS to know. Sorta like if he knows what a gift he has, might he be more encouraged to use it - ie. putting forth more effort, acknowledging/discovering/realizing his true capabilities, etc. Of course, then there's always the pendulum swinging the other way... Part of me feels that it's something about and part of *him* so why wouldn't I tell him??


This is how I would picture the conversation going. I've used something I saw here (can't recall who said it, but Thanks!) with DS "It's nice to be smart, but it's smart to be nice!"

I'm really hoping he'll forget about wanting to know and then it's a non-issue.

This is a good question!

My DS knows that he is profoundly gifted because of all the educational issues we've encountered, but we have not let him see his actual scores. Of course, he just turned 6, but I don't foresee sharing them anytime in the foreseeable future.

My parents never told me. When my husband disclosed his one day and I called my mom, I was shocked. I was well aware that I was intelligent, but had no idea where I was in the gifted spectrum. (I just assumed gifted was gifted.) I completely understand why there was no need to share it with me as a child, though.

I guess my opinion is that IQ is nobody's business (like a woman's weight!), and except for assisting our children's educational needs, it usually only leads to judgment and division. Nearly everyone the child encounters will have a number higher or lower. The ones who are higher will assume your child is less smart than them, and the ones who are lower might be competitive/jealous/etc. I'm not sure the numbers have a good use in a child's hands.

After reading many testing posts here, I also see that the numbers can sometimes be off. Perhaps the child had a bad testing day or some other variable occurred, and the numbers are really higher. I also wouldn't want my preteen/teen googling the stereotypes about various gifted levels and worrying about some of the more troublesome aspects that are often listed, particularly at the higher levels.

It's such an interesting question, though. I haven't pondered it before, but there are great thoughts pro and con.

My parents told me. I actually dont remember when, but it was never made a big deal. Although I am glad I know. I think it helped me understand me better and why things in some social situations and in some aspects of schol were always such a struggle. Never like oh I am better then them, but more of in a ...okay, this explains it sort of way. I am pretty sure when DD is older and asks I will tell her, but there will always be more of an importance on working hard and doing your best try in what ever you do as there was at my house growing up. Good luck with your decision.

I agree with not telling. My mom told me both mine and my brother's when we were in highschool. I think she thought she would make me feel better because my number was pretty good. It really bothered me even though I always knew he was smarter than me. We had an 11 point difference but that put me in the moderately gifted and him in the highly gifted categories so performances were noticeably different.

Both our parents have passed on so I told my brother his number and he was surprised his was that high. Good-luck whatever you decide.