Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy exasperated, aggravated and defeated!

I don't know what's going on with DS8 lately, but he is driving us absolutely bonkers! It's getting to be a "you say black, I say white" kind of situation, and we are at wit's end.

Typical tidbits of late:

Me: Oh, so you find the library chilly?
He: NOOOO, when it's cold outside it's cold in the library!
Me: How is that different from what I said?
He: ... I don't know.
[followed by five minutes of arguing who said what and how the statements are, in fact, not different at all]

**********

Me: Why are your pajamas not in the dresser?
He: I didn't know if I should fold them.
Me: Daddy said "put the clothes in the drawer," right?
He: Yes, but I didn't know if I should fold these.
Me: Put the clothes in the drawer. How much clearer could it get?
He: But I thought maybe later -
Me: PUT THE CLOTHES IN THE DRAWER! HOW MUCH CLEARER COULD IT GET?!
[pause]
He: I'll put them in the drawer.
Me: [with steam coming out my ears] THANK YOU!!

***************

He: Can I wear this [red rubbery bracelet] today?
Me: No, you can't take it to school.
He: But I could wear it for Red Day.
Me: Today is Red Day, and you are not taking it to school. Go put it downstairs in one of your treasure boxes.
He: But maybe I could keep it right up here so -
Me: MAYBE I CAN THROW IT OUT AND THEN WE'LL HAVE NOTHING TO ARGUE ABOUT!


GAAAH!

I was sobbing last night to DH. I spend all week thinking "oh, I wish we had time to do this," "the boy would love to do that if only we had time," and "too bad that happens during work hours, it would be great to do with the boy." And then we get a long stretch of weekend with plenty of time to do things and I can't stand to be around him for two minutes! So I go away for awhile and decide to try again in half an hour and the first words out of his mouth are more and more argument!

He's really a well-behaved kid, especially given what we observe with the neighbors, his classmates, etc. But we have a really hard time keeping that in mind when his mouth is moving constantly and spewing nothing but backtalk and sass and contradiction.

Not to mention the thousand little broken rules all day long ... I am SO SICK of saying "wash your hands with soap!"

I don't know what's going on with him, I don't know how to make myself more patient, I don't know how to get back to a more respectful tone (on both sides) in our conversations.

And I don't know how to get him to wash his stinkin' hands.

Sigh. Vent over. Thanks for reading.

Sending lots of hugs your way!!! Your comments are so very much like several conversations we have here with our almost 7 year old son :-) We are convinced that he will make the world's greatest lawyer and could argue himself out of anything. My husband made a joke the other day that it was like the last month with DS was like living with a crazy teenager going through puberty. Then this weekend we had him stand on his measuring wall to see if he had grown...he grew almost 2 inches in under a month......every time he goes through one of these massive growing spells he acts like a dragon! The sad thing is that he goes through massive growth spells every month :-) The doc says he is going to be a minimum of 6'2 and he is already into size 5.5 boys shoes. Maybe your little guy is going through something similar?
Hugs again!!!

Wow, Belle, I think you may be onto something. We just did his 6-month measurement a couple weeks ago and he is 1-1/2" taller than he was in April. His new set of school jeans are not going to last very long, but the next size up is still *way* too big. (I did find that Levi's makes interim sizes, and those seem good for now, but I'll have to buy several more pairs soon ... but cripes those things are pricey compared to Target!)

For some reason it never occurred to me that, despite having just measured him, he may actually continue to grow afterwards. You mean they keep doing that growing thing all the time?!

So, can we avoid him until he is comfortably in the midst of the size 10s?

Thank you so much for the hugs, I really need them!

Ahh. You ask him hard questions. He isn't an adult, although he probably has shaped your behavior into verbally conversing like one. I promise that he doesn't have the power to 'make' you argue with him. You are the adult and you hold all the cards, except his outstanding ability to be irritating if he 'goes there.'

What is your favorite parenting book? Get it out and brush up your act. If you don't have one you like, you can borrow my current favorite:

I know that it would be nice if you DS was more 'giving' but he's just going through a very self-involved stage right now. It will pass. You can reward him for being 'nice' to you, and if those rewards are sweeter than the excitement he gets from arguing and obstructing, then he will act nice too, but right now you and he are locked in a dance were arguing and slacking are very engaging. If you feel like you can't stop, how do you think that he is going to be able to?

