Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy 13 yrs of denial...Is it too late???

Wow. I was almost afraid to open up my post again. Thank you, everyone, for all your encouragement and compassion. I am feeling the love...

I feel better having gotten it all out there. It is hard not to look back, but that won't help my DD. I am pouring over all the information on this site and on Hoagies. I still may not get it right, but I am trying:-)

Kaitlyn'sMom- I guess they were trying to suggest ADHD in early elementary. But it didn't ring true to us. Our pediatrician dismissed the idea out of hand when we brought it up, so we just decided it was part of the mass over-diagnosis of AD/HD we heard so much about. We really attributed her behavior to too much energy and innate ornery-ness!

As far as her social issues go, it is still a concern. She doesn't have a best friend although she is friendly with all the kids in school. She is close to her cousin, age 11, and they instant message all the time and have sleepovers once in a while. She hasn't been in one class long enough to make lasting friendships. I am hoping she will find that special friend in highschool so we really want to find the right place for next year, a place where she can spend 4 full years with the same kids. We live in a very rural area- no neighbors to play with.

I think the conflict resolution rubric they use at her school has really helped her get along better- maybe she just needed to be formally taught what most kids know instinctively? The teachers like her and, while she still visits the Principal occasionally, it is for relatively mild stuff- incomplete homework, caught listening to an ipod or pushing the dress code to extemely, er, creative places.

I will look closely at SI. That might explain a lot. Most worrisome, she seems to be having more of a problem with social anxiety. Forgive this long example:

She had a meltdown on her birthday this month over going to a restaurant with three friends who were at our house. First she wanted to go, then she didn't, then she wasn't sure where, then she got really angry and said she didn't care. DH said okay, then let's just go to get pizza. Then she started to cry. We offered to get take out, and she got really angry. By this time her friends were looking at her like she was a nut. I sent the other kids to wait in the car so I could talk to DD. She started hyperventilating. I tried to calm her down...eventually we all got to the restaurant. But it was crowded and DD got upset again, "I didn't think there would be people here!" Huh? We ended up back at home with take out from Subway. Happy Birthday. And she wouldn't go into the movie theater last weekend because there were too many teenagers around. (PLEASE, Mom, let's just GO! There are too many people. Please, I am begging you, just take me home!) It seems like more than just teen angst. Could these be a sort of panic attack? She will have some weirdness like that about once every week or two. The rest of the time she is okay. It seems to happen more often when she is hungry...

A few episodes like that in the dorm will not be good for her social life. In every other way she seems mature enough for boarding school. Physically she looks 15...very tall and wearing a size 11 shoe! She really wants to go. We have not told the potential school about the ADHD. She hasn't needed special accomodations in the past, but may in the future as the challenge increases. Also, we have been compensating for some of her executive function deficiencies, especially in regards to time management and organization. I guess the school will have to be on board with these issues.

I am assuming that giftedness won't be as much of an issue at a prep school...all the kids will be pretty smart. Do we even need to talk about giftedness with the school? I don't want to turn them off by acting like a parent that thinks their child is soooo special. We are considering The Cambridge School of Weston in Weston, MA if anyone has any experience with that school...

Yikes. I did it again. Another looong post. Thank you so much for giving me a place here on this board. You don't know how much you have helped me already. It means so much to be able to talk about all this.

Lisa

Wow ... your examples of your DD sounds so much like my best friend's daughter. They diagnosed her with ADHD but my BF was not convinced because she could focus. She was the one that came across SI and took this to the doctors and they agreed this was her problem. My BF still has problems getting her daughter into school. This past week she went a total of once for the whole week. She has panic attacks and yes this is what it sounds like your DD is having. She also goes through depression. (My BF DD is 15)

I really don't know enough about the testing she received and I am no expert but it really sounds like you have a highly gifted child on your hands. I say this in regards to your comment about prep school and giftedness being a nonissue or so you hope. Even gifted schools there is a difference between Moderately gifted and highly gifted. The best advice I can give is do a lot of reading. 'Genius Denied' is a great book and I am sure if you go to Amazon.com and do a search for gifted, highly gifted and teenagers you will come up with a ton of books. I am also sure others on the board can give you some suggestions. But I really want you to look at highly gifted children in general and you might just see a carbon copy of your child and with this maybe some reassurance and guidance.

As long as your daughter is having anxiety issues, I'd forgo boarding school. She would be without her safety net (you and DH). Right now, you're there to help her deal with the problem. Talk to her about it, ask her to try to define what starts an "episode". Let her know that you need to figure it out before you're willing to send her off on her own. It does sound like SI could be the culprit, but i've only dealt with it in babies/toddlers.

