Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Praising the type of effort

Wren,
I hear you and Val! DS is now 11 and we are finally seeing that he has glimmers of understanding the value of effort and output. From very young until just recently, he bounced around alot of activities trying to find one or two that challenged him, enthused him and motivated him to as I put it learn how to learn. He has done karate, oboe, tennis, piano, soccer, drums, art classes and probably some others that I have forgotten. Currently he is taking acting classes and ice skating. These are activities that truly seem to click with him on a level we haven't seen before but it took alot of trial and error to find them.
The really great thing is even activities he really doesn't like such as homework are getting easier now that he has a perspective to understand the relationship between effort and output.
It was really hard to take several deep breaths and steps back when his coaches and family could see that he had so much potential in so many of these activities but he just wouldn't put in the effort to realize the potential. None of the time was wasted since he did get a very broad base of knowledge and the balance he learned with karate is a great help in the ice skating. I will admit to many (not as calm as I would have liked) discussions about not working up to his potential, slacking off, and being willing to settle for less than his best. I also have to admit that I don't think a single one of them made a bit of positive difference. It really did take some maturity and the right activities for DS to get the idea across.

It sounds like your daughter is an amazing child with amazing opportunities in front of her. But, she may still be very young to understand the future value of the effort she puts in today.

Elh0706: beautifully said. Thanks.

Val

elh706, tks so much for giving me hope. I try to overtly provide the connection for my DS7, but that hasn't happened yet. Was just talking to DH - I shall ban the words "easy" and "smart" from my vocabulary . I say to him, "It seems easy for you because of all the hard work you put in, not because you're smart", and all he hears is "It's easy for you ... because you're smart"!! *faint*

To the OP, I see what you're saying. You're trying to inculcate good habits and high goals at a young age. I'm taking a page from elh706 to say, give it time. There was a time when, especially after I learnt how gifted he was (it's embarrassing to say it now, but it's true) that I became so frustrated with my son for not doing more. This is ironic because he is far ahead in so many areas, but all I could think of was that little bit more. I've come to realize that sitting back, observing, and experiencing the process of growing together is so much more fulfilling than fitting him into some model of a "gifted child". Potentially too, it will provide him with a better sense of himself than if I were to keep shaping him.

Your daughter does sound very wonderful and you must be so proud of her. All the best to both of you.

Wren

I am from china, I can tell, your thought very much like chinese.

When I was young, I did not have much fun in my childhood, all I have done was studing hard to get in good UNI. Stay awake till 1 or 2 am is pretty normal in high school.

Nowdays, the situation of children in China even worse
I don't want my son repeat my life, but also, I would like him to know, he has to work hard to achieve things...

So, there is balance there...

I re-read my post and realised that I didn't really answer the question! :P

For my kids, I know that they know if they have put in their best effort. Sometimes results don't show because of 3rd party influence. (eg. having a very strict, or demanding teacher/ examiner), or the environment. If I praise them for something which is done just for the sake of completion, they know I am not being truthful.
So in our family, we celebrate the effort of accomplishment, regardless of the results. This based on my assumption that everyone wants to do well in something that they are good at. For things that they are not good at, the effort of just trying is good enough for me.

Agree!

Well, it is an interesting discussion. We had a discussion here at dinner.

I asked her, since her recital is in one week. Does she want to do it really well or sloppy? She said she did not want to be sloppy. I told her that she needed to work on the problem areas, but the pieces sounded really good.

Baby steps. And yes, Val, I treat the piano thing as her practice at effort because practicing doesn't thrill her. (never want to go the ice skating route, which is something that interests her). I pay for my knees now for that activity.

I really appreciate the views.

Best,
Ren