Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Age or Ability Specific Forums Pre-school answering their big questions: death etc.

My DD 3.9 is asking about death in a way that really upset her last night. She said, "When I die will I be able to walk and talk and move?" Then started crying quite hard and said, "When I am dead, you won't be able to hear me..." Our beta fish died so she said, "When the fish died, he couldn't move so I won't be able to move (walk talk etc)..." and the worst: "If I die, you will have to get a new person" (because we replaced the fish). She was emotionally overcome by all this and crying so hard. Her stomach hurt after this. I grappled for the right things to say, and she eventually came around, but wasn't prepared for her to ask these questions so soon. How have you dealt with the topic when your child is very young and very emotionally sensitive. She has been aware of death for awhile (seeing dead insects, hearing me say the computer is "dead" or things in fairytales, but she has never talked about it so emotionally and asked about herself in this way).

When DS had just turned 4 he became fixated on the idea of me dying and leaving him. At the time the only way I was able to settle him was to listen, validate what he was saying and be open and honest. It became the time to open the dialogue about life and death. This is something I deal with frequently in my working life so for me it wasn't a difficult subject to broach.
Here is the link to a previous thread dealing with death which you may find helpful.

http://giftedissues.davidsongifted....true/worrying_about_death.html#Post24571

thanks, I read that thread. It seems as though some kids were very matter of fact about it, and some more emotional. It really broke my DD3's heart that she wouldn't be able to walk or talk to me anymore. She figured out the truth on her own and it upsets her deeply. I am going to do some more thinking and re-read that thread. Thanks.

We talked about death a lot at 3. I said things like, "If you die before me, I will be very, very sad. But I don't think you will die before me. I hope you will live until you're an old, old lady, even older than Grandma, and your own kids are all grown up. Then you can die when you're ready." I'd say, "When you're dead you won't feel sad, or worried, or lonely, because you won't feel anything." If she was worried that she wouldn't be able to eat, I'd say, "Yes, but you won't want to eat. You won't even get hungry." I also have told her that being dead is just like not having been conceived/born yet--and that's not scary at all. I must have done something right, because she's got a pretty healthy, relaxed attitude about it now.

My DD has had to deal with the matters of death from a very early age of 16 months. Her great-grandmother, whom she was very close to, passed away. And even though she was only 16 months, she seemed to get it. But she really didn't link it to her own mortality until around 3 when we lost our cat. She linked the death of the cat to the death of her 'Nana' and started questioned herself. We treated it very matter of fact and I was honest with her. She still brings up death but when she does we take the time to talk about it.

Oh ... we had a fish in the middle of that which DD actually killed by trying to hug. We didn't replace it and haven't talked about it since, but about a month ago she brought it up and talked about flushing it down the toilet. She also talked about trying to feed it the whole can of food and hugging it, arguing that she knows better now and would like to have another fish. My mouth still drops open with what that kid remembers. Does anyone else have a young one that seems to remember all the little details about events that happened before and around age two?

Re: early memories.

I have clear memories from when I was very young. Two are clearly dated, because they happened when we were away on trips, and one was around my second birthday. The other was when I was 11 mos. Everyone was a little shocked by that, but a fair number of the other, less datable ones must have been similarly early.

DS11 mos (! - and we're going on trip next week ) also seems to have very clear memories, sometimes indicating what he wants by reference to much earlier events (going to the room I nursed him in when he was 3 mos, for eg)

I'm going to make sure I take pics while we're away, so that when he asks about the _______ when HE's 14, I can send him to the album and ask if he means those ones

Thinking back, I spoke frequently with DS about death once he raised the issue and that was fine during the day. It was at bedtime that he became more emotional about the topic and less able to reason with. I think the thing that got us through those times were copious amounts of cuddles and reassurance.

Twinkletoes, I don't know if your religious but that has been a help for us on this subject. at the time DD's were 2 (almost 3) & 4 yrs old, the older one just stated I don't want to die young, wants to be an old lady with many grand and greatgrand kids when she dies, she'll be ready then. The younger one was a different story, when she understood my dad had died and her daddies dad had died, then she asked someday will I die? I said yes,lots of tears followed and I don't want you or daddy to die, and so on. It's the religion and knowning someday she will be with Jesus that helps her. Best wishes

This continues to be an ongoing topic for us. DS was 3 perhaps, and cried great volumes over Little Red Riding Hood. At 4, he became a vegetarian for awhile after we walked through a fish market. Luckily I found some food chain books, and his magic schoolbus book specifically dealt with the issue- that humans are made to survive this way.

What seems to have worked also is talking about how different cultures come to terms with death. He is stubbornly atheist after attending a church kindy for awhile, but even so, he saw that different people had different ways of remembering their loved ones and coping with loss.

It doesn't resolve the long term however- we are very close and he has said he doesn't want to live after i move on, like he's sure it'll be the same viceversa. Not sure what to do about this one ...

Re. early memories

I know I have at least one before I was two because my parents divorced when I was 2 and I have a very specific memory with them still together. Although, I don't know the exact age. I've noticed that DD seems to remember people and will be much more comfortable around people that she met before even if it was at a very young age (like 5 months old or younger).

OP. DH and I both believe in some sort of afterlife so with DD we'd simply explain our beliefs and answer her questions as best as we can. Maybe you could also explain that it is rare for humans to die when they are young and explain the difference in life spans (human vs. fish). I'm not sure if that would help or not?