Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Age or Ability Specific Forums Pre-school Giftedness and Behavior?

Hi everyone. I am new here so i will tell you a little about us and then ask my question!

We have a 3.5 year old son who we have always just thought of as special or different . . . moving to the beat of his own drummer. Our 5 year old daughter is very bright and hit milestones early etc. but there is something about our son, P, that has always seemed different. He walked at 9 months, talked in complete sentences before he was 1, rides his bike without training wheels before three, does math, reads simple words, writes, corrects grammar in his sibling and adults etc etc. We have people comment about him to us all the time, strangers as well as family, friends, teachers etc, that he is so smart, he is so advanced etc. We just really always blow it off. Smart seems normal I guess. (I was always in the gifted program in school but would really consider myself really smart, not necessarily gifted, but my husband was writing letters to his parents at age 7 explaining to them how he felt like Jesus because he was going to change the world but no one believed him :-). . . he is super, crazy smart . . .)

Anyway, the last several months have been very trying with P as he has been having crazy temper tantrums and just seems really stressed out at times. I am a therapist who specializes in working with children so I am really tuned in to feelings etc. and have done quite a bit of research to try to pinpoint what is going on with him. He does not fit into any of the "labels" out there. I had 3 people in one day ask me if I thought that maybe it was just hard for him to be him because he was so smart, but only 3?! So, I researched giftedness in children and literally started crying when I read a site detailing early signs as well as challenges associated with gifted children. It sounded exactly like him!

Anyway, I am not interested in having an official label, and certainly at 3.5 it would be hard to say if he is truly gifted anyway. What I am interested in is moderating his frustration (which I really think is attributable to the asynchrony in development as well as his level of high intensity, in terms of emotions etc.) and tantrums . . . have any of you experienced this behavior with your children? I have read that it is a common behavior in young, gifted children so I thought I would try to find your opinions/experiences.

Thank you so much for any info!

Hi hboy - your post brings back memories of my DS6 and issues we are dealing with still today - we saw the same thing arise in our guy when he was just about 4 years old - just bananas temper tantrums and people wanted to put him under one label or another but time and time again he never fit any of them other than just a frustrated gifted kid....when he's happy he's super happy when he is angry or frustrated - holy batman get out of his way.....we have been trying VERY hard to find a counselor who works with gifted kids to try to help him with his frustrations and OE's...I so understand your post :-)

Welcome, hboy! Unfortunately, the behavior of your DS does sound "typical" for a very gifted kid. Last year, the teachers at our DS's preschool kept asking us if he was stressed out because he would get so emotional about things.

Obviously, every person uses different techniques for moderating their emotions but these things work well in our home (for adults and kids! ):
-teach kids to learn to take a deep breath or count when frustrated(our 19 month old can do this when asked)
-true quiet time every day *noise, lights, etc seem to make our kids even more excitable. I acutally use earmuffs (like hunters and rockstars use) to help in super noisy environments like an airplane, parade, etc.
-we explain everything to our kids (note: explain/NOT negotiate) *i.e. if DS gets in trouble, we make it clear what he did wrong and exactly what the consequence is, both our kids get frustrated when they don't completely understand something
-we give ample warning before transitions *we say what will happen next and then sort of count down until it happens
-we provide ample materials to keep them stimulated and busy

Good luck!

Thanks for the responses everyone . . . I definitely did not intend to say that all gifted children have tantrums . . . all children are so different as we all know!

Take care.

I think that some kids (gifted or not) respond to frustration with tantrums.

The question is whether or not he is frustrated about something related to giftedness or is something else going on?

From observing my own kids, I would say that difficult behavior (which can include tantrums) often precedes a developmental leap. I'm not sure why...if it's frustration or just that their mental (and physical) resources are being taxed while they master something new.

I try to pay extra attention to making sure they have adequate rest and nutrition as well as cuddling and attention (but still using consistent discipline) during these times. These phases usually last a few weeks and then begin to fade.

Hmm. This could mean that one of my kids (who shall not even be identified by DS or DD) was constantly mastering something new and being constantly taxed from age ~2 months to ~ 5 years. Especially when s/he was three.

Alternatively....

Val

My husband and I have seen our DS4 go through this cycle three or four times in the past. Tantrums haven't been a huge problem, but many of our son's most obvious developmental leaps have been preceded by a phase when he had absolutely no tolerance for the slightest frustration and would cry at the drop of a hat. The first couple of times, it got to the point where we felt totally exasperated and inadequate as parents, but now we take it with a grain of salt and wonder what big leap is around the corner.

ROTFLOL

My DS9 has had very big feelings since he was little. Sometimes leading to tantrums. Often, his reactions have seemed so ridiculous.

One thought that comes to mind, when he was very little he would get very mad because the peanut butter cracker sandwich came apart and their was no way to fix it good enough for him.

Well here's some things I do to help:

Let him know you understand, don't laugh at the reaction. Also let him know this is too big of a reaction - Is something else bothering you? A sensitive child needs to feel understood.

We have a conversation time at bed time and talk about stuff that might come up during the day. Talking away from the moment can have amazing results. Try not to give advice unless they ask & don't judge. (This can be hard) Listen. Tell them if they talk about feelings, the feelings get smaller and more manageable. Ask what was the worst & best part of your day. How did recess time go today? Did you play with anyone? How did it go?

When I have a bad day I read a parenting book to try to get focused and be more understanding. I like "Children are from heaven". If we seek to understand we can be more tolerant.

I wish I could say I had this all perfected. I just keep trying to do my best. It's a constant challenge. Get outside as much as you can with the kids. That has amazing healing powers.

I wish you peace.