Hi Lisa. Welcome - this is truly a place where you can feel the love!

I can relate to your thoughts of "is it too late" - BTDT in many situations. I'm a classic "over thinker" and often can't let go of mistakes and ponder the what if's forever! Here's my advice, based on things I've learned and wise words from friends and advisors:

Let it go. Assuming the absence of any gross pathology in our psyche, we do the best we can with what we've got at the time. Then, when we get new information we just need to assimilate that into our own wisdom and move forward, making different choices based on the new information. As long as we are evolving as human beings then we are on the right road.

So, forgive yourself and move on. You did a wonderful job in the past! What a great opportunity for your uniquely spirited child - little formal schooling, travel abroad, support and love from her parents, opportunity to be who she is without judgement. Wonderful gifts from her parents!

Your daughter is the exact same person she was BEFORE you had her tested. She is who she is no matter what diagnosis people have given her. Use those labels with caution and only to help understand her needs.

Regarding her intensities, definitely look into sensory processing needs - Living Sensationally by Winnie Dunn is a great book that explains the continuum of sensory processing without pathologizing it. The book Too Loud, Too Bright, Too Fast, Too Tight by Sharon Heller is great for understanding sensory sensitivities and what to do about them. It's important to understand that "sensory integration" is a normal neurological process. It occurs on a continuum and no one has "perfect sensory integration." There is a "disorder" when the ability to efficiently and effectively process sensory information interferes with functional performance during daily activities. Many people have varying sensory needs that are unique or intense. That doesn't necessarily mean there is a sensory integration disorder.

My son (8 years old) also has great difficulty making decisions. I think his issues are related to "over thinking" and anxiety. He could easily have been the person you were discussing in the example about going out for a birthday dinner. We have found that limiting his choices and downplaying the importance of the choices is best. We've also taken time during non-decision making moments to discuss the process. I've tried to help him understand how you can change your decisions and the difference between seriousness of decisions (like ones where someone could get hurt versus thinking of others), etc. Perhaps some work on your daughter's anxiety would be helpful.

And letting her move forward in her education following her dreams and desires is a terrific idea. You have new information to guide those choices and it sounds like you are doing a great job integrating the new information and making different choices than you might have made a couple of years ago. Bravo!!!

Hello Philosurfer,
Our son, now 27, had a lot of the same behavior: meltdowns, social anxiety, strong willed outbursts, hypersensitivity, loud talking, and severe underachievement. I know exactly how it feels to blame ourselves. You and your husband did your hardest to try to cope and do the right things. Is there OCD in the picture? There was with our son. (anxiety, phobias, obsessions, ruminations) Perhaps you can find a good therapist who specializes in these type of behaviors and understands high IQ people. Ritalin was a big factor in saving his life. He went from socially annoying to socially considerate of others. His grades went from F's, D's and C's, to A's and B's. Ritalin helped him reach his full potential and he was happier on it. He's now a Ph.d student and doing fine though OCD sometimes flares up.He manages without Ritalin. It is only my opinion, but I believe the risk of not using a med is that they'll latch onto the wrong crowd because their self-esteem is low and they need to fit in somewhere and those crowds will accept them. Getting attention from boys is an easy feat that falsely builds self-esteem. It's an easy standby. The more she feels achievements, the less she'll need attention from boys. Proper med. helps them build study and social skills, repairing self-esteem. My heart goes out to you. We, too, experienced years of upheaval. No one understands the suffering we go through with these types of kids unless they've been through it themselves. Hope you will let us know how she's faring. Please stop blaming yourselves. I'd suggest you find parents who've dealt with any prep school, who can give you personal testimonies of how they've helped their kids. Hopefully, the attention, nurturing, and supervision in the school will be flawless. Blessings!

SI is proving to be very interesting...thanks for pointing me in this direction. It seems the 'what I don't know' list is growing faster than what I'm learning...but that's okay- I am a fast reader! DD has always been a hasty decider, much to my dismay. I like to consider EVERY possibilty before I decide (not very efficient, I know.) I now understand why so many of her meltdowns come from me questioning her decisions and throwing so many other possibilities at her ("But did you consider this? Okay, but what if...? Y'know this one has X, but the other has Y... What about Z?") I think I'm being helpful, but she is getting overwhelmed to the point of being immobilized. And, of course, I'm interpreting it as DD never wanting to take advice or do the research, or just being stubborn and difficult. Doh!

