Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Hindsight......random thoughts

There isn't a parent on here that doesn't worry that they're not doing everthing right. Don't let the "typed persona" fool you. How can you know? You just have to make the best decision you can everyday and move on. The key to these kids IMO, is flexibility. Having a willingness to change whenever you need to. That and a sense of humor!!

shellymos,

What a lovely post and I hope it helps master of none with her demons of self doubt in the parenting department. The funny/strange thing is I read these posts on this board and I have not drawn that conclusion of "parents who instinctively know how to nurture exceptional talent- like many of the parents on this board." It comforts me to know I am not the only one and we all ask questions and have such different opinions. I don't think there is a single parent on here that feels they have all the answers (I could be wrong) and I hope master comes to realize this and know that we are all stumbling through this some further along but still hoping that the last decision was the right decision.

And as far as your preschool choice I have to admit that has been my opinion on DD and why I chose a playbased school. I have also told my DH that we will go into it openly and if in the first few months we see it isn't a right fit then we will move on. Now I am really curious on what happened with your DS that he was kicked out in a month. If that is too bold and you don't want to share I totally understand but I want to go in with eyes open in know what signs I should be looking for so if she needs to go to a school more in line with Montessori I will be able to make the decision quickly.

Thanks! Obviously every single pre-school is different, but I will share our experience. We put DS4 in pre-k in the fall. We had planned to put him in Montessori but it fell through as the program changed and didn't have a class for his age. So we scrambled and found a playbased program. It had a trampoline, air hockey etc. They had 4-5 year olds as some of the kids came there before going to K in the afternoon. It was fairly unstructured and there was really almost nothing academic or learning related to do, other than some computers. He was supposed to be there daily until 12:30pm. They had no behavior management system in place because "kids have so much fun they don't misbehave" warning...never believe that. I didn't believe it but I thought it might work. So he did great the first week, then he had some behaviors here and there and they never told me about it. I kept trying to get in to meet with them to come up with a plan but they said he was fine and it wasn't necessary. Then one day (after he had been there a total of about 3 1/2 weeks) they left a message on my voicemail saying he couldn't come back. That he would probably need a program where he had a 1:1 aide through special education, even though he was bright.
Then after tears and heartache we regrouped and started him in another program, 3 days a week for a couple hours. He was there 3 months and didn't have behavior issues. They had a behavior management system in place and he followed it. He did act out a little, but they felt it was because they struggled to challenge him and they felt they couldn't keep up with him and that he really didn't relate to the other children. He still played with them and did well socially, and seemed to enjoy going to school...but it seemed like he needed more. We are glad we put him there in some ways because it was a good confidence booster for us and him. They felt he was an amazing child and really missed him when he left. Then we started a montessori program and he has been there 3 months so far and it is wonderful. He has no behaviors there at all. They do say that it is difficult to challenge him still, but it seems they are able to. We recently had him tested and now see that he is a PG child, which explains a lot and makes more sense. We thought he was but didn't realize the extent of it. We now know that when he is not challenged at all, he tends to act out.

So that is our story...even though it is probably longer than you wanted. : ) I have heard that some play-based programs work good for kids though. His second program was fairly play-based, but more structured and it worked okay. It's all about the fit for the child because they are all so different.

Not shellymos but we had an almost kicked out of preschool experience with DS6 (then 4). If I hadn't have pulled him out I think he would have been kicked out.

He is very high energy and highly verbal. He didn't accept the rules from the adults unless there was a solid explanation for them. They told him that 4 year olds don't read. They told him to sit and be quiet all the time. They gave time outs excessively. DS6 eventually started to lash back. He hit the teachers. He talked back at the teachers (lots of "I hate yous", "I'm going to kill you", "I'm going to poop on you")He said whatever he could to make an impact. He enjoyed sitting at the director's desk of the daycare/preschool. He told me that at least he didn't have to sit in the classroom anymore and constantly get into trouble.

Academically they did not offer any challenge and I knew that they would not since it was a play based preschool. They would not allow early entry to their private K program. They only follow district policy.

DS6, even now, is a little more physical than most kids. A simple game of tag usually can turn into full contact football. The teachers could never find a way to curb his behavior besides repeated time outs and see above to see how those worked out.

The signs I saw in DS6 that made me get him tested was that his behavior at home was no where near the reported behavior at school. DS6 also had frequent angry outbursts when I asked him about school. My only regret is that I waited almost 8 months to get him tested before pulling him out of that situation. I honestly was in gifted denial and thought that DS6 was just one of those "bad" kids.

We also ended up in Montessori after I pulled him out. This was a great fit for DS6, but only temporarily. DS6 does not like repetition, at all. A lot of Montessori is repetition. You need to complete certain activities a certain number of times in a particular order to move on. DS6 did rebel against some of these processes even though the teachers were willing to work with him. DS6 did not stay there for K since it was only a 3-6 year old school and he had outgrown the materials within 7 months of starting there.

In hindsight I had wished I kept him there this year because even if he did not learn anything he would probably be having much more fun than in his current Public School K/1st grade situation.

Every decision I make for DS6 has been a tough one. I am now realizing that I can't regret them because I would constantly live in regret. Parenting PG kids is tough. I love Shari's advice of having a sense of humor.

