Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Lack of Attention, Tantrums...What's "normal"?

DS6 has been known to have what we refer to as
"grandaddy tantrums". At 6 they have gotten much better but he still has them on occasion. He seems to just overload at times. Like you, I send him to his bed until he can pull it back together. They were really bad from 2-4 yo. Have you looked at anything regarding OE's? (overexcitabilities) I'm told that these amazing tantrums come from being over emotional which it sounds like yours is too. There is a lot of info on the web about it and it's fairly common for GT kids.

Sometimes a tight (but not painful) "hug" can help a child to get control when they've lost it. This worked like a charm on one child and made the second one madder, so we were 50/50 with it.

The one it worked on would actually come to me (even before age 2 or 3!) and *ask* for a time-out when he felt himself getting frustrated, and he is to this day definitely my kid who deals better with frustration. The other one is now more OE and seems to find a greater need to express his OEs, so holding him just makes him more frustrated. At least that's how it looks.

So the "hug" may not work, but it seems worth a try. At least it's a different approach, right? And after all, one definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome...

His step dad did try the "hug" with him for a while but it only made him more mad and prolonged the fits.

It's so sad to see him so frustrated.

I have looked a little at OEs but need to do more reading about it. From the little that I have read it does sound a lot like him.

We've had similar experience with DD6 as Shari has had with her son. Years 2-4 were awful (we carried her out of stores kicking and screaming more than once), but within the past few months we have actually seen her trying hard to control herself before a complete breakdown. She says it gets too hard sometimes not to "lose it", but she is trying.
After reading about OEs we have learned some great coping techniques which really rely on letting her know that we understand her frustration/anger/sadness/etc, but that we can't help her unless she calms down and talks to us. It is pretty tough for DH and I to keep calm as we say this, but if there is even a hint of exasperation in our voices, or if we give her a look, or give one to each other, she takes the breakdown to the next level! It is all about continually reaffirming that their feelings are ok, and "normal" for them to have, but that we all need to work on better ways to deal with them.
Our lives have been so much more peaceful since we discovered that she wasn't a crazy kid, or that we weren't bad parents, but that she has OEs. It has also helped that we explained this to her teachers, they now look out for signs of a meltdown. (she usually bottles up her school frustrations and lets them all explode at home.)

One thing that has worked for DS4, my OE tantrum-y kid, now that he's 4 and able to use his words more effectively is to train him in that direction.

My big secret weapon is to ask him to rate his feelings on a scale from 1-5, where 1 is "fine" and 5 is "Oh! Woe! I will die of a shattered heart any moment now!" (Laying it on thick helps, I think, so that he understood that 5s are rare to nonexistent. Our cat had died not long before I started trying this, and so I used that as about a 4...)

Then ask him to rate the significance of the actual triggering event on the same scale, taking into account harm done, reversibility/ease of correcting the problem, duration, and so on. Losing an arm is a 5, a wrinkled sock is a 1.

Then I ask him to compare his response to the event itself and decide if his response is merited.

This approach does 2 things (at least!): 1) it tosses him right out of *feeling everything SOOOOO deeply* mode and into analysis and thought, and 2) it allows him to see for himself what the rest of the world sees--the disconnect between the trigger and his emotion.

Before I tried this with my 4yo, he threw a fit over his shoes and socks every single bloomin' day! It was maddening! Tears, screaming, and my patience was at an end!

Within a week of doing this 1-5 trick, he had stopped crying over his shoes and socks entirely. It was like magic! He even smiled and asked for help when something was bothering him. The angels sang, it was so miraculous!!!

My only regret is that I didn't start doing this sooner. He's so much more self-controlled.

And as a final thought, my kids both melt down when hungry or tired. During a growth spurt, they get hungry a lot more often than I expect them to. I find that tantrums are greatly minimized by keeping blood sugar up. I have read on another GT forum--with no evidence whatsoever to back this up, so it may be hooey!--that GT kids tend to be more sensitive to low blood sugar, and that brain work makes people hungrier than exercise. If any of that is true, then the answer may be as simple as a healthy snack containing some protein and whole grains before a meltdown...

Feel free to ignore, but that's the stuff that comes to mind!

I think that I need to work harder at keeping my frustration out of my voice when he gets one. I do know that it's very hard for him to control them but at the same time they're so exhausting that even before he's having a full blown one I'm stressed out and I'm sure that he can tell.

I talked to him yesterday about using his words better. I think I'm going to try the scale thing with him and I'll tell him about it tonight. I'm willing to try anything to help him.

I read about the blood sugar too! I have been keeping a food log for DS and have noticed that if he has anything sugary for breakfast (a Poptart or cereal) then around 10 or so he has a meltdown at school. I've started giving him sausage biscuits, bagels and things like that and his school behavior has gotten better -- still not great but better. After doing the food log I was pretty convinced that the food that he was eating did have an influence on his behavior.

Now if I can just find a food that will make him focus!

I definitely try to keep some protein in our 4 year old. She has much bigger mood swings if she is just eating carbs. Cheese, yogurt, nut butters, milk, nuts, sandwich meat, boiled eggs are all good easy proteins that work well for her. My 4 year old is very dramatic and emotional (chock full of OEs), so I feel your pain! The food thing does help a bit though!

We also encourage "using your words" and speaking without whining. I won't talk to her or help her until she can pull herself together enough to talk at least somewhat rationally. Sometimes that involves just saying "Come see me when you're ready to talk" and walking away.

nice selection of proteins. we also add the SMASH fish. mostly sardine and salmon.

info on fatty acids, omegas, etc. http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20081230133338AAwrnXP
http://www.homeschoolmath.net/teaching/fats-intelligence.php
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/4/t041600.asp