Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Hothousing- did you, didn't you, will you?

Here's another wrinkle:

I'm home schooling, as are some others here, I know. Even more people here are afterschooling. How do you make sure you're enriching and not hothousing?

Some days I feel like we're being really lazy and irresponsible about his education, while other days I feel like I have the whip out on the kid. (Not literally, of course!) So how do you tell if you're balancing?

Kriston, I've been wondering the same thing. But I think it's like this: some kids need to be pushed to try things more than others. For instance, my son is reluctant to try something that he doesn't feel he has mastered (perfectionism.) I feel that it is important for him to experience the process of not knowing how to do something, working at it even if it doesn't come easily and finally achieving mastery. This is what really builds his self-confidence.

Here's an example of what I see with him: His K class doesn't require any writing beyond single letters and one's own name. I started requiring him to write one or two sentences a day at homework time. At first, he did not want to do it and I really had to sit there and help him with every word. Now, one week later, he wants to do it by himself, comes up with his own topics for writing and says things like, "I can write pretty well on my own, can't I!"

So, for him, I see it as good parenting to insist that he work at things that he thinks are "too hard" because otherwise he would just keep avoiding those things.

When I think of hothousing, I think of people showing word and number flashcards to infants or doing other developmentally inappropriate things. If I see that my son is developmentally ready to write sentences, why shouldn't I encourage him to do that--even if the school is not?

Why is it ok for parents of ND kids to encourage their development and not for parents of GT kids? It seems like a kind of double standard... I have heard teachers complain about parents of kids who are behind not spending time working with the kids. In DS' K class, the teacher even has some parents sign a contract that they will work with their child for 15 min/day on number recognition and the parents have to turn in a sheet with the days initialed. So why is it hothousing for me to work with DS on a Singapore math workbook for 15 min/day?

Wow - Thanks for all the responses.

After reading them, I feel more strongly than ever that 'hothouse parents' is being used as a code for 'bad parent.' An easy way to attack folks who like to learn.

Like Isa, if I wasn't frightened off of 'playing with learning' with my DS when he was preschool/early elementary age, he would be more recognisable to the school as a kid who needed accomidation.

So I'm glad that we are talking about the various realities behind the lables, and figuring out what we ourselves believe.

Kids who are underchallenged are going to need a push, and it won't be all pleasant. Kids who are 2E are going to need more drill, more thoughtful help - they just do.

I really appreciate everyone's comments.
Trinity

I'm going to preface this by reminding everyone that we have a *ridiculous* group of parents and kids. Our experiences are not the norm.

I do think that "hot-housing" is a valid term. I don't mean "bad parent." It's just not the choice I'd make, and not the way I choose to raise my child -- and we obviously all do what we think is best for our kids However, I'm starting to realize we should have worked with ds more!

No, I'm not fond of hot-housing, because it can't be good for a kid -- all that play time missed! And for what? Peers "catch up" when they learn to read, add, etc., and a preschooler never gets back that time to learn through free exploration.

However, I think one difference is that for most of our kids, the learning *is* play in their eyes. Not "play is learning," because that's obviously true. But for this kind of kid, learning is often the most fun thing you could be doing. So when we teach, we're often playing -- in a way that ND children typically don't "play." A PG 4-year-old could "play" by reading Shakespeare while the child next to her is having just as much fun and learning just as much at his own rate -- playing with blocks.

When I say "hot-housing," I mean an artificial situation -- one enforced on the child, and one in which they want no part or could care less. It's more like drilling/memorizing than teaching/learning. And this isn't for home-schoolers or after-schoolers, at least not in my mind. It is, I suppose, the difference in what the parent wants to get out of it. Is the only goal that the child get into the GT program with the 95th percentile cut-off? Or is that a partial goal, and the real benefit of following a child's interests and expanding on them? *That*, I think, is key.

I can't explain it. But I know it when I see it. Can each of you think of a parent who you'd consider a "hot-houser? I know I have -- and then I've known parents who guide and help and teach rather than pull.

And I don't think you can hot-house a high IQ score. Achievement, maybe. But not IQ.

Actually, Trinity, I didn't really get this at all from the discussion. I define hothouse parents as the ones who are *using* their children's accomplishments to validate them and to accumulate status and that is not what I am doing and I don't think that's what you are doing, or, what any of us are doing.

