Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Age or Ability Specific Forums Pre-school play groups and moms

Hi, wondering how everyone handles playgroups and moms. I want to be able to brag about my child. when I mentioned that she knew the ABC's the topic immediately turned to "pushing" the kids to hard. When I brought up another story it was downplayed. I have an older gifted daughter who I feel I did not advoate strong enough for and found myself being "quiet" and I am not sure that was the best way for her or for us in the long run. So would love to hear ideas.

I agree with gratified3, I have tried with parents of kids who are advanced, but it doesn't work and just causes problems or bad feelings. Now I just keep my mouth shut, I will get comments about the girls "smarts" but I just keep my answer simple and complement their kids and it makes life a little easier. Have play groups be just that, play

Ditto. Play is play. I don't tell other moms what my kid can or cannot do. They often share and I often tell them how great that is. I want them to feel good.

To get support/understanding, here is a good place.

Did you try ever? I am trying to figure out if it is me and the way I do it or if it is the "topic". I already feel so sensitive to the issue of pushing because it seems so wierd to be reading words on the fridge or discussing letters. I want her to really want to do the things she is doing and not just doing it because it makes mommy happy.... She is very contrary so I am not sure that could be an issue anyways. The other side of this is that it is exciting to see the accomplishments...mind you that is true at any age....but then I think ohh this excitement is bad for her to see...does this make any sense?

Same here. We do not talk about Mr W with most people.

But Mr W really stands out compared to his age peers and this puts off most parents of his age peers after an hour with their kids next to him.

So...it is just easier that:

Mr W prefers kids 1-3 years older than he and that is what we mostly let him play with. After a few minutes, the other parents accept what he does as that is what their kids are doing. The older kids are a bit put off for a few minutes, but accept him as a kid and not a toddler. He is not physically ready for some things like rough housing, but he tries real hard otherwise. The fact that he is still small and not as coordinated as the older kids is not as overwhelming psychologically to the parents.

I think it depends on what you're hoping to get out of the playgroup. If you are purely thinking of it as a place for occasional socialization for your child, then it may not matter if you share information with other moms.

Personally, as a stay at home mom, I needed the playgroups for me. I wanted the conversation and companionship of the other mothers. And, in my opinion, there's no way adult friendships can form if you feel you can't discuss your own child.

I feel lucky that I had a great experience with playgroups. I had one baby playgroup when my dd was born and then I moved and formed another playgroup with toddlers. That one still exists, nearly 4 years later. All of the mothers in it are different, but we have grown to be good friends. I would say that at least 2 other children in the group would be considered MG, but nothing like my dd (now 5). However, over the years, we have discussed the ups and downs of all of our children (physical, emotional, developmental, etc) and parenting choices we have made and continue to make. The other mothers know all about my dd and the challenges that giftedness can bring - and have been nothing but accepting of her.

My concern with the advice given by other posters is that the gifts these kids have can't really be hidden. In my opinion, either you bring it up or just wait, because it usually won't take long for the child to do something obviously gifted (like when my dd, just turned 3, read "Baby Me" off of another mother's pregnant belly - it was written in cursive). And then just know how you want to handle it when it does come up.

Me 4. I definitely don't want the focus to be on academic abilities. Everyone's different, and some of the kids are just so sweet and wonderful. I hope my kid can learn from them and I want everyone to feel good so that they keep on coming.

You know what? I've sort of forced myself to be more open about these things. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I go around bragging to anyone or everyone but it's sort of like my feelings on nursing in public. If you do it in a natural, very matter of fact way, it can get more people used to the idea in a positive manner. I also try and answer questions (even if others might consider those questions offensive) openly and give the questioner the benefit of the doubt.

So, if we're in a playgroup and it's relative to the conversation, I might mention something DD has done. I wouldn't purposely bring anything up but I also wouldn't hide something either. I don't want DD to be ashamed of what she can do and I think if you are always trying to hide a child's abilities they will pick up on that. Also, if someone is going to judge her for what she can do that's probably not someone I want being her friend in the first place. I've gotten some strange looks at times but these parents still talk to me so I guess I didn't screw up things to badly!! Also, I've even had some moms approach me about giftedness and we've had some nice conversations about that so that has also been a plus.

That being said, I've always happened to be in playgroups where the other moms tend to be smarter (not necessarily gifted but above average, I'd guess). It's just where I've felt more comfortable and we have better conversation. I'm not saying they are all gifted but I've purposefully sought out non-competitive playgroups that match my parenting style. I've tried a few others and never found myself returning because either the parents were too competitive or their parenting styles conflicted so much with mine that I knew they wouldn't be able to relate to our lives at all (I do have friends with different parenting styles but they are ones that are understanding about it and open for discussions, these other moms were NOT).

ITA. It just doesn't work out to talk about the things are kids are doing most of the time. I do have some close friends that totally get my DS5 and so I can talk some with them and they don't at all get offended or uncomfortable. But about struggles of having a PG child, that I would not talk about on a playdate unless it was a playdate with other parents of HG or PG kids.

Keep in mind I don't usually do playdates with people unless I know them, so usually they know about DS5...and if they don't they figure it out pretty quickly. He is extroverted and it can not be hidden, LOL. So sometimes things have to come up. For example when you have a playdate with a 3yo and they are reading everything and pulling out games like junior monopoly to play....usually people can't ignore that and ask questions. I don't dismiss things and avoid the topic, but I am short and sweet. Before sharing things I decide whether there is any benefit to saying it. Am I just wanting to talk about what he is doing? How will it make them feel? Is there someone else that would be better to talk about this with? I do think on a playdates you do occasionally talk about your kids. I just think before I say things and try to find some more common things to talk about (like T-ball, hiking, funny things he says, physical milestones like not having any teeth out yet, things we have done together as a family, or his little sister who is quite funny, etc.) Or you could actually talk about yourself and life, LOL. Sometimes as a mom you forget what interests and things you liked before becoming a mom. Anyhow, I am never fake at all..but just choose what to say and not to say based on the audience.

It is a struggle. Honestly, my kids "out" themselves most of the time and people comment on something they said or did which usually seems like no big deal to me. I can't hide the way my DD4 communicates, her vocabulary, etc. She may pick something up and read it or showcase her memory etc. People actually seem to notice how smart my 26 month old is and I guess I just take what she does for granted since this is all I know.

I usually don't say much, but every once in awhile things slip and it hasn't ruined any friendships that I know of so far. I think it depends on the moms. For the most part, I just let the kids hang out and play and if they do something the causes people to comment, I just roll with it.