Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Hothousing- did you, didn't you, will you?

Ania,

That sounds lovely.
I disagree that you hothoused. You did notice what would keep your son busy and occupied. If having a pass with crumpled newspaper would have kept him quiet while you did chores, you might have done that - you did what came naturally to you in your situation. I think hothousing can be reserved for parents who "have a plan" for the child, and a "need" for the child to be out of the ordinary. Or for parents who see that their child will have special needs, and want to be sure that the schools will be able to understand that child. I'm not really against hothousing, as long as there is enjoyment for all parties. And there are times when the need for challenge means that it won't be 100% enjoyment.

Trinity

I'm with Trinity. Introducing things to your kids and then seeing what they do isn't hothousing. Finding something to keep them busy and out of your hair isn't hothousing...in fact, it might be the opposite of hothousing! (Certainly it's smart parenting!)

Saying, "You sit down right now and practice your phonics, young lady," when the child wants to do some scribbling or work on a puzzle or play tag is hothousing. The use of flashcards ala the Rick Moranis character in the movie "Parenthood" is the clearest portrayal of hothousing I know of.

The big difference, I think, is whether the effort and interest are child-directed (with parent help and support) or parent-directed (with participation from the child stemming from his/her desire to be rewarded or loved).

It sounds to me like your kids' reading was really more child-directed, Ania. You weren't forcing cooperation, and they loved the reading itself, not just the attention they got from you when they read. Hothoused kids don't LOVE what they do. They may feel compelled to do it, but there's no love for the task itself.

There's my two-cents' worth...

Hi,

I was so against hothousing when DD was small that I think I have actually contributed to her underachievement and have failed to provide the neccessary dosage of chanllenge that DD needs.

Now we do activities after the school and I plan to teach her to read in Spanish (my mother tongue). Of course, if DD says that she rather colours or play with stickers that's fine with me, but I do offer 'academic' activities every day now.

DS will be more 'hothoused', in the same way as we do it now with DD: introduce him to learning activities and see if he is interested and picks them up. Right now is puzzels and shape sorters. He really likes them and is starting to understand how it works.

By the way, Mozart was very heavely hothoused...

And one more question to Ania: which is your mother tongue if I may ask?

This is a really good discussion. This is a huge issue where I live. My son started kindergarten last year and I'd say a 1/3 of the class could read to some degree. Well, clearly 1/3 of the class is not PG. And my son was barely reading. I really felt like a bit of a failure at the time! I didn't hot house my son at all. He was very much a "I'll do what I want to do" preschooler. It is interesting though, that my son now reads at a 5th-6th grade level, and these kids that were so ahead the first months of K are now perhaps reading more at the 2nd grade level (there are a couple that may be more gifted). It just doesn't pay to hot house a preschooler!

I did start my son in piano at 5. He was asking to start. He's still going and he is doing great. We never had early reader books in the house until he was in K (he was more interested in listening to chapter books). And he played with numbers for fun. We introduced him to mathematical concepts through him asking questions. Most recently it's square roots. My son went to a very non-academic, fun preschool. GT issues were the last thing on my mind for him. Actually, piano was the first glimpse I saw of GT in him. He cranked through repotoire twice as fast as other students with our teacher.

DD3 is actually much more interested in "academics" than my son was at 3. She actually tries to read, write, and do what DS is up to. And now she is asking to take violin lessons. I don't think I'm up for that quite yet. Maybe at 4. I feel like we're very child driven.

I feel a badly for kids who have academics shoved down their throats. They all learn it when they're ready. I want my kids to definitely be kids! Even if their not ND.

And Ania - I don't think you're a hothouser in the least!

Most 4 year olds don't demand violin lessons. Mine did. People may assume I "hot house" because they don't think 4 year olds seriously demand violin lessons.
I don't blame them for thinking that, but it's not really my problem.
It is a problem when the teacher at school thinks I am doing this hot house thing to my children.
But, after some time, they realize I'm not, because they see when the kids don't know something and then how quickly they learn it for themselves, eventually.

Take heart Mia and all others accused of hot housing. The people that are important in your child's life will "get it" eventually.
This is a good thread!

Incog

Amen, sister!

I think pressure is also key to hothousing. Are you pressuring your kids? Are you withholding something important to them (love, attention, playtime, etc.) if they don't "play ball" with you and work hard at your particular hobby-horse (to mix my metaphors...)?

If not, I don't think it's hothousing.

Oh, and I think there's a difference between hothousing and helping a kid to catch up in a subject they're behind in. Hothousing is about making your kid more impressive to others; helping a kid to work at an appropriate level for her/his ability is good parenting.

IMHO...

Yeah, again, I think that's working the system rather than hothousing, Dottie. It just doesn't have the requisite intent for hothousing, you know? Trying to get your kid seen for what he is is different than trying to TURN your kid INTO something he isn't.

I would think it would affect achievement scores to a point. Certainly there is going to come a time when a kid says "Enough!" and rebels. A lot of damage can be done over the course of those years, and it may not really show until it's bad!

A well-respected local expert who works with SENG gave a presentation about perfectionism, and I asked him if ND kids under parental pressure ever demonstrate that nutty wig-out behavior of GT kids that comes of intense frustration with not being able to match externally what they envision in their minds. (I asked to help another woman, who was wondering if her 4yo child, who was going through some intense perfectionist moments, was gifted or not.)

He said that a gifted kid who is a perfectionist usually gets frustrated and wigs out at a young age--preschool or before--whereas a kid under intense parental pressure to be perfect usually sticks with it until high school age before cracking. Until puberty, the pressured ND kids want the parental approval. But when they are ready to rebel, look out! Then they crack HARD!

YMMV by a mile, naturally, and certainly some GT kids never experience perfectionism at all. But it struck me as interesting at the time and seems germane to the conversation now...