Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Recommend a good book on emotional OE?

It's lovely to have the intense and sensitive working without the dramas and I'm sure it will happen.

Talking of sensitive I have to share this - the last 2 days its been parent/teacher interviews at school so all the kids (about 600) have been in the hall watching a DVD (little red riding hood 3, I think he said) but of all the 600 kids, a wee bit in to the movie, mine turns to the teacher behind him and says "excuse me - this movie is way too scary for me, can I do something else please". And I guess because he asked so nicely he was allowed to go with a teacher and read a book in another classroom. I in 600 level of sensitivity but great manners! I was very proud of the way he handled it so maturely because last year at his other school they used movies way too much for my liking and they would make him sit through it even though he was in floods of tears and sitting on a teachers lap - go figure?

Like you say I think we get way more challenges in raising these kids but I wouldn't swap because life with them is also way more interesting - never a dull moment in this household!

I agree! This level of drama is relatively new (we always had some, but not to this degree), and it was so lovely before that. For instance, she was the sweetest, most wonderful toddler I knew. Of course I am biased, but I wouldn't be surprised if your experience was similar. I have long attributed it to her sensitivity. As long as we weren't putting her in a situation that she was too sensitive for, she was amazingly cooperative and helpful. That's why I've been banging my head so much lately.

Wow, what wonderful manners! It drives me nuts when they show movies like that in school/preschool. My DD is really affected by movies, but she would be far too shy to say anything to the teacher. I love how your DS asserted himself so politely! I try to teach her to assert herself, but it is definitely a work in progress. I picked her up from art class yesterday and she was the last child washing the paint off her hands. The teacher's aide was probably tired of helping them get it off, so she told my DD that she was done even though she still had some on her hands. So I told my DD she needed to wash more, and she was almost in tears because I was telling her she needed to, and the teacher [aide] told her she was done. She was able to tell me what was wrong without going into full bore tears, so I told her we could go to the restroom instead. We then had a conversation about things that teachers get to decide and things that parents get to decide.

Day 1 with instant rewards. She's loving it. Thankfully, she has had enough good behavior that we've been able to reward her quite a bit. I am seeing a difference already, so hopefully it will last! I have also been removing or limiting some of the choices that we have been giving her, and telling her clearly when decisions are only for my DH and I. She has been amazingly accepting of this change.

I really think there is a lot to the choices thing. I was talking to a friend of a GT boy who is a year and a bit older than DS and she was explaining how he is still getting himself in a twist about the simplest choices. Go to a restaurant which chair do I sit on, which cookie do I want, which drink do I want, etc etc. At school in had a major meltdown about choosing which class responsibility he wanted for the week. Likes all the jobs and worried excessively that he might be missing out on something. She agreed about reducing his range of choices and given his age they decided that he would be given a choice of only two things in some circumstances and none in others. She's really pleased that it seems to be having the desired effect and reducing his stress levels.

Like the bit about what teachers get to decide and what parents do. In our case with it's what grown ups get to decide and what DS gets to decide! Nothing wrong with his assertiveness, but it is good he can do it with good manners. In his first few weeks of the new school he went up to one of the boys mother (who doesn't speak much English)and informed her that her son was being mean to him. I had to do a bit of smoothing with that one, but as usual DS was right he is a very mean boy!

It'll be good to hear how you go on.

S.

Hi Sdrothco- I don't know if these have been suggested yet but I have been reading "Mellow Out They say if only I could" and also "Living with Intensity" and "The Highly Sensitive Child." These books are really helping me understand our dd differently, and reframe her overreactions, etc.

I too have had no success with time out strategies and have been advised that separating a child with Emotional OE can make the situation worse.

As for always wanting something new to do, this is a constant struggle in our home because what is satisfying to her is the constant learning of new things. Still working on that one! We are also doing the library thing.

We also recently switched to a point system which has worked great and gave her some more empowerment and choice while increasing our dd's responsibilities in the home.

Can you put your dd to work for you with the twins? ;-)

Spook, that is funny about your DS telling the mom that her boy was mean! Only kids can get away with that stuff. She probably needed to hear it too!

Branwen, thanks for the book recommendations. I have read "The Highly Sensitive Child", which was good but it has been a while so I could probably do with a refresher. I haven't read the others you mentioned, I will look them up at the library.

She is actually quite generous about helping out with the babies. We'll see how it is after they are more mobile and getting into more of her things, LOL. This is an area where it is so great to have a sensitive child. She just doesn't have a mean bone in her body!

