Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Age or Ability Specific Forums Pre-school The OMG factor

DD is shy in public and we do not speak english together so nobody understands what she says I do try to hide some of her skills if we have a visitor who has kids older than DD. I choose activities that do not clearly show her most noticeable skills (no puzzles, pre reading or counting activities).

DD gets much more attention about her looks. Several of her friends parents from daycare have frequently emailed me just to tell how pretty she is. It took a while to figure out what should I answer. For some reason ppl think that pretty little girls are supposed to sit still and mine is very active. I also get lot of comments about her athletic capabilities, they seem clearly superior compared to her peers.

I also find it difficult when parents talk about their kids development and usually mention their strengths and weaknesses. I can not really say anything about mine.

I hate to admit this but when kids come over I hide some of DS2.4's stuff and put out toys and books he finds too simple. (The hidden bonus in this is that DS is not phased when visiting kids are playing with "his stuff".) But I feel so weird prepping our house like that, like we have some awful secret that needs to be hidden. I don't want us to stand out. Plus I think it might make the other parents feel worried about their child's development when their kids are entirely normal.

Polly

I know what you mean. DD is physically quite advanced, however, she's very big for her age. Out and about we often get asked her age (I do try and round up a bit ) but we still get a lot of comments. I normally just say that she either got the physical part from my husband or that she's very active. I don't *think* she understands the comments at all at this point but I have been trying to practice what I say already for when we do get to that point.

We also get a lot of appearance comments because she has a mess of curls (again from my husband! ) so for those comments we just say thanks.

It looks as though we are going through the same thing again. This happens to both of my DDs almost every day and while on some level it feel good, on another it makes me a little uncomfortable especially if people start wondering if their child is behind. It is funny because I thought my second DD1, was behind because she wasn't doing some of the things my first DD3 was doing but now every day I am starting to hear how amazed people are so I have no perspective.

My DD3 also often hears the almost daily "OMG" since
she doesn't miss anything so I don't know how it is affecting her. I ask her about preschool and she says things like "All the other kids think it is still October. Why don't they understand it is December now?" She knows that they scribble whereas she draws detailed pictures and makes three-D sculpture, they mumble whereas she talks clearly in complex sentences, and they try to figure out letters whereas she can read pretty darn big words. She is one of the youngest in her class but it really isn't the right fit and I don't know what to do for her for next year. Fortunately she has a very playful "toddler" in her so she can connect with other children on that level of dancing, singing, and goofing off, but I am pretty sure she already knows she is different and wonder how that makes her feel. I have seen her purposely scribble to fit in at preschool, and to change the way she speaks to other little ones. I wish she had some pals who were more like her. I remember her last year at two asking other two year olds to "sit down and have a conversation" with her, and then seeing them scramble off babbling. It must be frustrating for her.

We have been fairly lucky with limited outside comments for DD's intellect since she has never been the type to show it in public. This is changing because she is getting more comfortable with the general public and is opening up more.

What we seem to have the most attention about and is just as damaging (IMHO) is her looks. DD is a gorgeous child. I have had comments since infancy through now about her and in front of her. Most of the time it is comments such as 'breath taking'; 'looks like a china doll'; 'gorgeous'; etc. We have even been approached for commercial work for local boutiques and major department stores. It is definitely not something we would consider.

My problem with this is my DD is very aware of her looks and all the comments she receives. She might conclude looks are more important than other traits. I haven't seen this yet, but it is my fear.

as an antidote to all the comments about smart, pretty, or talented these kids are, I think it would be helpful for us as parents to make sure to point out things to them like their kindness, their ability to listen, their creativity, etc.

I grew up being "rewarded" for being attractive (even modeled a little bit), artistic, smart, and athletic, and it became a prison. All these things are positive, but they were outward and often required an audience and I started to feel obligated at different points in my life to live up to these things although my parents never drove me in any way. I just felt the world valued me for these things and not for anything deep inside. I still feel awful that I didn't do these earthshattering things people expected me to do with my "talent."

Like your DD, my DD is also pretty with long blonde hair and has been on a local magazine cover (people tried to encourage me to put her into modeling, but I won't, I just did this on a lark when we were asked), but her personality just doesn't fit the "pretty girl" image in a way that is a relief to me. She is very outspoken, likes dinosaurs, stands up for herself, etc.
I think we as parents can set examples about what we value about ourselves and others and when other people comment on how pretty they are, we can chime in about other traits so they at least know they are more than a pretty face.

No5, this is exactly our scenario. DD has been ooohed and ahhhed over because she has blonde ringlets, big blue eyes and a dimple. People have been commenting on her looks every day of her life (even when she looked like a boy for the first year lol). I have been struggling with that more than anything, since there is so much pressure out there on girls and their looks.

In terms of her outgoing personality, physical daringness and language skills, people now just assume she's 4 and we leave it at that.

I've decided to not downplay all this, but instead try to model how to respond to her getting so much verbal attention from strangers. Afterall, when she's older, she'll have to respond all by herself, without me there.

You could try: 'Yes, I think it's her warm smile that makes her so beautiful.'or
'Yes, I always find a person attractive when they have that look of persistince on their face.'

A la Rimm, you can turn a comment about a 'feature' into a comment about 'character.'

Afterall, even if your dd grows up to be physically attractive, she is surely going to go through an 'ugly duckling' phase somewhere in the process.

My .02,
Grinity

Grinity, it's hard to use that approach when people comment on her curly hair. For now, I've decided to not dodge the bullet, but catch it in my hand. "Yes, great curls," and move on. DD wants her hair to be straight like mine. As superficial as curly hair may be, it's as much a part of her as her height, skin color, or nose. She stands out because of her hair, and if I really wanted to level the playing field I'd spend my time straightening it (shaving it would call attention to her, too).

Also, I grew up not being able to receive a compliment. If someone said I was a beautiful girl, I'd feel mad and not believe it. That caused its own problems down the line.

Before we had kids I told my husband, "Never tell girls how beautiful the are, or how pretty they look. We have to compliment them on other things." But I've so changed my tune. I only tell my DD "You are such a good girl," when there is nothing going on - I never say that after she has done some thing, so she knows it is an absolute statement, not one conditional on her behavior. But when other people comment on DD's looks, I have decided to not discount what they say. (Nor do I discount the compliments on her language or physical ability.)

So, while I completely agree with what you are saying, I think we adapted it to our sitation with DD. We reinforce her tenacity, self control and thoughtfulness at home.

We have similiar situation with people stopping in their tracks to look at DD. I usally say thank you and say she is twice as beautiful on the inside. I tell her that's so nice but remember what's important.

When my son is there and they totally miss him, I say, Thank you, I've been blessed with two beautiful children.

This has been hard to deal with. People don't mean any harm. I've actually had to tell people it is unappropraite to touch her hair or shout across the room about her.

My DD has it all beauty in & out along with brains and a load of personality. She really does amaze me. She really has taught me alot about life too. It's such a blessing.