Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums GT Research Only praising kids for working hard

Yes, introversion is more common among gifted individuals than in the general population.

It is important to note that being introverted isn't the same as having bad social skills. There are extroverts with bad social skills and introverts with great ones. Introversion is more about how a person gets their energy.

http://www.sengifted.org/articles_social/BurrussKaenzig_IntroversionTheOftenForgotten.shtml This article may be helpful.

I agree with what many are saying regarding not praising innate intelligence. This is something I have exercised in the home environment and I don't praise effort if I know it hasn't been applied.

The interesting thing for me is that DS has always been praised for both his apparent effort and giftedness at school. I'm not saying the school dwells on this but no doubt there has been countless times that he has received praise and recognition for very little effort (test results, competitions, assignments, etc) as well as his innate intelligence. From our personal experience I see this has had no effect on his motivation or drive, in fact I think it is the opposite. DS is very introverted and would never openly discuss his abilities but the fact that the school, well does it for him, seems to boost his confidence and self esteem and his desire to achieve.

Yes, you're right. I was actually struggling for the right word there; I should have just said "poor social skills" or something similar.

Val

I've been torn by this dilemma. At my DD10's conference this spring, her teacher asked me to write a note praising her hard work this year. I felt put on the spot. Even though my daughter is an "A" student in a gifted program, I'm not sure how hard she worked. She definitely put in effort and produced quality work. On the other hand, I can't say that anything seemed hard for her or that she did anything that seemed challenging.

Well I guess I'm the odd ball. I praise alot.
I tell my DD everyday that I think she the sweetest, smartest, most beautiful little girl in the whole world and I am so lucky to have her.

Her straight A report card and drawings get hung on the fridge. If she is proud of something than I am proud for her, no strings attached

Some of ya'll might this interesting
http://chattahbox.com/us/2010/04/30/fox-news-hits-new-low-mr-rogers-is-evil/

Oh, I don't think there's reason to be stingy with praise, Floridama. There's a big difference between loving a child--and saying so--and talking about what they can and/or do actually do. Specific praise is generally thought to be better for kids than hyperbole, since they know when someone is blowing smoke and they stop believing even valid compliments if too much of what they're told doesn't ring true.

I want my kids to know they are loved and appreciated. I do NOT want them to think that I'm a liar or that their poo doesn't stink. I also don't want them to think that the only thing that matters is how smart they are.

I've used this often, but my mom always said, "It's nice to be smart, but it's smart to be nice." I think Mr. Rogers would approve.

I think it helps to go back to first principles. What Kohn is against is evaluating a child or what they do (positively or negatively) because when someone, especially someone as important as a parent, does that it teaches the child to override and disregard their own evaluation. So I think reinforcing DS's own self-evaluation which he's already come to is OK ("I did it! Yay!" "You did! Fantastic!" - or Floridama putting her DD's report card which DD is proud of on the fridge) and I think telling him how I feel about him ("I love you and I think you're the most wonderful little boy in the whole wide world and I love being your Mummy") is fine. Neither of those seems likely to stop him learning to evaluate what he does or to trust his own evaluation. I also try to be interested in what he has to say and to show me and to take a positive approach to it, of course.

What I try to avoid is jumping in and praising things he hasn't noticed, or phrasing things as evaluations of him which are actually expressions of my own feelings. (E.g., I try to say "Thank you for emptying the dishwasher, that lets me get on with supper" rather than "That was so responsible of you, emptying the dishwasher" even though the latter is the kind of "specific praise" that some authorities approve of.)

I agree, although I might replace "that" by "how"!

The temptation for parents in this situation can be to really fill in and disagree with the child - "that isn't true, you did a great job", "of course you are not ugly," etc. This of course doesn't change the child's self perception. I think what is more effective is to ask questions and encourage the child to think more realistically about their situation. Also, noting evidence that runs contrary to their belief is reasonable too.

We also talk about treating one's self as kindly as we treat our friends. DS5 is often MUCH harder on himself than he would be on one of his buddies. Rather than focusing on how wrong his perception is, we have had some luck with reframing if we talk about kindness to himself.

YMMV, of course.