Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Age or Ability Specific Forums Middle School Nerds

My daughter has always been proud to be a nerd, but now it is something for which she is being bullied. She is really confused about all of this. She is proud of being a good person and now, being bad is best and most popular.

She does have a best friend (thank goodness) and is very happy with her teacher and loves her band director. The truth is that I have felt sort of bullied for being intelligent (or at least interested in intellectual pursuits) as an adult.

This is so frustrating because everything I have taught her to be is being challenged and truthfully, it is for me also.

My son differentiates between the words �geek� and �nerd�. In his view, �geek� is more socially acceptable and denotes intelligence and ability for academic pursuits that are generally considered hard. He tells me that �nerds� have similar interests, but what they lack in ability, they make up for with denial.

I don�t know how wide spread these definitions are (my daughter agrees with them), but it sounds like your daughter would be a geek rather than nerd based on these descriptions.

I think the vocabulary of the other students is too limited to have more than one term for an intelligent person.

Unfortunately, where we are the bullying for being smart is the norm, not the exception. I know a number of people who have moved their children out of district becasue of this issue
From what I have heard it is even worse in middle and high school.
As for feeling it yourself - I can unfortunately welcome you to the club. I have a master's degree in physics and have had all sorts of comments and reactions once people find that out, most of the negative ones coming since moving here.

Isn't is weird to live in a world where words, the product of a thinking mind, are used to attack a thinking mind?

She might be struggling with the underlying irrationality of it.

Many humans are not rational nor do they seek to comprehend the world around them. Nor do they succeed by open cooperation of those why come in contact with.

Instead, they seek to provoke emotional responses in others and use that emotional response to get the things they want. Verbal bullying by younger kids is part of learning how to provoke that response - but they have not necessarily learned to use it yet.

One cannot assume that others hold to the same moral precepts as oneself. But, one often does subconsciously, and this leads to blaming oneself, rather than just realizing the bully is a jerk.

She just needs to build her friends and totally diss anyone who bullies her. The cold shoulder does wonders.

I wish it were as simple as "ignore what they say--we value intelligence" and make it stick. I have one kid who carries it off well. His coach told me he loved that DS told his best friend (who is gifted) he was a dumb s--t for not being able to play golf because of grades (2.0 minimum!) His coach thought it was great peer pressure.

delbows, I think I might be a family member... definitely cut from the same cloth as your kids.

To the OP - is it possible to let/encourage your DD to be a little deviant now and then?

What I mean is maybe instead of being focussed on doing everything the correct way, she could deviate. Like drawing on her bedroom wall or drinking out of the milk jug or something like that.

My cousin's DS grew his hair long, dyed it black and slunk around like Harry Potter in middle school. He grew out of that phase, but it definitely helped him shed the uber nerd mantle that had had been weighing him down. He's the same nerd, but now he fits in. I think he's just more confident.

DH had to help one of his college students by making her promise to never, ever study on Friday nights. She went on to wear make up and even a mini skirt, I think. She's still a nerd and she's getting her PhD in biophysics, but she did graduate college feeling like a bad*ss.

I took no risks as a child. Not advisable.

I think that this can be thought about from two seperate angles -

1) How to I handle bullies? Any difference - or being too alike - can bring on this unwanted attention. One needs to learn how to handle these social situations - humor, grouping underdogs together, body language, whatever. So on one hand I would totally ignore the content of the bullying as a 'pretext.'

2) How can i get more validation into my families lives for their real selves. For this I would reccomend a serious campagne to do activities that your family might enjoy and met like-minded people. Anything from Reptile Clubs, Chess clubs, art museam talks, to 'classic Nerd heritage' activities like Dongeon and Dragon groups, Magic the Gathering Card game, or groups that meet to play German Table Games. At our house I am always on the lookout for activities that might put us into contact with others who we might enjoy. If you aren't in the mood, watch the movie/musical 'Hello Dolly' http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hello%2C_Dolly%21_%28musical%29
Just remember that finding friends is a lot like falling in love...

Love and More Love,
Grinity

Thanks everyone. I am working on this, but getting clubs started at school is difficult. I am working on clubs and activities for the region now. I emailed DI, which, in my humble opinion, is the best for gifted kids because it is so open ended and has so many pieces to it. Anyway, they will let us have a regional group.

Last night, I took two of my students out to get pizza with my daughter and one of her friends. (Our event had been cancelled and I wanted them to have fun.) These two students are lost in an even smaller school. They really enjoyed one another and were discussing Shakespeare and favorite math websites and all kinds of "nerdly" fun topics. They were in their element. I truly enjoyed myself watching them have fun.

Wouldn't it be great if the mindset from elementary school would carry over to the higher grades? I'm not looking forward to the time when it's not cool for DS to be as smart as the other kids think he is. I love the attitudes shown by things classmates in 1-2 grade used to say to DS "Wow, you're smart!", "You know all the answers". It was cool to be 'smart'. Even now, sometimes I hear his friends say "that's cool you get to go to gifted". If only those attitudes would carry over, that doing well in school is not a bad thing and being smart can be cool, too.

Keeping DS grounded while everyone is stroking the ego - that's another issue, LOL!