Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Need help with defiant child

We have a child with a similar 'defiant' streak.
Here's what I think:
Some kids are 'naturally' more defiant, and earlier defiant than others.
Some kids are being asked to spend time in ways that are SO developmentally innapropriate for their 'mental age' that they would need an amazingly advanced 'emotional age' to behave well through it.

I think that my son was 'both.'

Did your psychologist give you any indication of 'what level of gifted' your child is? I'm asking because if your child is 'top 5 or 10 %' kind of gifted, then yes, some modifications to the class room will likely help, but if your child is at or even near the Davidson YSP cut-off, you are dealing with a 'horse of a different color.' Ask your psychologist how often they see scores like your child's scores in your school district. It really doesn't matter how far your child is from a national norm, only how far they are from the norms of the adults that they will be interacting with.

Interesting question: Does your son respect YOUR athority? If he does, then I would quickly pull him from his current situation, if at all possible. Some kids (especially boys) totally 'resent' being treated 'like babies.' They don't have enough life experience to realize that what they percieve as highly insulting is 'just right' for the rest of his age mates. Being in a poor fit educational setting can be shamming for children with certian personalities.

Now, how are your going to wrap your mind around the child you were given?

I like to re-read some of my favorite books to remind myself that there is a variety of approaches to life, and books like 'Ender's Game' 'A Wrinkle in Time' and 'Atlas Shrugged' and shows like 'Star Trek' when it's dealing with 'Superhumans' as played by Richardo Monabon, or the TV show 'Andromeda' where Kevin Sorbo has to deal with genetically enhanced guys with giant egos to match, are a great consolation to me.

Around age 6 we gave our child a handheld computer game, so that we would have something to 'take away' from him when he acted up. I don't reccomend this, as what was needed was to change things at school instead of trying to change him, and the computer stimulation didn't help matters. Weirdly, threatening to take away just '5 minutes' of his daily allotted half hour would get compliance, for a few years, but he bitterly resented it. Now we try to work mostly with internal motivation and routines for sleeping, eating and excercise.

Good Luck - remember that you may not be able to change who he is, only to knock off the rough edges - youself you have much more control over....

Love and More Love,
Grinity

We too have had issues with defiance with DS6. The one thing that has worked for us is telling him how his actions make others feel. If he refuses to do work because it's too easy, how do the other kids feel that are working so hard. When he is defiant at home we talk about how it makes me feel. Looking at it from another's perspective has helped us tremendously.