((Hugs))
Grinity

If I didn't know any better I'd think you were a fly on the wall in MY house about 6 weeks ago! We were seeing the exact behaviors you described before pulling ds from school to homeschool. Then again I was at my wits end last week, literally in tears all day for two days, and I'm trying to homeschool ds. Not the same behaviors, more inattention and emotional breakdowsn! We took a little break, went out of town, and he was an absolute charming little angel at the wedding we went to. In fact, he was wonderfully behaved the entire weekend.

We're back home today, and he's better than last week, but I can see him slipping right back into his usual behaviors. I feel for you. Honestly I do. Just try to look at it as a phase and not that your ds is going to turn out to be a negative, argumentative, difficult person. That's always my big concern; "oh no, this is how he's going to be forever!" That's usually when I get most upset...I have a hard time putting things in perspective sometimes, and it seems bigger than it is. I'm not trying to minimize your struggles, but I think what you need is a good day together to remind yourself what a great boy you have. Maybe plan a special event or visit a park, zoo, something he loves to do. Take yourselves out of your usual environment and routine.

Also, just curious if you ds appears to be enjoying school. My ds showed a lot of those same behaviors because he was very stressed in his school environment. Not trying to project, but I thought I'd mention it. Ds was not challenged in his classroom and was in trouble a lot for not paying attention, talking, etc. It was just a very negative environment for him in general. Once he got home every day, he unleashed on the safe people at home.

I hope this helps. Just this mom's two cents. Hope things get better. Sending positive vibes and lots of hugs your way!
Jen

Sadly, I fall into this with my husband all the time! He will argue and argue just for the sake of making conversation! It drives me nuts. I see DS starting to pick up on it.

I think you'll find yourself having more patience if you talk less and when you do talk, get extra silly about it. Something like a very very overexaggerated silly voice "Oh yes, of course, you meant cold not chilly, I can see how cold might have confused you since you were talking about being chilly!"

When you need something done a simple "You can talk to me again when you have put your clothes away" then walk away. Don't let him engage you. I'd stick a sticky note on the mirror that says "Wash with soap or don't come out." If he comes out, don't talk, just walk into the bathroom, point and walk out. Less talk, more action!

Don't keep repeating yourself, you're going to go nuts! I have found that many years teaching middle school has made this part of parenting easier. There is nothing a 7th or 8th grader won't argue about!

Grinity ... great advice and something we all can be reminded of when we are in the heat of it. I, myself, had a few frustrating months with my 3 yr old and was definitely ready to pull my hair out. I had to step back and take some breaths. Talking to my DH helped. It was when I realized it was more me than her and changed my tone and method of handling it that she came out of her phase. We still have moments and I catch myself raising my voice ... but I just remind myself that hey ... I'm learning too.

Just want to send you a big hug ... I know it can be frustrating and I am only dealing with a 3 yr old. :P

excellent advice all around.

Bonusmom -

I hope some of the advice will be useful to you. At the very least, that posting your angst and getting it out is theraputic.

I know for me sometimes the hardest part is "getting out of my own head." for instance, the soap thing. the same thing happens with us. ALL the TIME

typical scenario: I ask DS to wash his hands and watch him run into the bathroom and run out. He is barely in there for a minute so I know he probably, touched the soap for a split second, and then wash his hands for 2 or 3 seconds. (He sometimes does it when I am standing right there!)

I am thinking to myself. "DS needs to wash his hands properly so that he won't get sick. especially since it is flu season, and he is susceptible to bronchitis. And if he got sick he would miss school and I would miss work. And his class is having field trip this week... How can he not remember to use soap when DH and I have reminded him 17 times every day for the last 3 years?...? this kid is going to drive me nuts! etc."

But then I remember that he is not thinking any of this stuff. He is probably thinking:

"The sooner I get in and out of the bathroom, the sooner I can go back to palying legos. Maybe she won't notice that I only touched the soap etc."

Sound familar to anyone?

Excellent point, thanks!

I do use that every so often, but I'm afraid it sometimes makes him feel stupid, so I try to do it only when he seems to be feeling relatively secure. If I can get him laughing, though, it's good.


Heh - I have posted print-outs from the CDC, I have told him the stats about how many children in our area have died and how many have been hospitalized, I have written mnemonics, I had him write a song, I posted a list of what people used for toilet paper before toilet paper existed ... oops, different issue!


I think I'm going to start repeating that to myself!