Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Learning Environments Help! Am I making a big pre-school mistake?

Hello - a bit about me: My name is Victoria, and I have one son who will turn 5 at the end of November. He is an only child, and I feel that he exhibits signs of giftedness, though he has never been tested. We live in GA, and in this state, a child must be 5 by September 1st to enter kindergarten. I was informed that there are no exceptions to this rule. I placed my son in one of the free "GA Pre-K" programs. I do not feel that this was a good match, either academically or socially. (Realistically, I did not excpect much academically from pre-k; I hoped he would make friends and have fun.) Shortly after entering the pre-k, my son began to vehemently express his dislike of the school, saying things such as: "I want to move to Pluto; "I want to smash (the name of the school)", and (most disturbingly), "I wish I were dead/never born."
When we would ask what it was that he didn't like, he would invariably say, "the bad lunches (they had a rule that we must purchase their lunch - a rule I never even thought to ask about as it never occurred to me that a kid couldn't bring his lunch)," and "nap time (he hasn't napped since before 1 yr old, though the teachers were nice enough to let him read during nap time)." One day I asked the teachers if they could think of any reason why my son would hate going to school, and they seemed stunned. They said that he's not a behavior problem, very smart, and he seemed happy. I asked if he plays with other children, and they thought about it and said that he plays alone alot. I know that when he's with us at home, he's always trying to engage us in play. When I took him for orientation, I'd mentioned that he's reading. I was told, "that's ok, we had a number of readers last year." When I later asked if there are other kids at his level, they looked at each other and said, "no, some of the kids know some of their letters, but none of the others are actually reading." My son regularly reads Henry & Mudge, The Magic School Bus, etc. unassisted (and has for over a year). The last straw came for us last night when I discovered a BITE MARK on his arm. While my son neither complained at the school, nor to us, he was bitten so hard that the bruise was visible tonight, more than 24 hours after the occurence. My husband & I decided to withdraw him and place him in a small Montessori school. While the director of the old pre-k couldn't care less, the teachers of his old school were very upset. They felt that he was making great social progress (I admit that today, of all days, I did witness this for the very first time in his two months there), and said that I would be teaching him that any time he shows any difficulty I would yank him away. This particular teacher has a child with Aspberger's Syndrome, and states that my child shows some similar behaviors. I don't feel that I am in denial, but I genuinely don't think he has this condition. While he does lack some social snd motor skills, he is the only child of two reclusive parents. He posesses great empathy and while he has the large vocabulary, he has a great sense of humor and absolutely loves word play. Further, she said that Montessori would be great for him academically, but disasterous for him socially as it is all independent work/play. The Montessori school we are interested in is small and new; the director seems very interested in working with us, and said that social and motor skills would be a focus.

Sorry for such a long and rambling post; I am truly worried at this point. I'm also considering having him tested, though to what end, I don't know. The Montessori director is working with us financially, and we have had to make rather large cuts in our retirement savings, etc. to make this move. We are in a supposedly good area for public schools, so hopefully, next year will be ok (finger's crossed). Does anyone have any advice or similar experience?

I don't know. There really is a fine line here. It also is not ok to teach kids that you should stay somewhere you are miserable and apparently mistreated. I wouldn't worry about any of the teachers. "Not their kid" is sort of my saying.
Does he have to be in preK? Just wondering if you could pull him out completely. Personally, I would have pulled him out so fast it would make their head spin but, that is just my personality/bias against schools speaking. I have a little guy who does not go to prek yet but, he is in tons of other activities so he can play with other kids.

GL!

We do not have to put him in pre-k; it is not compulsory, and we do not need it for the baby-sitting. Our entire reason for his participation is for socialization that he was not getting at home with us (my husband works 3 days per week; I work 5 - any day we are both working is covered by my mom or mother-in law). My husband is more reclusive than I, and I only have one weekend day per week off, so it's taxing for me to try to cram in all of the other activities. I do, however, frequently take him to the science museum, other museums, parks, etc. as well as set up play dates for him. The Montessori school seems like it would be a good fit, and I wouldn't be second guessing myself if it weren't for the teacher's extreme reaction.

I would not use the teacher as diagnotic. I do believe teachers can lead to becoming aware of problems but they are not a doctor or pschologist. Behaviors that are similar to ADD for example can occur because of environment, stress and many other factors. This does not mean a child is ADD.

I would suggest you might talk to some parents that go to the school and see what they think of this teacher. Also go observe the class. Could you volunteer for a day? Or make a very social plan with classes and playdates.

Following your "mom gut" is always a good idea. Was he getting enough out of the school to make it worth his time--keeping in mind that at 4/5yo, a school year is a BIG chunk of his life!--especially when he could be doing other things? It sounds like the answer to that is a resounding no. Don't let the teachers worry you. They clearly didn't understand your child the way that you do. Why would they know what's best for him more than you do?

