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Well some of you will recall my many posts about little'un - my son -here on these forums.

Our son was WISC assessed as having, in some areas, an age in excess of 17 yo despite being only 9yo. Dottie, on seeing his results, warned us that we would have great difficulty in finding a school that would be suitable for him.

we had a quite serious bullying issue, which has been ongoing, where our son has been excluded from games in the playground by another boy. It culminated this week in him being quite badly hurt. So we had a meeting with the headmaster and his form teacher and, as usual, it descended into a criticism of our son's behaviour. He always has his hand up in class, he tends to shout out inappropriately, and they say he has trouble mixing with the class (hardly surprising as the bully has him excluded from all the games).
They have now suggested us seeing a clinical Psychologist to see what underlying issues he may have so we can develop strategies for the future (while they supposedly address the bully). They say he is only showing 110 on IQ tests which is average for his class, yet talking to him this is a nonsense, but it doesn't show so that's that.

Anyhow, as usual, HELP!!!!! (Dottie can you hear me?!")

Raddy, bullies tend to seize on kids they perceive as different. If your DS is shouting out answers, and doing other things that annoy the other kids, he is not doing himself any favors. Teaching him how to curb those behaviors and seem more like the other kids will be a terrific favor to him, so the bully won't be as inclined to single him out. That's the part of the situation over which you have the most control.

DeeDee

Hi DeeDee

Thanks for that. it just seems that by doing that we are saying that our son is responsible for the bullying (like the battered wife who didn't quite get the dinner right/have the slippers waiting/spilt the coffee etc;)
Dunno?

Nope, you can't "blame the victim." I would take seriously that the school says they're on top of the bullying part of the situation (and still keep watching closely how it plays out in the future).

At the same time, you definitely can recognize and change what your own child is doing to set himself up to be bullied. I've seen this situation before in my own DS's class, and it's pretty obvious that the kid who acts the smarty pants role needs guidance in choosing a different role, for his own sake.

It's a matter of his learning to control through his actions how other people see him. He can learn to recognize that there are ways of talking and acting that annoy others, and other ways we can choose to help others feel good. It's not about being smart or not smart, it's about hurting others' feelings or not. This skill of adapting his behavior to the context will serve him well forever.

That's not the same as accepting blame-- bullying is never OK-- it's more about helping him have control over his own social role.

HTH,
DeeDee

Oh, Raddy, feeling so badly for you both...

I agree with master of none, completely--regardless of his behaviour (good, bad, whatever), he doesn't deserve to be bullied, and the school needs to step up to the plate and make sure it doesn't happen--that is THEIR responsibility.

I don't have any experience with psychologists, but I am wondering if you do go to see one if you couldn't turn it around a little, and work out with that person a strategy to make the school see the ways in which they are failing your son? I'm not putting this very clearly, but what I'm trying to get at is that it may well be the school which has the "underlying issues."

Hope something works out soon--is it almost holidays?

peace
minnie

minniemarx - hi again - my boy is very empathic. He is very well behaved. Teachers!!

The bully has even confided in him that he wants to commit suicide to be with his dad who died a couple of years ago. This is a lot for a 10 yo to handle.

It is almost holidays, and I just want my boy near to me - he is a little gem and v.loving. I am sure your little'un is too.

Sometimes it's just so hard that you want to pick everything up and go away - but, it's hard.

Well, he's always sounded a terrific boy to me--and he's a lucky guy to have such a caring father. I hope that these last few days of school can pass as quickly as possible, and you can get on to having a fun summer together--maybe you can already start planning something special to do--an art show or something he'd really like?

All the best to you and your boy, Raddy. I went back to re-read some of your earliest posts. It's been a journey.

I can't help much - we are also in the midst of a bullying case. My son is not the primary victim but he's been punched up because he helps the poor kid. What can I say, teachers can be very misguided. Teachers can even be the bully (this was the case for my son at the start of the year. I handled that by going to the principal after wringing my wrists for 2 mths).

Can you involve the the bully's parent via the school? Surely the mum will not want her son to turn out this way? It's easier said than done I know. Yes the wonderful holidays! Over the months, many things change for young children. Do take care and all the best.

Okay, some of this is reacting to my own experiences, not directly your post BUT -

The bully isn't picking on him because he calls out in class. They are picking on him because he is different. I quote: "One cannot blend into a crowd if the crowd is so different from oneself that it is not camouflage. It's like trying to hide an elephant in a flock of chickens by telling the elephant to squat down and cluck a lot." (http://www.grcne.com/divergent-thinker.html) Telling your son to not call out is like telling him to squat and cluck a lot. It really isn't going to hide him.

Sorry. If only it was that simple.

(That doesn't mean that telling children not to call out because it is rude isn't a good thing, or learning social skills isn't important, BTW.)

I can't give much advice, I got out of the situation by leaving the school, but that may not be possible or necessary in your case. But I would certainly not be happy with the school trying to turn it around. That is wrong. And I personally would be after specifics about HOW IN DETAIL, they are planing on "Addressing the bully" and how they are going to measure success. Also what plans do they have for what your child is supposed to do if the bullying continues? Are they going to address "By-stander behavior"? (some of the more effective methods of reducing bullying include that)

IF you get a psych with good skills and knowledge of gifted children, it could work in your favour. Otherwise, maybe not.

Thank-you all for your kind words.
blob - yes it has been quite a journey - still ongoing.
minniemarx - he is a terrific boy, very sensitive. One unusual(?) thing is that the bully confided in my boy that he wanted to commit suicide (he lost hs dad a few years back). He obviously, despite the bullying, noticed my son's empathic nature. the school has pussy footed around this boy and as a result deep, deep problems are left unattended.

Geomamma - wise words that can't be repeated often enough hopefully someone will one day take notice and give our babies a break

I am firmly of the belief that a bully 'does it to themselves as well as the victim' By belittling or harming another person you ultimately belittle and harm yourself. It is something I teach my boy.