Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Learning Environments Does this sound unreasonable?

My DS has complained frequently about the handwriting too. He has gotten much better as it came more naturally. I think writing can be so hard for a GT's extra fast working brain because the writing does not keep up with their brain.

If he is having challenge/work issues you may want to try some fun unschool type challenges at home. He can get that good feeling with challenge and hopefully apply that to his school work.

If you are loving the school, I would suggest letting him give it more of a try. It sound like it could be very good for him. I would continue to check into other school to educate yourself on the options to stay ahead of the game.

You're clearly in a very difficult situation. I completely agree with you on the hobgoblin of little minds, and yet, getting your DS to accept challenge and stick at things has been a recurring theme in your thoughts so it's clear that you agree your DH has a point there. In the end, perhaps the fact that he feels strongly that your DS should stay where he is and you're on the fence answers the question...

Here's what I'd do, if it were me, fwiw. I'd give the private school their $400 deposit, and I'd be quite open with them that DS probably wasn't coming. The way I'd look at it would be that this was an insurance policy, but, unlike most insurance policies which just bolster some multinational's profits if you end up not drawing on it, this one might end up being a donation to a worthy cause, and how bad would that be? (You might be able to get the school to agree that this would count as your deposit in the future if you end up moving your DS to them in some later year, or you might not: point is, although it's a lot of money, in the grand scheme of things, it isn't, and sometimes it pays to think that way.) Then I'd carry on with the working assumption that DS was staying at the Montessori for now. I would, however, resist making a financial commitment to them until I'd seen some definite improvement in DS's happiness there, or at least convinced myself that it was definitely right for him for now. If pushed, I'd probably say "if we have to make a firm decision right now it'll be to remove him, but we'd rather work with you so that we don't have to...".

What I'm less sure about is how I'd present this to DS, and even if I knew obviously YMMV! I think, would be that I'd explain to him that my concern was that I thought part of his problem with the Montessori school was that he wasn't buckling down consistently enough and working hard. I'd tell him that learning to do that was so important that there'd be no way I'd move him again without him having learned that - so that, *if* by the end of the year his Montessori teacher said he was working hard consistently, but he'd still prefer to switch to the other school, then that'd be what we'd do, but that if he wasn't, he wouldn't get that choice. [ETA: actually, this isn't entirely consistent with what I said about - you see, I do get that it's difficult ;-)] At the same time, I'd really emphasise that nobody expected him to get to perfection in one leap, and I might help him with the negotiation on how much he needed to write.

Another point I might make is that a highly flexible, small class situation can really only work if all the people involved are committed to working hard and making it work - small classes are great, but it only takes one non-cooperative child to make it impossible. So even if you decided now he was going there, he really would still have to learn the sticktoitiveness: you wouldn't be lying to him in saying this, I think.

Good luck!

Thank you, Colinsmum. I think that's all really great advice. I think it's a terrific idea to talk to ds about proving to me that his reason for not liking the school is about more than not wanting to work hard. We are really trying to focus on the positives and not allow ds to dwell on the negative aspects of school right now. He can tend to get bogged down and obsessive at times.

We are doing homework today, and it's been one giant meltdown after another, taking hours to do 1st grade homework! And it's all about the writing! He says he "can't" do it, but he really can. It just takes effort; he really HAS to master this. I think it will go a long way with him in terms of confidence and attitude if he masters this writing issue. I think it's time for some tough love on my part. : (

Would he go for short bursts of as fast as possible, maybe? My DS (also 6, also has issues with writing) seemed to benefit from a few goes of the "ten minute concentration challenge". The rule was that I gave him a subject, and he had to start immediately and write as much about the subject as he could in 10 minutes, stop-watch timed. Didn't matter how neat it was or wasn't, provided it was legible, and didn't matter how interesting it was provided it was at least relevant to the subject - this exercise was unashamedly about quantity rather than quality. At the end of the 10 mins we counted the words (at his insistence, with mis-spelled words counting half, though I think I'd have ignored spelling if he hadn't insisted) and the challenge was to beat your personal best. He only did it a few times, but it seemed to help over a hump, by getting him unstuck, or something: he had been getting very stressed over exactly what to write. (Incidentally he didn't get beyond 20-something words in 10 minutes, even when I could see he was focused the whole time.)

