Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Stonewalling with a smile?

Bit long sorry...

My DS8 is in Fourth Grade (skipped first grade). I took the summer to think about best course of action etc. Spent a few meetings with curriculum coordinator/homeschool advisor and received permission to supplement/replace Language Arts with lessons designed by me but carried out independantly in class. Also he is crazy about computers and curriculum coord. said he had two very talented high schoolers needing some type of independent study and he was going to arrange for them to work with DS on learning programming (C++). I spoke with the teacher before school started and she is a very friendly sweet woman. Told me all about how her daughter did extrememly well in school but was never challenged and then hit a wall when confronted with first difficulty etc. etc. Asked me to wait a bit on the Language Arts so she could determine if DS had all the mechanics he needed to do well on the state tests. I agreed. Test results from last year came in two weeks ago and he scored 100% on the mechanics portion. I haven't approached her yet to begin my LA lessons. The reason I haven't approached her yet is that when I asked her for the class schedule to help coordinate my DS's time with that of HS student for computer work she said she put an email in to the curr. coord. because ALL the students would love to work with the high school student and maybe he can come do a class Lego Robotics program. Ummmmmmmm, yes, that would be nice except it is not at all the situation intended or discussed by myself and the curr. coord. and DS does not like Lego robotics - he wants to learn programming and while he would enjoy other students learning with him this was going to be a chance for him to move at his pace and not have to wait for the others. A big issue for him.
So my dilemna is that his teacher is this very sweet nice teacher and now I sound like a selfish pushy Mom if I insist on the things my child needs. Ugh! I would have rather she be hostile. Any advice?

Wow, it doesn't sound like a great response, but one could assume that she wants to arrange for both.
There are ways to come across as 'cross' vs. 'just not understanding' - way 'b' seems to work best for me so far. "Oh, well I thought we had discussed having a separate time as well for ds, please let me know if I misunderstood. DS is really looking forward to some time to really stretch himself in the realm of a full programming language. I am not sure the programming language within the Lego context would have the same 'Oomph' that he was looking for... please let me know~ "

Anyway, that would likely be my initial approach, in fact I've just gone through this, wanting to send my ds teacher a raging letter of 'HOW COULD YOU DO THIS???' type, but took it back down to a reminder about something I'd mentioned and curious how that was going and could we have a meeting, maybe something formal - please let me know what you think. She immediately returned with a cheerful, yes I am doing some of the things you requested, we can have a meeting, would this time work, and we can have it be fairly formal. (Precisely what I hoped for.)

I could be wrong, but asking questions in a more open minded tone and putting the ball in the teacher's court seems to work ok, maybe I have just been lucky so far.

The opportunity sounds awesome and should not be rolled over just because the teacher doesn't 'quite' get it...she will hopefully with a gentle push. And I always feel like 'time's a wasting!!' so I tend to get more anxious than I ought to about such things.

If you don't get a good response after your initial try to remind her, that is the time to get more specific, pull more people back in to talk, imo.

I maybe wrong but... maybe the teacher just doesn't realize what you really want/need & when the lego opportunity came up and she thought that would be perfect. I would approach her in a friendly way and tell her what you are thinking.

Good luck

Hi Breakaway,
I'll assume that since you 'took the summer to think' that you are a careful, thoughtful, organized kind of person. Or that asking for what you need is a hotbutton issue for you. It seems to me that you biggest challenge -right this moment- is that you are worried that you will be judged harshly. This may be because you feel like you don't have the social skills to insist nicely, or that you feel like someone might not like you asking nicely for what you son needs. Lots of us who grew up gifted are used to being told, directly and indirectly that 'you have it made, we don't have to worry about you, you shouldn't ask for anything.' You aren't alone - most of us have been right where you are.

Here's the bottom line - if you are ok within yourself that asking is what is needed, and keep asking - over and over as many times as is needed - in a way that consentrates on your child's needs, (not your own feeling of wanting reassurance, or revenge for past injustices) you will won't offend anyone - even if they don't obey.

Now lets think about the teacher. Even though she has lived through 'it' - obviously her daughter didn't suffer any long term damage (at least not that the teacher is willing to percieve - wait until that daugher becomes a parent and gives her a grandson - then you will have the teacher crawling back to you on her knees ready to appologies.) Until then, you will have to smile and repeat, repeat,repeat until you win, I mean, get what your child needs.

I know myself that some things in this world seem so obvious to me,that if a person (ok- mostly I'm talking about my DH) doesn't see those things and get as excited as I feel, that the person must actively disagree with me. This is usually not the case. As smart as DH is, he just doesn't see things that I see. After I explain, then often he will agree and take action. But I'm still mystified!

Sorry for the spelling and the sermon - hang around here for a bit, and you will see that you aren't crazy - you are being reasonable!

Smiles,
Grinity

Thanks everyone for your great suggestions and general commiseration. I am in the middle of moving this week (same school district) but I intend to address this more firmly next week. I think it is probably a combination of me feeling like I am asking for something undeserved somehow and also maybe some misunderstanding on the teacher's part. I am too willing to want to keep other people happy but this time it would be at my son's expense and not mine.