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Why do people, when they hear that you are homeschooling, invariably feel the need to tell you why they could NEVER teach their own children? Some people follow it up with, "I give you credit." or "You're braver than I am." or "I commend you for that, but...."

My choice to homeschool is a personal one based on our personal circumstances; it is not a statement of belief, nor is it a dig on anyone else's choice to send their kids to school!!!!

I don't know why this bothers me so much. I guess it's because it sounds like a backhanded compliment. It's just very interesting that without question, the person I'm speaking to is going to tell me why they could NEVER homeschool, but "good for you!" Ugh. Thanks for letting me vent!

Having actually said this before and then having gone on to homeschool myself...

When I said it, I meant it as a compliment about the person's patience--admiration, even!--and a criticism of my own. I intended it as a comment on the way my personality would/wouldn't fit with my son's.

(It turned out I was wrong about that most of the time. We do fine personality-wise. I could use more patience, but even there I do better than I thought I would.)

My advice: take it as a sign of someone who wants to say something nice and who doesn't understand what homeschooling really is. You're probably dealing with someone who thinks--as I did--that homeschooling is 7 hours locked in a room alone with your children and a pile of workbooks. School at home, in other words.

And in fairness, I **COULDN'T** do that!

The thing is, of course, that that's not how most people homeschool. It certainly isn't the way it has to be if someone wants to do otherwise.

If you can help it, don't take it personally. You'll make yourself crazy. My usual response is something like, "If you can parent, you can homeschool. It's easier than you think it is. You may not *want* to homeschool, and that's fine. But you could do it if you wanted to or needed to."

If they pursue it, I tell them more about homeschooling. If not, I drop it. I'm not out to "convert" anyone.

HTH!

I think it sounds like a backhanded compliment because it is a backhanded compliment.

ETA: I've used the phrase before, in relation to different things, and I've always meant it as a sort of gosh-I-don't-really-agree-but-there's-no-point-in-going-on-about-it statement.

Definitely not a back-handed compliment from me. I know several HS families and they've invariably raised HS as a possible solution to our variety of GT-ed challenges.

I generally inject a bit of humor -- firmly rooted in truth -- that were we to attempt such an undertaking, one or both of us (father and/or son) would end up buried in a box out in the woods.

So I genuinely give lots of credit, commendation, kudos, etc. because HS is not something everyone can do successfully.

I'm coming to appreciate the "couldn't do it" comments more than I used to. Homeschooling isn't always easy, it's not always fun, and it can take a lot of time and energy. I take the "couldn't do it" comment as a nod to the effort expended.

I really do wonder sometimes about families (specific ones we know IRL - not a veiled reference to anyone here) who homeschool when it's NOT working out at all, when they have practically insurmountable obstacles, have to give up more time, energy and money than they have available, move heaven and earth... and it's still not working out. Really, in those cases I'd rather hear them say they couldn't do it.

In terms of its relationship to GT-ed challenges, I've always started from the stance that no situation is perfect. In our case homeschooling is a heck of a lot better than our other options. But there are options in other places that would be a heck of a lot better than my homeschooling... and the options we have here might be better than homeschooling for some families, or for some kids in some families. In our case I expect we'd be moving heaven and earth to get the schools to be a good fit for DS... and it still wouldn't work out.

What would public schoolers like to hear when they state their choices? I'd imagine something like, "How do you like it?" Or, "Is that the school over on ____ street with the big playground?" Or maybe, "My nephew went there and he loved it." How would you feel if you said you were sending your kid to Jefferson and someone responded by saying, "Wow, I could never do that. You're braver than I am."???

I think generally if you don't have something positive or neutral to say, questions are a good idea. Perhaps just one basic question, if you don't want to get involved in a lengthy discussion, and then an "oh, okay" and a subject change.

Frankly, I'm not sure there's a better thing for most people to say. That's why I suggest not taking it personally.

When I hear "Wow, good for you. I could never do that," I think of it the way I think of "How do you do?": most people who say it are just doing their best to be polite and don't really care that much. In the case of homeschooling, that's probably a good thing, really. But even if they are judging me, so what? As you say, JenSMP, it's a choice based deeply in specifics. They don't know my specifics, so with time I've found it becomes a lot easier to shrug off their misguided judgements.

I guess I think the important thing for non-homeschoolers to know is that there's a period for most new homeschoolers that feels very raw. It's hard to be different, and homeschooling is different. It's a very scary leap to make, and even if you're not being judged, you feel like you are. Often comments from others touch on our own fears of not being good enough. So, yeah, even well-intended comments can hurt.

Maybe since you all know us, you could say something like, "I have some friends who homeschool, and I know it's a big decision. How's it going for you?" or something like that. Something neutral--since I don't know how any of you actually feel about homeschooling and don't want to dictate to you--but that's supportive of the homeschooler's feelings?

Maybe this doesn't work for all cases, but I guess I'd have preferred to hear this over "I could never do that."

The only danger I can see is if you run into someone who doesn't understand that you're just trying to be polite and actually tells you all about how it's going...

It's funny, but I find myself saying the same thing ("I don't know how you do it!) to other homeschoolers who are schooling more children than I am!!! While I am truly loving homeschooling my son, I couldn't imagine taking on my other 5 children right now. So, when I meet a mom who is schooling 2 or more kids at home, I am always amazed and usually find myself saying the same lame things people say to me!

Ouch.

Frankly, what you just wrote there sounds great to me, Dottie! Especially if you do want to hear more about it, then saying this sounds really supportive and opens the door to a good conversation.

Honest interest, expressed honestly, is never a bad thing, IMHO. You're very unlikely to say something offensive if you know a little something about the choice (as you certainly do!) and you ask kindly.

HTH!