Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy exasperated, aggravated and defeated!

I've been advised by those who've been there that things start to improve significantly once children turn, um, 25 or so. A friend uses the term "nagony" to cover both the agony of listening to your children nag you, and the agony of having to nag them over and over and over and over.

I treat myself every now and then to the delicious classic -"Because I Said So!!!" I savour the words as they roll off my tongue, regardless of whether or not they're effective. I love the fantasy world that they conjure up.

Count me in on all counts. :-) I like the one where I politely ask a child to do something and get ignored. Ask again...maybe one or two more times then YELL. Then get the bewildered and/or defensive "Sheesh Mom you don't have to yell." Don't I? Grrrrr
Although I have stopped yelling. We instituted a point reward system that also includes losing points for set behaviors. All of this is written down and was done in conjunction with the kids. Not listening to a parent the first time they say something? Minus 10. So no more yelling. I just say minus whatever and go to the board and take the points. It may not be felt right away but when cash in points day comes they wonder where did all the points go. It has really helped cut down on the fighting between kids as I think they see that all the rules apply equally to all. They also get points for extraordinary behavior and so on Sunday my seven year old cleaned the whole house...everyone's room, did the dishes and cleaned even the bathrooms just on a whim.
I do still try to get to the root of certain pervasive undesired behaviors but decided that in the meantime I needed a way to address them in a positive manner that would have immediate effects. The point system has definitely helped.

I've perfected an icy glare with the accompanying words, "Excuse me?" that works for a lot of situations. The child must know what is expected of them, and must have heard the original instruction for this to work. The child must already respect me as the authority. The grands have learned that grandma not only rocks, she is a rock!

[/quote] I also wonder if there isn't some kind of maturation/struggle to establish independence going on, or maybe it just stinks to be the only kid "against" two adults. Maybe he feels like he should have equal authority - which he will never get, of course, but that doesn't mean he doesn't want it. [/quote]


We have had many conversations over the years about who is in charge - parent vs. child. My most effective behavior changes with my DS9 have been talking to him away from the moment, when he is motivated to get/do something. I try to focus on feeling good about being one's best self. I try to keep conversations short so it's more effective. Following are two examples I've used.

We have talked about what it means to be a parent. Examples are keeping a job, paying bills, laundry, managing responsibilties, schedules, driving a car, ect. He will have his turn at this when he grows up. Enjoy being a kid. I ask him, Do you really want to be incharge? NO.

When children don't do as they should it invites an adult to boss them. Bossing oneself feels better.

Had to laugh at this one. I have had to create a rule where the more often DS asks, the less likely he is to get the answer he wants. In making this rule, I had to point out that asking, and maybe later reminding once, is not nagging, but repeating the same theme over and over again is nagging.

This goes along with asking me to define *exactly* how many peas, or other bites of food, he has to eat. "Is this enough?" "How about this, if I eat this, will that be enough?" My response has been that the more often he asks, the more that I will require him to eat. He has to guess what is reasonable, and when he is sure he has had enough, he can ask. - This rule, however, is partially because of negotiating and nagging tactics, and partially because he has a lot of foods he thinks are 'okay' but if he isn't in the mood, then he will try not to eat it. I'm not going to tell him he only needs to eat 8 peas, if left to his own devices he will actually eat 12.

Well, I can't explain it, but Dr. Jekyll has returned! Since he came home from school yesterday, he has been over-the-top polite, calm, reasonable and pleasant.

Yesterday he did his homework neatly and quickly and without complaint of any kind. This morning I asked him if he had brushed his teeth. "Oh, no," says Mr. Cheery. "Thanks for reminding me."

He was even funny again - but I'll have to put that in the brag thread.

I don't know how long this will last, but I sure am loving the reprieve.

And I can't thank you all enough for all the support and commiseration and ideas. You have all been so very helpful!

We use the terms Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde quite often in our house, and like you we never know what isthe true root cause of any behavior. These are complicated kids with major extremes. When they're good, they're REALLY good, but when they're bad....

Your ds sounds so much like my ds6. Just wanted to say I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you and praying that Dr. Jekyll sticks around for a long while. He's visiting our house this week too! Thank God! I couldn't take another week like last week without having a nervous breakdown.

I just read this thread again, and it's amazing to me that we experience EVERY single one of the behaviors described by the parents on a regular basis. I don't know if these are behaviors typical for all children (we only have one) or if they are typical behaviors for gifties in particular. All I know for sure is that it is exasperating and wonderful all at the same time.

Good luck. Still sending those positive vibes!

Sounds like my conversations with my 5 year old.

[/quote]When children don't do as they should it invites an adult to boss them. Bossing oneself feels better. [/quote]

Good one! That is one my DS8 will definitely be motivated by. Thanks for sharing!

Oops, messed up the quote!