Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums THINKING BIG About Gifted Education A warning from a gifted adult.

Hi there...I was labeled gifted as a child and so was my husband. I do know what you mean by the world not understanding how to deal with such things. Often times parent's expectations are too high for our children to emotionally handle them, particularly with gifted children.

I have suffered from depression for many years and have learned to cope though I still have setbacks. I also questioned having children however what I have come to realize, is acknowledgment of what went wrong for you as a kid is 1/2 the battle. Now it's just applying what you know which is the really difficult part.

I have a daughter whom I think is gifted and plan on having her tested. She is difficult at times to deal with and I constantly remind myself that I am not my mother for example. There is no perfect parent but I am glad that I have my 2 children even if I wound up starting late. Take the bad behaviors of your own parents, throw them out the window (as best you can) and create your own identity...even if you don't have kids...your past may shape who you are, but it doesn't have to define you.

Two thoughts to add to those already here:

I used to be very snobby about "smart" people who didn't just go where the smart people are (which, in my world view at the time, was of course academia). The term "gifted adult" drove me crazy, I thought it was a cop-out.

As I've gotten older I've realized how very very lucky I was. I grew up in an academic family who educated me, assumed I would go to college, knew how to help me choose the right one for me, and could pay for it. I went to a small liberal arts college that specializes in brilliant quirky misfits. I found a terrific thesis advisor who helped me get into a top-notch Ph.D. program, in spite of my rather unpolished social skills at the time. And I've had to learn that it's not like that for everyone.

Second point: I TOTALLY get it about the impatience with people who aren't swift. There was an episode of Friends where Joey is slowly cluing in to something obvious, and Chandler jumps up and down and says "Get there FASTER!" That's how I feel a lot of the time in my daily life, interacting with people. I want to jump up and down and scream "Get there faster!" What can I say? As you get older, you learn generosity, and kindness, and not taking oneself too seriously.

Wow this is fascinating! As I'm reading this my life flashes before me. Though I'm very aware of my own issues and why they exist...I've never actually seen it put in such accurate terms. I'll have to print this out and read the whole thing. Seeing as I have the attention span of a squirrel I was perusing through it reading parts that particularly pertained to my life now and then.

At any rate...I'm a firm believer in learning from mistakes...my own and the mistakes I feel other people have made in their lives that have also impacted me seeing as family and friends do impact our lives. We don't have to be a product of our environment if our environment has been negative. Gifted individuals may struggle with those who do not have that kind of intellectual prowess, hypocracy, cruelty, etc. What we also have to realize...is that high intellect is great and all...but you can't forget about wisdom which is learning from mistakes and realizing that hypocracy and other forms of social injustices exist everywhere in this world...we have to make sure we're not contributing to it.

I remember wondering why I was put on this earth at 10 yrs. old. Existential Depression...yes that's me, and so many others. We can't let the past or even our angst at the atrocities that occur in this world put us in the position of becoming apathetic or so cynical that we become exactly what it is we detest.

My father's IQ is genius level...how high, I'm not sure however he has a humanistic side to him that is caring and nurturing if not naieve. His brother however, whose IQ was so high that he detested the world around him...decided that it was in his best interest to drink himself to death. How intelligent is that? We can't allow our perceptions of other people around us turn us into hateful human beings...isn't that a lot of what we're depressed about? I'm sure you'll find morons everwhere you go regardless of intellect...but you'll also find loving and caring human beings...we can't forget how to be one not matter how high our IQ is.

My 12 year old twice exceptional son has never felt like he fit in anywhere except the mixed-age musical theater group he is in where he can have high school and college aged friends and nobody thinks anything is strange about it, unlike our age segregated public school. Even there, he couldn't find anyone with similar academic interests except for music and history. At least that is better than nothing.

There are no kids like him in the public school or in our homeschool group. We live in a small town where sports ability is valued over academic ability. He can't play sports because of the mild disability.

He has always been interested in neuroscience, especially in neuroplasticity, memory, learning and alternative methods of learning. I keep telling him he will fit in when he goes to college. There are others like him, just not here in our small town.

I have never been successful at finding another kid that was interested in the things he is interested in, but I tried again about a month ago. I took him to a church. The preacher listed a bunch of symptoms like migraines, anxiety, pain, all symptoms he has and the preacher said that these symptoms were due to having a lot of anger and the only thing that would cure these symptoms was forgiveness. My son joked afterwards that maybe we just needed to cancel the neurology appointment for the migraines and instead try to figure out who he was mad at. We didn't go back.

He hates it when people in our town who haven't met him assume that he is an ignorant kid, but when he proves otherwise they look at him like he is from another planet. Actually, they look at both of us like we are from another planet.