Have you asked him what he does not like about the writing? My son has been an unrealistic over thinker at times. He had issues with writing because he couldn't make his letter look exactly liked typed letters. Maybe you could get some cool grippies for his pencils and tell him these will feel good on his fingers. Sometimes a little change can help. Hope this gets better soon.
Pencil sharpening has been a major issue too. Mechanical pencils have been very important stress relief. This sounds so silly but it's true.

You might also want to try different kinds of writing utensils. My ds liked fat mechanical pencils/pens, but some kids like gel pens, markers, etc.

Having said that, my ds has dysgraphia, and for him it takes more than just trying harder.

Those are some great ideas. I'll definitely give them a shot. I'd bake my son a cake if he could write 20 words in 10 minutes! It took us almost 4 hours to finish the homework yesterday. He has to write a total of about 35 words. It was such an ordeal, we ended up banning the Wii. It's his biggest incentive, so when he shows us he can sit down and do homework without all the hassle, tears, and shouting, he can play Wii again. He knows it's going to take more than one day though.

My son does have unrealistic expectations related to perfectionism. Because he's in a mixed grade level class (1st-3rd), he expects to be able to do what the 3rd graders can do, and he expects to be able to do it the first time he tries. I'm sure the perfectionism plays a part here, but mostly, I think he's being lazy. He's just not used to working hard. It is an effort to write; I know he really has to work at it, but once he does it, he writes just fine other than frequent reversals. I've asked the teacher about his reversing his letters and numbers, and she said it's normal up to 3rd grade. You can tell when he writes it, he's struggling to recall which direction is correct. When he's at home, I make him rewrite the letter if it's backwards.

He'll probably like using the pencil grips. That's a really good idea. It might help with his grasp, and then there's the cool-factor. Novelty works with him. As for mechanical pencils, he likes them, but he breaks the lead constantly from baring down too hard. And, he gets distracted and starts playing with it, pulling the lead out and putting it back in.

Today, the headmistress (owner/administrator) of the school and the guidance counselor are meeting to discuss ds's reluctance to go to school and to write. They have both observed him in the classroom, and they are coming up with a plan and calling me after. They said they are trying to determine if there are adjustment issues, perfectionism issues, writing difficulties, attention problems, or if this is just part of ds's personality. She said the counselor will provide some therapy/counseling sessions if warranted. I left ds at school today fighting back tears with his lip trembling. I cried the whole way home. : (

I'm sorry to hear that, and I really hope the school can help. DS is having some "I hate school" issues and that's bad enough, even though in his case it doesn't seem as though he "really" hates school.

I spoke with the school psychologist and teacher today, and it appears their primary concern is ds's lack of focus. Apparently, he's off task more than he's on task. The psychologist said it was pretty excessive when she observed, and the teacher said that was actually a good day. Usually it's worse. So, I guess now we have to be open to the probability that the attention issues are due to more than just lack of challenge. DS seems to be sufficiently challenged at this point, and he's still having attention problems. They're seeing it across subjects and activities, even in PE. I see it at home as well (getting dressed, eating dinner, homework). HE is even complaining about not being able to stay focused long enough to get anything done. It's finally started affecting him academically and emotionally, which has always been our determining factor for assessing for possible ADHD. Going with this line of thinking, I talked with DS about the writing again, and he was able to explain that while he sometimes has trouble forming the letter and determining the correct size and spacing, mostly he just loses track of what he's writing. Therefore, it takes him a loooooonnnnngggg time to complete one word, and this becomes overwhelming.

The school would like to do some more observation, maybe get an OT eval to look at the handwriting, and then go from there. I think I'd like to just go ahead and get a comprehensive developmental assessment with a developmental pediatrician. I want to know if there's underlying ADHD because this will affect everything. I know of a really good doctor, and it looks like it's time to bite the bullet and have the evaluation done. It could be worse, right?

On a positive note, DS said today went much better than expected. ; )

Thanks for all the advice and support!