Crisc, My DS only last at Montessori for a week! He went through everything in the classroom and said "now what?" They tried to get him to do the same things again, with small variations... Just like yours, repitition is a dirty word for my DS. At the end of the week the Director told me she just didn't think it would work out. They could have moved him up to the older class but they had very strict rules about that which I found very odd since in Montessori a child is supposed to be able to progress as needed.

Wow, where do I start. First thank you for sharing your stories and I have to say eye opening as I read them.

Shellymos - I had a little sigh of relief that the school we signed up for is not exactly like what you described. She will be going to a church based play-based preschool where they do have curriculum under the Wee learn curriculum. Not that this means anything to DD since I looked at the curriculum and she is beyond all of their curriculum all the way through the pre-K classes. BUT (here is what I am hoping) the way in which they claim to teach is more projects which includes a lot of art projects and I think this will be right up DD's alley since she will sit for hours doing art projects at home. Even if they have criteria wrapped around it such as the letter of the week I am hoping the fact that they are doing it in a project DD will be excited about it. They also have structure built in and it isn't a free for all so I hope this is a benefit. I know for a fact that DD and timeouts only work when used sparingly. We hardly ever use them with her and instead talk about the issue and give her options. She might get a timeout once a month at this point. So I am sure if she is put into that situation it won't come out well for her. (BIG SIGH)

Then I read on to Crisc post and now I really start worrying because what you describe sounds more like what we signed up for but like I said, I have no illusions that everything would be perfect. I might have before really starting to understand gifted children but not anymore. So of course I doubt our choice but we will soon find out if it is a right choice. And in keeping with this thread of hindsight and knowing about gifted: The fact that I understand gifted it does empower me in that I wouldn't hesitate to pull her out if it looks like the program is not working out. Before knowing about gifted, who knows how I would have responded... probably thinking it falls under bad kid issues and not that it wasn't a good fit. If that makes sense.

And in regards to Montessori schools I have located one here that really interests me in that it is a French Immersion Montessori school. So if the preschool doesn't work out I will be looking into that one. I have also been looking into foreign language programs for summer time but around here they don't start until they are 3 yr old so something I will look into next summer.

And Shari ... The moving up to the older class issue is one I have heard repeatedly in our area and still scratch my head about. There are a lot of Montessori schools around here and not all do that but a number of my friends have had issues with this. So it sounds like you did the right thing for your son.

That does not sound like the Montessori I attended.

We did the daycare/montessori open house tour when Mr W was a year old.

Mr W's visit went like this - play in age peer room for 5 minutes, go to next room (18-24mo) and do a puzzle, go to next room( 24-36 mo), pullout a chair and look at a book.

Only once place noticed what he was doing. "Wow, he'll fit in well here."

They said they had milestones and once he made them, he'd move to the next room and that "some kids move 1 month early."

When we looked at their milestones, Mr W had all but one of the 24 mos milestones, but do you really think they'd advance him in with the 2+ year olds?

When we asked about naps, they said that they had 2 x 1 hour naps each day. We indicated Mr W did not nap but maybe 15 min, but they said they'd "work" with him.

Like we don't. Any attempt to "work" with him on naps and not let him play will turn him into a screaming banshee.

It was pretty clear that they'd never been around a kid like him.

It had all the ingredients for a big mess. So, he stays at home.

I've felt this way before and sometimes, just when I think I've got the hang of things with DS, he changes it up a bit and I start all over. I've read so many books on so many different topics trying to figure out how to be the best parent to DS and figure out how to help him be the happy, healthy, well-adjusted kid we all want for our kids. I think we all do that.

Nobody will love your kid the way you do - able to nurture exceptional talent or not.

Katelyn's mom,
No worries, it sounds like a good setup. DS4 did well in his pre-k program before this montessori program too. They had a set-up where they played in a big gym and jumped around, then had a type of circle time, centers. The also had music and movement and sign language. They still had a letter of the week and on Fridays they would bring in something that started with that letter. He still enjoyed that, even if he knew his letters forwards, backwards and in spanish...and can read. Sometimes even though they know things it's still fun for them. And another thing I have noticed, I often don't hear stories about gifted girls acting out at schools, especially in pre-k. In fact, I have never heard a story of this. (If anyone has a story, feel free to share).

Montessori is a good fit for some, but not everyone. I really thought it was made for DS, but I was afraid that he would act out since they don't have a behavior management system there, but so far so good. Not one behavior issue and it's been months. I don't know if they can challenge him in every area, but I think they are doing a decent job trying at least. Plus he comes home with more cultural information and information about different areas and not just math...which is what he is usually hyper-focused on.

Austin - LOL about "working with him" for naps. I wonder what that would look like. I could never have started DS in a program before this year. I did try it at 3 and he was in a program for 4 months (just 4 hrs a week). It was an awful fit...he could barely talk with the kids because they barely talked. He didn't understand why they weren't speaking english...in retrospect it is quite funny. At the time it wasn't. Time heals all wounds, well most of them.

Great question and one I ponder. From my understanding it isn't that girls really act out but they try to fit in which is a real concern for me. I have already noticed that DD dummies herself down when around other kids her age. It took her forever to feel comfortable in public. Before she was the quiet one that you would have no clue about her abilities. Now she does talk but not near the level she is capable of unless excited about something. I have noticed recently that she is coming more out of her shell. So my big concern is the more time she spends with kids her own age she will adjust herself to be more 'normal' and fit in. I have heard of kids regressing when they get into programs like this and when I say we will have to monitor her I am basically talking about the above more so than behavioral problems.