Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Any suggestions on how to salvage the rest of year

Thank you everyone for your always insightful input and thoughts. I just can't imagine what I'd do without this forum!

DS and I are hanging in there for now. My DH and I decided that we had to follow through on no Wii for the weekend, just so we don't sabotage future efforts. But after thinking about many of your replies, we decided that for each day DS stays on "green", he'll earn EXTRA Wii time. But we won't take away the Wii for moving to yellow or red. We're going to leave the consequences to the school.

And Grinity, I like your idea of taking a few days off, as needed. I think a day spent at the science museum or state capitol might help.

I love the ideas of having the child think of ways that they can remove themselves from potentially explosive situations. I'm going to work with DS to have him brainstorm ideas to present to the teacher. We'll see what her response is...

Zhain, your comment about children knowing how we really feel about others (e.g. DS's teacher) gave me great pause. I have been so very careful to always talk positively about her with DS. I'm hoping that I fooled him, as you suggested, Grinity! I actually think that she is a really good teacher, just not for gifted students. She is incredibly organized, has very good classroom management skills, and keeps a fun atmosphere of learning in the classroom. She just has one huge hole of knowledge around what to do with gifted kids. She is a young teacher, still working on her Master Degree. I'm guessing/hoping that a few years down the line she'll look back and realize the opportunities missed with my DS...

I'm meeting with DS's teacher, the principal, the school district's Talented and Gifted (TAG) coordinator, and the school TAG coordinator on Thursday to plan for next year. So I'm thinking that after that meeting I'm going to get a better idea of where we might end up next year.

And finally, EastnWest, thank you so much for asking how I'm doing! I feel like I'm on a great roller coaster of hope, frustration, anxiety, calm, etc. One night last week, my DS and I both ended up in tears talking about school. He was sharing his frustrations, and I shared how sad I felt that I had not been able to figure out some ways to help him in school. But we talked about how hard I am working to make next year a better fit for him. I am typically a very non-emotional person, so I find it interesting how emotional I get about DS's school experience. I just am so worried about damaging him for life. I realize that is quite melodramatic, but that truly is my deepest fear. Oh, yes, that must be my biggest fear. The tears are flowing again!

Sorry for the long post! Thank you again though for all of your thoughtful feedback. You all truly are the best!

NTmom - so glad you are hanging in.
Since you can honestly say that you respect this teacher, I would encourage you to keep the consequence in place for the future. I'll pitch one more time not to shift it to 'extra Wii,' speaking from the vantage point of a mom of a 13 year old boy. I think it sends a message that you think he is fragile, and as you say

I really love the simplicity of 'Green' equals yes and 'Red' equals no. It is ok for your son to be upset that his behavior in school for a day was unacceptable, and that he gets a consequence. Remember that withholding Wii isn't witholding love or nutrition or emotional safety. There are lots of other ways to have fun.

Another cool parenting trick is to ask the child what he thinks is a reasonable consequence for going to yellow or red in school. Maybe he prefers to do something positive to contribute to his world in some way? It makes for some interesting discussion. I guess part of the equation is how much you have limited Wii in the past. If you have been very frugal with that privilege, then I wouldn't give it up so quickly, but if he's had rather free access, then that leans in the direction of 'earning extra.' Ask yourself what Wii use means in your family. Has it been treated so far like a right or a privilege?

I do believe that an unaccommodated child, left in a poor fit situation for 'too long' can be damaged, but, you point out that the had a really good 1/3 of a year. For 'beyond usually gifted children' we count a good half year as a job well done, so a third of a year is nothing to sneeze at. Keep working with the school to get him some relief during the day, but I think it is really good for all the grown ups to be on the same side. Even our precociously abstract children tend to be a bit more black and white in their thinking than adults.

In the end discipline is a highly individual matter - I'm so glad for the diversity that exists. Whatever you do that feels right to you and your DH is the best thing. Keep up those long posts - we love to hear how you are doing!

Love and more love,
Grinity

It's all trial and error. No parent can make the best choices and often times there isn't a right choice. You have to find what works for you and what helps the behaviors improve. Sounds like you are doing a great job at this and working together with him and DH! Great job!

We have tried all sorts of stuff with DS5 who is in 1st this year too. Overall his behavior has improved significantly, but he still has some rough days. His school has a 6 color behavior system (green, yellow, orange, blue, pink, white). It's serious business in elementary school, LOL. We don't give any consequences on green, yellow or orange days. On the other 3 colors he will lose computer and TV. He has only had a couple white days but those have included loss of other privileges for the day as well as a little time in his room (reading, playing piano, or whatever). We did leave it all at school for a while and let them handle it...but it just wasn't as successful. Really he does pretty well at home, but at school he just likes to clown around and get attention at times...especially when he gets reactions from others or gets bored. Honestly I don't think it is the worst thing ever to lose computer or tv since he has so many other things to do anyhow. Plus he rarely watches tv during the school week anyhow with school and sports, etc. But he does love his computer time, so it does impact him and it helps him to know that we don't support those behaviors at school. We don't harp on him about everything, but do discuss his behavior when it is on the last 3 colors. Honestly we just leave it alone if he only moved one or 2 colors since the first color is considered a warning in their class anyhow. So that somewhat works for us....we may try something else from time to time. We have tried behavior charts, etc. but this is the best thing so far. And of course we talk about his behavior together and how things are going at school and how he feels about school. DS actually likes school a lot, but I am sure it gets tiring at times. Good luck to you! Keep us updated on how things are going. My DS has been counting down the days and it will all be over soon ; )



LOL, whenever we do this with DS he will give the worst possible consequence ever, that would not at all fit the crime. Like for example after saying something direspectful and being oppositional towards us or something we would tell him that we were really disappointed and ask him what we think his punishment should be for something like that. His answer would be "I think that you should take away my computer and TV for 2 weeks" We are always so shocked and then have to say "well I think that is a little much, how about _____________" It's funny because sometimes I think he plans it like that. He never gives an easy consequence.