Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Learning Environments Gifted ed when 1 spouse is not on board?

I am torn as to where to place my son next year. He just qualified for the gifted program in our public school system, but he will have to ride a shuttle bus to another school & back every day. Not a terrible thing, but a consideration.
The BIG problem is that my husband is not on board. Even though my oldest daughter has been in the program for 4 years (she was able to remain at her school at the time), he now says that he doesn't think they should be "segregated" from everyone else & that it looks like we think our kids are too good for the school now.
I have tried explaining my point of view to him in every way I can: gifted doesn't mean better, it means different so they need a different type of education; I had my daughter tell me how her life was different since being in gifted ed & talked to him abt that; I told abt my experiences both in & out of gifted classes when I was in school. I just ran into a brick wall.
I'm frustrated because my son would do fine in regular ed, but I want to see him flourish like my daughter has.
Any ideas?

Any chance your husband can observe the two types of classrooms?

is he willing to articulate and explain at more depth what is actually the problem for him? what is he really seeing? what is his fear about the situation?

lulu: We can do a "walk-thru" to see the gifted program; he already knows how things go at the school our son is currently attending as our kids have been there for 5 years. I probably should mention that his mom & sister both teach there (though his mom is seriously considering retiring after 45 years of teaching). We also have another daughter going into 6th grade at this school.
He may even be too stubborn to go observe, though.

jesse: I cannot get him to articulate any more than what I already wrote. I have my suspicions, but I hate to put words in his mouth...

Perhaps his family is voicing opinions on the program? Not sure where they stand on the gifted program from your post.

Here is an argument that might work for you, given his 'segregation' argument. I, personally agree with the argument and frustration of the way most schools organize their education programs. There is something to be said about the old school house method and teaching mixed age and abilities together. BUT we don't control their organization. If they offered mixed abilities that would teach to everyone's level not just the general range then I would be all for it. Right now the only choice you have that would allow your son some opportunity to learn (which is what we want for all children: a chance/right to learn) is the program that 'segregates'. And how about the Special Ed students from the other range? Are they segregated? IF they are you could use that in your argument. I know a lot of school districts in our area are attempting to not segregate the Special Ed groups but your district might still do it.

Here is the other question ... if he is anti-gifted for your son because of the reasons you provided; does this also mean your daughter will need to be pulled from the program? You might want to remind him of later issues with your children if you the parents made the choice to allow her into the program but not him. He might grow to resent you.

We have discussed my daughter's placement; she is going into 8th grade & is in a mixture of gifted & advanced classes. She says that the adv classes are fairly easy compared to gifted. She has benefited so much from the program. Pulling her out would be a disservice to her at his point. And I agree that my son might resent not having the same chance his sister did.
My husband & his family seem to be in the camp that "gifted" kids are not socialized properly. I tend to think they just tend to act different socially which makes some people uncomfortable. It's interesting, though, that she has dozens of friends both in & out of the program. I see no social problems in her at all. And I can't imagine my son, who talks to everyone, regressing socially. His big issue is being a super-perfectionist.
I also think the labels are a big deal to him. I don't necessarily like them myself, but there isn't anything I can do about that. If my son didn't have to leave the school he is in, I have a feeling my husband would be more receptive. I totally understand the Special Ed point; technically gifted ed is special ed in this county. I know that we have inclusion classes but I am not sure at what level.
I am going to have my daughter talk to him about her experience. And I am going to try to approach from the pov of sports--he is a volunteer coach for our high school football team. I still have to fine tune my analogy, though.
Thanks for the feedback. Any other thoughts are more than welcome.

I had my son's placement meeting yesterday & we agreed to see how things go for the 1st quarter in the gifted program. Hopefully my husband will be open-minded during that time & not just cut him off. I have to make sure I let things progress naturally & not push too hard just so he can stay, you know?

One issue that may occur is a concern about a child being a "geek" more than a "sports kid". I think a child can be intellectual and sporty.

I agree completely, but I also think it's okay to not be sporty. Sports are fun and healthy activities, but they don't really increase the chance that a person will attain great achievements as adult. It's a lifestyle and health choice.

I have a concern about a child being a sports kid more than an intellectual, if the child naturally tends toward being an intellectual. I don't actually discourage my son from watching sports, but I do inwardly hope that he doesn't grow up to be a sports nut (I'm talking mostly about watching and discussing sports here, not playing them). I just think it's a bit dull.

More ideas about getting together with DH:

Sometimes a parent will have more of a sense of 'I know what's right' for a child of the same gender. It seems like you are much more sure of yourself regarding your older DD, and your DH is more sure of himself regarding your son? That might or might not be ok, depending on your world view and family perspective, but if that is operating, it is good to get it into the open.


I would certianly ask around the family about the family history of both giftedness and learning disabilities. A polite, interested listener can dig up quite a bit. One way to get the conversations started is to ask if anyone was gradeskipped or stayed back, or in a special program. We live in a society that is very suspicious of individual variation and there is lots of pressure to 'be regular.' So anyone who sticks out their neck and says: 'The standard program is good for most people, but my child has different needs at this moment' is going to collect comment and negative attention.

I think that school teachers have their own particular slant on 'skepticism of gifted' - part of which maybe I can help explain:

Think about the shape of the bell curve - at the far right end, it is slopping down from 'a lot' to 'a few' at a pretty fast rate. So just by looking at the curve, you can see that if you draw a line at the top 5%, 3% or 1% there are going to be about twice as many kids who 'just missed' the cut off. So I can easily imagine a teacher seeing the 'whole thing' as 'just crazy' in a situation where there is only one program option for gifted kids and a single cut off. To a human eye, there are twice as many kids who nearly made the cut of as who just made the cut off - and - the kids who 'just made' the cut off make up 2/3s of the program to start with.

I'll bet I would roll my eyes if I had to live with a system like that. That's why I have so much respect for school systems that have lable the programs instead of the kids, and have multiple programs so that we can actually meet the needs of individual children.

There are be other reasons that teachers are socialized to be 'skeptical of gifted,' but just that look at the bell curve made me feel better.

Another thing that I dislike about 'gifted education' is when kids get told 'you kids over here in this room are our hope for the future!' This was very common during the big wave of Post-Sputnick era. It turns out that the field of Gifted has 2 very different tracks. One track studies people who have become eminent in their fields and looks back at their childhoods to see if anyone can figure out what made them succeed later, and if that can be generalized so that we have 'more eminent people.' The other track looks at kids who score high on IQ test during their school years - either are part of a group screening or because the child is acting out at school, and try to figure out how to met the social, emotional, and educational needs of those children at that exact moment in time. Not in hopes that they will cure cancer, but because meeting a child's needs is the decent thing to do.

My basic assumption is that when I use the word 'gifted' during a conversation that even if the other person is smiling and nodding, there is a pretty good chance that we aren't really communicating that well, because each of us has a very personal set of images when we think of the word gifted.

Going slow and leaving options open sounds like the best plan. It's interesting that your DH feels like the local school is a known quantity - I bet that if he actually spent 45 minutes in a classroom similar to what your son is in, it would make an impression on him different from what he thinks he 'knows' - particualy if he has direct experience with your son's 'gifted side.'

Love and More Love,
Grinity