I am 23, somewhere between highly and exceptionally gifted depending on which test you believe and how accurate it was, and I somewhat understand where ACh is coming from. Most of the time, the majority of people around me do seem "slow" � I especially hate being faced with supposed authority figures who I feel aren't as bright as I am. I have a particular issue with repetition, which becomes a problem in more situations than you might think. I do have to be patient a lot of the time, even in everyday conversations (people complain that I talk too fast and use words they don't know), and I do feel that no matter how reasonable I find individuals, society at large often seems to have the IQ of a developmentally-stunted amoeba. But no matter how badly the world is set up for gifted people, I could never bring myself to be as bitter as ACh sounds here. I love my life and, notwithstanding a few rocky patches that had more to do with my spirit than my mind, have felt that way for many years. I feel I can work and socialize with "normal" people as long as I am confident and open about my giftedness and surround myself with people who appreciate it rather than fear or resent it (sometimes easier said than done, I grant you). I plan to have children � in fact, were I financially secure rather than a starving grad student, I would start searching for children in need of adoption and/or a surrogate tomorrow (I want children but have no desire to marry). And I very much hope my child is gifted, because I think the pros outweigh the cons by about a million to one, and because all the gifted children who have entered my life in my years as a teacher have brought such incredible light with them.

EDIT: MegMeg, just saw the comment about "GET THERE FASTER!" I love it!

Dear ACh,

I do understand where you are coming from. If you have found your niche - stay there. I have "fit in" (sort of) few times in my life. I have suffered depression all my life. However, the intensity comes and goes. I have learned the beautiful art of "walking away" from conversations.

My father was exceptional, but the rest of my family is not. He died when I was fifteen and the rest of my family constantly put me down as being "weird". Their goal for me has always been to "fit in".

I have a gifted daughter and I love her more than I have loved anyone. We butt heads, but she has brought something great to my life. Yes, when I see her struggle socially, I go off and have a cry. She does love being at home with us and has a few other kids that are brighter. Choir and band are her "happy places".

At your age, I felt like you do. I have been through happier times though. But, I always felt like I did not completely fit. Who you work for - and with - is really important. I am in a decent place now. Working for idiots is impossible for me.

Learning to get along with other people is difficult, but necessary. I think of it as a way to acquire data rather than "giving in". I always have a running idea of a sitcom and collect characters for it. Dickens did this and put them to great use - as well as Seinfeld and now Dimitri Martin.

Even on this forum, I always have a different opinion than most and many just ignore me.

I don't have any great words of wisdom except to stay with your interests. You may change your mind about kids - I had mine at 37. This is not an interest, but a deeper emotion that you can really only understand when it is a reality. I am no longer completely alone in life.

You have plenty of wisdom to offer; I agree with what you said. "Getting along" is necessary but you don't always have to agree and you can walk away. It's hard to fit in but there are people out there, as we have seen on this forum that can relate at least on some level.

I had my kids at 36 and 40. I see my daughter struggling socially and I have cried as well. I don't know what my lvl. of giftedness is frankly because I always thought of myself as abnormal and wierd; too sensitive, etc. I haven't been on this forum long...but it has made me realize now that wow...I'm not nuts...this is actually "normal" for gifted children and though my mother told me I was labeled gifted...I really didn't attach a whole lot of meaning to it until reading up on it due to my thoughts of my daughter being gifted. I wish I knew more about this before...it might have made a difference for me.

Best wishes to everyone here who struggle. I still struggle with depression and although I have little tolerance at times, I remind myself that not everyone thinks or perceives like me and that's what makes the world go around...it doesn't make them bad or wrong and nor does it make me bad or wrong that I don't think like everyone else if this makes sense.

I don't want to be judged (even though I have) so I really try hard not to judge others.

It's been my experience that MENSA members are like pretty much any other group-- some are nice, some are complete a**hats, and most are somewhere in between. (Disclaimer: I'm not a MENSA member, because I don't like crowds, even crowds of smart people.)

It's also been my experience that being smarter than the average bear doesn't make you any more successful, more prone to happiness, harder working, taller, blonder, or pretty much anything else (although it does seem to offer a lot more creativity when you choose ways in which to shoot yourself in the foot).

Pretty much it appears to me that the old aphorism about autistic kids translates well to those who are gifted: "if you've seen one....you've seen one."

To ACh

You may change your mind about a lot of things. For anyone, this is a tough and very questioning age. For gifties, this is worse (my belief). Don't close your mind to all. You may realize that MENSA or another group is the closest thing you have to what you desire - or not. I have truly connected to only a few people in my life. But, there are countless other that I have enjoyed conversations.

One way that I work on my empathy for others is to imagine myself in art class. Talk about feeling like a moron - I just did not get it and my projects were terrible. However, I love Art History. I often felt this way in PE, unless we were playing ping-pong.

One other thought, what they say about judging a book by it's cover is very true! I just had the best conversation with a lady at the dance studio my kids go to, she is always dressed to the 9's, in fact way overboard, in a provocative way I could never imagine sporting myself.
I knew her husband was army, and she has 2 kids; she talks pretty rough, but is just hilarious most of the time. Turns out her husband is a scientist for the army, her kids love watching the science channel (7 and 9) in particular they have all been enjoying a Stephen Hawking series of late. Our chat was on various sci-fi books, which I was delighted to find out she loves reading. At any rate, maybe she is not pg ( neither am I), but a much better conversation than I've had with many of the more 'intellectual looking' folks who hang around outside the dance classroom...
Delightful surprise.