Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Over the worrying!

Jesse, I can really relate to this with regards to my own childhood and teen years.

Grinity, thanks, as always, for your words of encouragement and understanding.

Ds and I talked this afternoon and he said he feels like his body takes over when he has a meltdown and says:
"I'm going to do a meltdown even though you told me not to, brain!" I told him it is ok to have a meltdown if that's what it takes to release his tension. He said he feels like a bomb that's going to explode. I told him it's ok as long as he goes to his room to calm down. Once he's calm I'm more than willing to talk to him. I think if he can let himself off the hook and believe that no one is mad at him about the meltdown, he'll get over it even faster. I truly believe he can't help it. With other issues, he's had no problem learning to control himself with consistent consequences and/or rewards. With this, nothing helps, and that's probably b/c he isn't able to control it. As it is, it usually lasts 5-10 minutes, and then he's a new man. It really is a release for him. He says his heart starts beating really fast and his head hurts, and he needs to get it out. I've been there, so I want him to know that I love him even if he loses control. I sure wish we could help him find a more constructive way to deal with his frustration and anger, but for now this is what he has to work with.

On a very positive note, today at 2:45, ds started running around the house acting wild and impulsive. I said, "you know, I see a meltdown coming. You tend to have one around 3:00 a lot of days." So, I asked if he wanted to sit down and have a snack together. We did, and he was great. He even said, "A lot of times, when I have a meltdown you give me food and I feel a lot better. Maybe I just need to eat before the meltdown starts." Well, there's an idea!!! LOL I try, but he's not one to tell me if he's hungry, and on many days 3:00 is a very hectic time. I'm going to make sure to have a snack on hand, even though I'm not sure that's really the trigger.

Thanks again for everyone's input. I think this turned out to be a great thread with lots of great insight and info.

Oh, you remind me of something I saw on some PBS parenting TV show long ago that helped me--it can be very scary for a child to be unable to get control. That can make them spin out further and further. Remembering that helps me to be more patient. It's a real learning process for them to figure out what their triggers are and how to get control back when it's gone. Many adults are bad at this, so I guess it's not surprising that a small child with OEs has trouble. Poor things!

A child unable to get control but trying to is a very different problem from one who is throwing a hissy fit to manipulate adults. I commend you for recognizing the difference.

Snacks and alone time are vital around here. My mom and I used to argue every single day after school. I wasn't allowed a snack because we ate an early dinner. I blame a lot of that arguing on hunger. We make food a priority, hungry or not. I feed everyone--including myself--every 3-4 hours, no matter what. And if someone gets cranky, sometimes a few minutes in a room alone really helps to hit the reset button. Even extroverts need a little quiet time sometimes!

Go Jen!
I'm so glad to hear about you and DS having this discussion. My guess is that taking yourself 'off the hook' has allowed you and him the space to talk about 'the elephant in the living room.' sounds like some great problem solving and insight on both of your parts.

I want to throw in a 'bonus caution' - it is so amazing that a 6 year old can have that kind of self insight. I used to get so confused after similar conversations that my DS couldn't always put his insights into practice. That asynchrony thing.

BTW - in my house, I would set an alarm on my cell phone for 2:40 to give myself a 10 minute warning that I 'really did' have to stop what I was doing and make a little snack each day. I love those cell phone 'extras.'

L&ML,
Grinity

I am not suggesting that he has this, but I know 2 books that might address some of the issues. One is the Explosive Child, and the other is the Bipolar Child.

Temper tantrums/rages COULD in some cases be signs of early onset bipolar.

Explosive Child explains why many of the techniques that work on other children do not work on one that is explosive by nature.

Heheh. I always have child have morning snack and afternoon snack. If we don't have snack, all hell breaks loose. Yes, really. And I know that you know exactly what I'm talking about. LOL

I don't have kids of my own that have been that age yet but have known 2 very bright 6 year olds that had meltdowns, and personally I don't think their parents handled it particularly well (one parent would actually poke the kid, and sort of make fun of them, which I thought really seemed disrespectful of the child). Anyways, both seemed to outgrow it or manage it by the time they were about 10. Doesn't mean fine tuning how to handle it isn't a great objective as maybe there is more that could be done... but if you are (as it sounds like you are) just generally respectful of him and make it clear no one is resenting him or his emotions, then you are probably aren't enhancing the meltdowns. His own desire to be in control plus plenty of time will probably work wonders.

Polly

I agree! and yes it does get better during the period of time it is happening. For me it was when I "let go" and allowed him to vent, so much more cathartic (in the emotional sense!) for both of us. From where I'm sitting I think you are on the right track.

Thanks for all the replies. This really was a great thread. For some reason, maybe because we've stayed very busy over the past couple of weeks, we've seen almost zero meltdowns! Dh and I keep saying, "Who are you, and what have you done with our son?" Ds laughs and says, "I just think it's easier to get things to go your way if you're nice. Otherwise, you'll think, well I was going to help you out, but since you acted that way, why should I?" Um, hello? Again, who is this new little person?

He starts a new school Tuesday, so my guess is we'll see more meltdowns with the change. But, we're really enjoying this little reprieve!

Oh, and as I think someone else mentioned, it's very interesting to know that your child has the insight to understand that the tantrums are not productive or helpful, yet he seems to be unable to control it despite this level of awareness.