The fact that she gets angry when she is hurt, frustrated or injured makes it harder to help her. If she cried and wanted consolation, I could just give her a big hug. But she gets angry and I get upset and it all starts to escalate into a "scene." Boy, I guess I can go back and re-interpret everything now. Ugh.

Well, DD and I are taking a mother-daughter vacation to the beach this week. I guess we have lots to talk about...

Lisa ... don't get overwhelmed with it all. Take small steps. And if you feel that her issues stem from SI rather then ADHD my question is has she been tagged with the diagnoses of ADHD? If so, is she on meds? You might want to take the information to the doctors and see what they say. She might very well have ADHD but if through reading on SI it sounds more like your daughter and things are making sense definitely take it in and see how they can help. My friend's daughter still sees a therapist. She is not 'cured' by any stretch but with the diagnose everyone is on the same page now and they are working towards helping her deal with her anxieties and outbursts. It takes time ... simple things such as bringing down empty cans from her room is still a big ordeal. She will argue and bargain on every tiny thing. She was also having some separation anxiety when it came to her mother and this tied to her mother who was a single mother her entire life getting married. She went from being the center of her mother's life to sharing that time and even though she adores her new father she couldn't get past that.

But I do agree with others' comments about boarding school. Your daughter might really think she absolutely wants this but sometimes things will escalate when they are not in their known environment and that really means around you. Have you considered doing a long art program in the summer months to see how she does with that? If she blossoms then she is ready to be away.

Lisa,

I have an older child DS7 who has very similar issues with crowded places and sensory overload. He also has the lack of friends. Have you thought about PDD? You have a lot of the SI issues, adding social cue problems. DS7 is gifted, and he does have imaginative play, so he is in no way a classic autistic, but he does have meltdowns when under stress and feeling overstimulated.

I would definitely look at the school and how they treat giftedness. Some schools that have wonderful reputations end up being bad fit because of their teaching philosophies. If they pride themselves on how disciplined they are, but you see no evidence of programs to help children achieve the discipline they expect, I would reconsider. Many gifted children have issues with school authoritarian mindsets and they do much worse.

Of course, if your child is PDD, a lot of structure may be exactly what she needs (quiet classrooms, rules that are consistent, etc). The biggest issues PDD children experience are with transitions. Things like changes in schedule (Mondays we usually do X, but this Monday we're doing Y), even if the changes are to allow them to do fun things, could cause meltdowns. Finally, just going to boarding school could stress her out because it is another big change, even if she chose it. She could eventually adapt, but the first year would be very difficult for everyone.

Just looked at the Cambridge school's website which, on the face of it, looks like a gifted kid's dream!

have you gone to visit and gotten a sense of how much alone time she'll be able to have. It is often difficult getting away from the group in those environments.

Ok , so unless you can find a bording school that lets you pay by the month, or money is absolutely no object at your house, I reccomend bording school as something to build toward...not something to do next September. Oh I wish there was a test to take for maturity, but my DS would score all over the map, and like the IQ test, an averaged score really doesn't tell us what we want to know...

Perhaps the CTY experience could be part of that 'muscle building' experience toward 'sleep-away school'?

I wish that you had a great school within driving distance that you could try as a day student first...but I really love the idea of homeschooling for a year before she goes away. What's the hurry? Many kids her age take classes at their local community college to get used to the demands of 'book learning' and she may be able to test into some very high level classes.

((Humor Alert)) - be careful what you wish for in the 'do-over' department, you may find yourself raising a grandchild before you know it...I was bored at school and without the consentration/study skills to take the academics to the next level, plus emotionally intense, plus a bit behind socially, so I 'studied' dating and boys as a fun way to learn about people. I've worked really really hard to be sure that my 'willful' DS12/8th grade was the academic challenge so that he can chanel at least some of his intensity into academics. He's looking forward to CTY for the first time this summer, more for the kids than for the school. He met some CTY kids at SPLASH last November and they were playing with weird Yo-Yos and very friendly to my son.

BTW - also look up 'OverExcitabilities' on your list of things to learn about. You and I both have them, our kids have different ones, but they affect them also.

Please hang out more here, and write us these lovely long posts (you do have a gift for it) - I'm really curious what your and your DH's relationship with 'achievement' and 'the Man' etc has been. Is college an 'of course' in your family? I'd also love to hear your thinking process about the medication issue, and how that goes. I suspect that your little sweetie needs tons of time and tons of real life experience, and she's got the time....

Love and More Love,
Grinity