Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Age or Ability Specific Forums Pre-school How do you deal with perfectionism?

Hello everyone.

How do you guys deal with perfectionism in your little ones? DD(4)seems to want to get things to be perfect. She gets easily discouraged, and in general doesn't seem to be keen on acknowledging that she is actually capable of doing things.

For example, she started to read around 2y8m, but she wouldn't let anyone (but me) see her reading until about 3, and wouldn't admit it to anyone until closer to 4, when she read at about 1-2nd grade level.

Then, she started learning the piano, but seems discouraged whenever she has to take more than 1 look at the notes. Hangs her head low, and proclaims that she cannot play. Obviously, she's yet to play in front of anyone but me, DH and her teacher.

When she does feel that she can do something she starts to rush, and not do things properly... but at that point I am afraid to correct her (though I still do, maybe I shouldn't ), because I'm afraid that it would just contribute to her thinking that she cannot...

Lately she has started to avoid things that she liked before, and doesn't seem to like school (at least she doesn't want to go, whereas before, she would run there and be very happy about it - she's finishing her 2nd year casa at a Montessori program). She seems to want to do more baby-type activities or things that are easy for her and she's sure to get 100% right.

I wish I knew how to deal with it, but unfortunately, I suffered through the same thing when I was younger and I don't think I've fully learned what to do about it myself.

Does anyone have any suggestions? Things to pay attention to? I just don't want it to get worse, as she seems to balk at any sort of activity that is at her level, and I don't want to be one of those "pushy parents", but at the same time I want her to progress and understand that it's ok to fail, she can just learn from it

I've been emphasizing DD7's attitude when she faces challenging work. If she gets frustrated but presses on, I point out how great that is and how it will help in life.

I tell her we all face problems and the most important thing she's learning is not how to do the math problem du jour(she's more verbal)but how to break problems down into smaller pieces and find similarities to other problems she already knows how to solve. This has helped her persevere.

I've also pointed out things that she used to think were hard but are now easy because she worked through her frustration. The side benefit is the more I tell all of this to her, the more I believe it for myself too.

This is something I used to a lot, but it doesn't seem to have a lasting effect

NJC,

There are a few things that have helped DS6 with this. The first, is to practice practising. What I mean by this is ask your DD to do something just for practice. When she's done, crumple it up and throw it away. When she complains tell her that she was just practicing practice. It sounds crazy but it works. Once the kid realizes that there isn't any point in doing their best work to throw away, they take the pressure off of themselves.

Even as I read it, it still makes no sense but it worked for DS. The second thing I recommend is a book called "ISH" written by Peter Reynolds? I think. It is a very short book that defines perfect as different to everyone and it's written in such a way that your DD will get the point loud and clear. We read it every night for weeks.... DS squirreled it away and read it in bed at night.

Good Luck!

a book I recommend you read is "Mindset" by Dr Carol Dweck, she adresses exactly this issue.

I recommend Freeing Our Families from Perfectionism by Thomas Greenspon.

DS6 is perfectionist. He too used to refuse trying new activities, but things have improved greatly in last year. Now we go weeks without even thinking about it. For what it's worth his perfectionism peaked a few months after starting K in Montessori. Once we started homeschooling he learned that there is such a thing as good enough and it's fine to miss a question here and there or even a few in a row!

Good luck

When my oldest DS was 4.5 he had a tantrum in class (very unusual as he has only ever had a few in his life) because he had got a sum wrong! That evening DH came home from work and explained how he had made a big mistake (fictional of course!), but never mind as he had learned from it and we all discussed how everyone gets things wrong at some point. The only downside is that DS went in to school the following day and in front of a group of other parents, loudly told the teacher how his dad had made a "HUGE mistake" at work! Fortunately I stopped caring what other people think a long time ago

On a more serious note my youngest DS (4.5) is a perfectionist and won't do anything where he can fail - he would rather not try than fail. He spoke fairly late (compared to my older DS), but spoke in sentences when he started. My husband is still a perfectionist so you can only imagine what it is like in our house...

Sorry I don't have anything more helpful than I feel your pain! There are some good book suggestions above and I think that I will look into them.

My daughter is now almost 12. She is a perfectionist with certain things. She wants to master them. I let her do it. My husband is the same way. He is almost 50. He is successful and will work to get something correctly (I mean really correctly). I can't talk them out of it and I spent time trying. I want that time back.

My daughter has interests she does not care to master. She loves nature and accepts it like it is and does not mind getting dirty - so we explore nature together. Try to find some of these interests.

I push her (and my husband) to do new things. They are both gifted and their interest usually gets the better of them.

Maybe it is not such a bad thing. I work with a lot of slackers and that is worse.

My DD6 is a perfectionist, when it comes to others.
She is constantly correcting us & her friends, but could care less if she messes up.

ok, so this is what I have at this point:

She has 2 private lessons a week (Russian and piano, the first she's been doing for almost 2 years, and the second since last August).

This past Wednesday and Thursday she behaved so that both teachers walked out. And both of these teachers like her. However, these are the only 2 classes where she actually has to work at her level (i.e. learn new things, which don't necessarily work out right away). Today, we were discussing this with her, and it came out that she "tricked" her teachers into giving her easier words and songs, and then "tricked" one into leaving (as we've decided to stop the piano lessons for now due to her behavior). She seemed pretty happy with the fact that she was responsible for it (or was she just saying that?)

So, I'm still faced with the dilemma of whether I should just let her be (she's not even 4.5, after all), or push her a little in these areas, as it appears that she's trying to get out of actual work, and prefers to do things that are very easy for her, and I just wouldn't want that to be a problem for her later.

I never thought I'd feel so confused about what I should do with a kid at this age