Sdrothco - great news! I always enjoy good outcomes. Not sure if I mentioned this earlier - it is best to pair tangible rewards with verbal praise, hugs, highfives, or 1:1 attention, etc. Reason being - it will make fading the reward easier and hopefully lead to the development of intrinsic motivation.
On time-outs - they are most often misused. I believe you said you were not using time-out which is good. Time-out can be very effective when used in the correct situation. It should be determined if the child is engaging in inappropriate behavior to gain attn before using a time-out. A child trying to escape a demand situation who is put in time-out is being reinforced bc he escaped demand. The time-out actually serves to strengthen the child's maladaptive response. This is different from having a kid in full throttle meltdown mode take a break to calm down - as long as he doesn't escape the demand that started the meltdown in the first place. 1,2,3 Magic does use a blanket time-out, which I do not like. I've modified the approach to match my son's escape-maintained behavior and have had great results. That aside, it's still a great book. I've modified the approach to match my son's escape-maintained behavior and have had great results.
I had this problem with the Montessori preschool. The teacher would send my son to time-out everyday bc he refused to complete seatwork. As soon as seatwork was presented he would get up and go get another preferred activity (the seatwork was not appropriate for his gt abilities but that's another story). I tried to get them to keep him I'm the classroom so he would not escape work. They refused and this just led to a whole host of issues. Basically my son learned he could get out of doing things at school by engaging in inappropriate behaviors.
With our kids we always have to be on our toes. They learn and adapt so fast. Be prepared to switch up rewards, etc as what motivates today may not tomorrow. You may see a reoccurence of unpleasant behavior. If this happens - don't give up! Assess your approach and determine if you are being consistent. If you are being consistent, your approach may not be compatible with the function or root of the behavior. If this is the case, you will need to modify your approach. Be careful with this as many times parents react to a change in behavior by abandoning their approach - which many times is a mistake.
As we say in the field - catch 'em being good and praise - it's the single most important thing we can do. So often we get caught up in life's responsibilities that we provide more attn to the child who is mis-behaving than the child behaving. I know I make this mistake as a Mom.
Wishing you continued success!

My current favorite parenting approach is http://www.energyparenting.com/products/item26.cfm
All Children Flourishing: Igniting The Greatness of Our Children

During years of using this approach with challenging children I discovered that it works beautifully to foster inner strength, higher achievement, happiness, security and exemplary conduct in every child. Parents, teachers and therapists who have learned and used the Nurtured Heart Approach with difficult children have consistently reported extraordinary results when applying these methods to normal children: they described their other children as flourishing beyond anything they had ever seen or experienced before. It is not just another positive approach to parenting designed to improve behavior. Rather, it s an approach to greatness, a method of recognizing and appreciating the gifts each child possesses. This approach gives adults enormous power to help every child navigate an ever more complex world with confidence and an inner compass of greatness.

and they have a great approach to time-outs. I've even become an affiliate, so if you buy the book, tell them 'Grinity' recommended it!

This book isn't specifically aimed at gifted kids, but it seems to me that it is totally in sync with the emotional OEs that so many gifties have. Much more so than regular parenting books.

BTW - with baby twins in your house, it's amazing that you have energy left to even care! Hats off to you sdrothco! (I'm an older sister of twin boys - I remember!) It's funny that your DD is looking for mental stimulation, when there are twins in the house. Teach her how to change their diapers, burp them, etc. That should give here plenty to think about, and lots for you to compliment and recognize positives over.

Love and More Love,
Grinity

FrustratedNJMom, Thanks for the tips! I have been careful to include verbal praise and tell DD exactly why I am rewarding her, but I will be sure to mix in the other things you mention as well. Eventually we'll want to cut out the M&Ms.

We have been using time outs, but they have not been working very well for us. I do make sure that when my DD is trying to avoid something, she still always has to do it after the time out. Occasionally I have given her an option, "You can either do X now, or you can have a time out and then do it after the time out." Strangely, this actually seems to work with her. {shrug} I really try to follow through on whatever I tell her...things she needs to do, things I need to do, etc. She can't get out of things just by throwing a fit (but that doesn't stop her from trying). I'm surprised that your DS's school didn't catch on to that issue better.

You are right, I can't believe how fast they catch on and adapt and need changes. I think that is why I ran into trouble using the time outs long past the point that she needed something different.

Grinity, thanks for the link! I will go look at it. It sounds intriguing. Certainly, I want my children to flourish and be able to achieve whatever in life will make them most happy and fulfilled. I know that my parenting will make a difference in a lot of this. Its a huge responsibility, isn't it?

Thanks for the kudos. My twins just turned a year old, and we are thankfully past the utter survival mode of those first few months. We were very fortunate to be able to have a large amount of help from our parents those first crazy months. My DD loves to play with them, likes to give them their bottle, and even reads to them sometimes. I'd be terrified to have her change a diaper though...who knows where that mess would go, LOL! I love to praise her for her "big sister" skills, and she is really a fantastic big sister. Sometimes she gets overzealous, but she is very kind to them. She still needs that mental stimulation of learning new things. Its all about what's new. This is why I'm chewing my fingernails over starting Kindergarten.

Day Two, still no meltdowns. Yeah! I still need to work on my consistency, but its such a busy household it gets hard sometimes. She did come and ask me today if she could have a M&M for nicely doing something I asked her to do, LOL. I gave it to her happily. The true test will be the next two days with DH back to work after the weekend and having extra work duties this week. {fingers crossed}