Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Hothousing- did you, didn't you, will you?

Oh, I know. Ania, I was referring to your EPGY Language Arts post which I read immediately after I posted mine.

This is a very interesting topic. I guess I am guilty of "hot housing" my second child because he had to test to get into the magnet school I have my older child in and I worked with him on a variety of things to get him ready for the test. I just couldn't have my kids at 2 different schools!!! :-) But I also wonder if I could have taught him those things if he wasn't capable of learning them. Just because you work with a kid on some things doesn't mean they will understand or retain those things.

Other than that I am definitely not a "hot houser". My kids have no interest in things other than what they have an interest in. My DS9 became obsessed with airplanes and could tell you everything about how they worked and about all the different kinds, when he was 3 so I went with this interest and we read books, watched shows, etc. but that was totally driven by him. I tried to get my kids interested in more "academic" type things when they were young but they just weren't into it so I never pushed. I've always just tried to go with their interests. With my DS6 we are currently doing a Magic School Bus science kit and he is loving it!!! But again, it was his idea. He just loves those things.

One thing I struggle with is knowing when to push. If I am certain my child is capable of doing more but he isn't interested in doing more, then do I push?? I don't because I don't want the conflict from pushing when there is no interest. But, sometimes you do have to push because they do have to do things they don't always like doing. This is the part that I think is difficult. Knowing when to push and when to back off.

Sometimes we "push" to get over a hump--"this is too hard--I can't do it." when I *know* he can do it. But then after a limited period time, he is over the hump and then I stop pushing. Hothousing to me is when you never let up and never stop to reevaluate what you are doing and why.

Maybe that's the answer to my question: because I worry that I'm pushing too much and I analyze my motives for pushing, perhpas it means I'm not pushing "wrong."

It at least makes me feel better!

acs - I think you hit it on the mark. I guess that is why I don't push those things that don't have to be done (unlike homework which does have to be done) because what would be my motive??? My ultimate goal for my children is for them to be happy, well adjusted people, so why force them to do things they don't have to, don't need to, and don't want to just because I feel like they have the ability to do it. I think you're right, motive is really a lot of what it boils down to.

One last post and I am off to my laundry room...


We are past that stage here. Music helped.
When my kids were younger, I used to reward them for practicing on their violins. Any Suzuki parent out there knows what I am talking about. You are on you knees in front of your 4 year old, pretending that you love that scratching sound that is supposed to be Bach's minuet. You give them M&M or a penny for each piece they play. Thankfully practice time at that level is only about 15/20 min a day. But your kid is learning that practice is needed in order to progress. Athletes don't have a problem with this either, but when it comes to practicing academics it is suddenly a "poor child with a pushy parent".
My S hapens to be quite good at math. He likes competitions. He needs to practice in order to become better. Does he like math - yes, but practicing tediously? - he would rather play a computer game. He is old enough to know that practice is making him better, but is not mature enough yet to see a good placement in a competition as his only reward. So we reward him for practicing. Ghost does a lot of math. Two math circles - one easier, one very challenging. When the one close to our house opened, he still wanted to stick with the tough one , that is one hour away. I drive him there once a week. He works on Algebra II independently at school during math class. Assigns himslef homework. He takes a challenging class at AoPS. No reward for that, and he wants to continue.
AoPS posts weekly practice problems. And that is where bribing comes into play. We pay him $1 per problem. Sometimes he gets it after 5 minutes, sometimes he spends 20 minutes and still does not have an answer. He loves it and we love it. Yesterday he went online late into the evening. He needed $5 for a gift exchange at Boy Scouts. He pays his monthly Boy Scout dues ($10) out of that money. Currently he is saving like crazy for an I-Pod.
We do not have a problem with that approach.

Acs, I think you stated that brilliantly. There is a difference between having high expectations but honoring your child's personality and strengths and using your child as a vehicle for status.

So here is another definition of hot-housing:

If I do it, then it is 'helping the development of my kid', but if the other parent does it, then it is 'hot-housing'.

Unfortunately, I do believe that we are more often than not, in the position of the 'other parent' ...

I agree with Tammiane that it is probably due to the fact that GT children can often accomplish things that are out of the ordinary and people of ND kids are reluctant to believe that other's children are two-three sigma beyond average.

I asked my hubby and he told me that for him hot-housing starts when the child is showing sign of distress.

Ania - my son takes suzuki piano and I know EXACTLY what you are talking about! He wanted to take piano and started as a preschooler. It has taught him a lot about a discipline, and even though it comes to him very easily he still needs to practice daily to get continued results. We still use little bribes and games when we practice (he's 7 - 1st grade). But it so obvious he loves the results. When we go to anyone's house with a piano, he's usually performing with minutes (whether we'd like him to or not). It's actually an area where it's socially "ok" to show off a bit. He regularly sits down and practices his favorite songs independantly or composes or figures out songs he's heard.

We have done Suzuki violin since DS was 5. It is not an area of natural talent and there has been a lot of bribing, cajoling, and, quite honestly, screaming over the past 7 years. We chose this because DS's fine motor skills were a little behind and his musical skills pretty average. We wanted to give him both the gifts of music and of really struggling at something (before college) and I think it has really worked. Since DS turned 11, we have had much nicer practice sessions and he wants to keep going (we finally gave him the option to stop when he started middle school and finished book 3). A few weeks ago he was asked to play a the funeral of a family friend. He did a beautiful job and was so glad that he had something to offer to this family. WOW. I know, now, that he *gets* that hard work can pay off in big ways.