I do think there are real hothouse parents who are grooming their kids for the best private schools from preschool on through Harvard and that the accomplishments of their kids are part of their social status goals. I know these parents and I've seen the kids and it really is not pretty. I don't blame educators who see these kids from being angry at the parents who are using their kids as a means to an end for themselves.

We know that this is not what we are doing with our kids, but until an educator knows us and our kids, I am not surprised that they might actually get confused about what is happening, because, honestly, there are probably more hothoused kids than HG+ kids in the average upper-middle class district! Because we are in a lower-middle to lower class district, there aren't many hothoused kids in public school and so I think I was spared false accusations, but I also made it a point to be known at the school as someone who helped out and cared about ALL the kids.

I remember talking to one of the teachers who had come to public school from an elite private school and she said that she left the private school because she got tired of all those pushy parents. I had worked a lot with her through the year to make sure DS's needs were met, so I asked her if she put me in that group and she just laughed at me because to her the difference was obvious. Some teachers just take more time to see the difference.

Ooh, yes, acs: status for the parents! Good point! I think that's key, too!

I'm not sure I agree with this last sentence, Mia, though I certainly agree with your larger point that it's all about the parents' intent. I do think it is entirely possible to be a home-schooling or after-schooling parent and practice hothousing, too. If anything, you have more opportunity and motivation to do it when your child relies on you for learning opportunities more than a traditional school. I know I sometimes feel like people think I'm a nut for home schooling, so I certainly feel pressure to have DS6 demonstrate success to the world at large. I don't think that's playing out in our school time--and hopefully the fact that I'm conscious of the issue means that it really isn't!--but it is on my mind.

Seriously, I worry. But we probably only do "real school" for 10-12 hours per week, tops. (Often less.) And DS6 tends to be easily distracted when faced with a challenge. (Teachers and the the psychologist who tested him have all noted this tendency in DS6. It's hard to miss!) Don't I need to push a little when his attention is wandering? They would in a traditional school setting, right? But balancing enough push and not too much is a daily dilemma for me personally.

And how do you tell the difference between a kid who likes the challenge and the one who just says he does to get your approval? Obviously I think DS6 likes what we're doing, and he's progressing quickly through the material. I check in with him often to make sure he's happy. He says he is. Heck, he's campaigning to home school again next year! But I worry nonetheless...

I'm coming to the conclusion that it's all about intent. And even that's tricky, because obviously both kinds of parents (hothousing and non-hothousing) want what's best for their kids. It's just that (IMHO...) hothousing parents are sort of missing the forest for the trees, if that makes any sense. They're thinking so much about the future that they're missing the child's present-day needs. And they're also prioritizing social status, which is their own want and isn't relevant to the child at all.

I think you're right, Trinity, that when teachers "accuse" one of us of being hothousing parents, they mean that we're pushy "stage moms." I think the assumption is that we're hurting the kids. It seems to me to be just another retread of the "When does the kid get to play?" thing, a question that's patently irrelevant to these kids, as Mia and others have already noted here.

Sounds like a lot of us think the hot-housers may be on to something ...? At least, several of us seem to be thinking we should have engaged in more "hot-house-y" standard activities, except at our own children's levels. That's an interesting thought ...

And no, younger children just have the opportunity to pick more up, through exposure. So I wouldn't call them hot-housed when they happen to learn things along with a sibling.

Yep, *that's* what I'm trying to say, Kriston. You just wrote it better and more succinctly!

Here is how I would delineate the parent categories at our school:

The obnoxious pushy parent, another pejorative term used by teachers. Since my husband and I are the only ones, that I know of, actively advocating for more challenge for our student at an already highly achieving school, I guess we�d fit the bill in the opinion of many teachers.

The hot-house parents at our school are the ones who are way overly invested in helping their children with their projects. My son recently had to work with a kid whose dad inserted himself as the third person for their project, shot down my son�s ideas, set the direction and worked on the assignment with ds and his non-assertive son. Oddly, a good number of teachers seem oblivious to this form of hot-housing.

Aside from the majority of parents, who are perfectly satisfied with the status quos (which we are for our daughter), there is also a large population of �teacher suck-up parents� at our school. These come in two forms; the generous donor parents and the constant presence in the school. The latter are usually moms and often gossip with the worst teachers, who LOVE them, but are a source of annoyance to the better teachers and many other �main-stream� parents.