I'd also counsel not being too upset by the "I wish I were dead" sorts of comments in a child that age--provided you do something about what's causing the comment. (That's key!) It's a pretty common way to express unhappiness with a situation. If you don't see other signs of depression, it's probably better translated as "I am really not happy with this school."

If you DO see other signs of depression, take action quickly, of course. I don't want to downplay that!

But I think it pays to remember that "You're mean to me" becomes "I hate you!" and "You're nice to me" is "You're the best Mommy ever!" for kids this age.

Hang in there!

If your child was bitten hard enough to bruise some sort of reaction had to happen at the school when it happened (OW! hey don't bite me! something...). If that was not noticed or reported there is a HUGE problem. I am listed under a friend's daycare license and if a child is EVER hurt you have to write it up and inform the parents. Same with the daycare/preschool/K program Wolf goes to. If a bite that hard went unnoticed that means the teachers are not paying enough attention and that is DANGEROUS!!!

The fact that they are getting on your case about pulling him and not bending over backwards apologizing to cover their butts for missing that astounds me.

You did exactly the right this by pulling him and if I were in your shoes I would inform the principal of the bite incident and that it wasn't reported. Heck I'd send an email straight up the chain on that one.

Other than the school, I did not see any serious signs of depression. And while he made the comments of "I wish I were dead," and has expressed some fascination with the subject, I do not see any actual suicidal ideations. The last week he had not expressed as much (or, at least as vehemently) his displeasure, however, he has been extremely constipated. My husband seems to think it's a coincidence, but I can't help but wonder if there's a connection: internalizing frustration.

I'm hoping that the new school will be a good fit. We figure, however, that if it isn't, we could keep him at home until kindergarten.

[quote=Wyldkat]If your child was bitten hard enough to bruise some sort of reaction had to happen at the school when it happened (OW! hey don't bite me! something...). If that was not noticed or reported there is a HUGE problem. I am listed under a friend's daycare license and if a child is EVER hurt you have to write it up and inform the parents.

They said that they didn't see it and my son didn't complain. While I don't understand why he didn't, I do believe the teacher - she's called me before about him bumping his head, getting a small scratch. Further, when I asked my son, he said "it didn't hurt," which is hard for me to believe as the bruise is still visible Sunday morning. When I brought it to their attention, they did document it, but I did not feel that they took it as seriously as the viciousness of the bite warranted.

The fact that they are getting on your case about pulling him and not bending over backwards apologizing to cover their butts for missing that astounds me.

The teachers did apologize (one of the regular teachers was at training the day of the bite), but the one who was absent was the one who was going on and on about how detrimental it would be to withdraw my son. She even said, "one bite by a child who doesn't speak English, and you want to yank him out. . . and he's not traumatized; he doesn't even care about the bite." The day of the incident when I went to pick him up, he was acting weird - saying he didn't want to go home, etc. Often he speaks in opposites when he's upset ("I don't want to go to the park! I want to stay home and go to sleep!"). That day when I picked him up, I asked the remaining regular teacher if he had a good day, and she said that everything wss fine. In fact, that morning before the incident, my husband asked her how my son's doing (meaning socially with the other children), and she said,"about the same." Then that afternoon, the other teacher (who had been away for the previous two or three days) was going on and on about how he has improved.



You did exactly the right this by pulling him and if I were in your shoes I would inform the principal of the bite incident and that it wasn't reported.

I spoke with the director along with the teachers. While my husband and I like the teachers (the one saving grace of this pre-k is the teachers), the director has made it plain that she does not care about any of our concerns. When I told the director that I wanted to withdraw my son, she said, "Ok. I'll make a copy of your papers for you." The teachers are the ones who are concerned, I feel that they truly care about my son, even if their opinions differ from mine.

I have no personal experience with his age as my child is younger, but it seems to me the reasons you began looking for another school have not changed. I would ignore the adults at your son's old school, and focus on your son's experience of school and whether he likes it or appears to be gaining something from it, or not. You and your son know your son best.

Personally I'd ask him to try the new one for some predetermined amount of time and if that one isn't working either for whatever reason (could be some as yet undetermined completely different issue) not make him miserable by insisting he continue, unless he is super shy and you don't trust his judgement about it. As you said pre-k is not compulsory and your need is really just social exposure.

There are lots of ways to get social experiences where he has to fend for himself amongst a group of peers, you could have him attend summer daycamps next summer, classes, etc. (And for non school things you are allowed if you choose to fudge about the birthday too so that he can be with slightly older kids, a possibility I learned about on this board and fully intend to take advantage of next summer so my DS can attend more interesting camps than he might otherwise).

Polly

I would like to thank everyone for their advice! We are going to give the Montessori school a try, and we have reserved the right to withdraw him (we're paying month-to-month). We'll see how it goes. Of course, the Montessori thread has given me pause as to whether this is the right course as well! However, as it is a new school and they are seeking new students (and the director seems very amenable to helping us) I'm hoping that this will be a good fit.