Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Bully at school... what would you do?

Amidst all the other trouble we are having, DS11 came home friday and said another boy in his class has been shoving him on the playground. Last year, around this time, DS got a 1 day suspension after he shoved this same boy after repeated verbal taunts. ( Both boys rec'd the suspension ).
DS was devastated.
Now he states that his only options are
1. Shoving back, which would get him another suspension.
( Which we are not advocating, just putting it out there).

2. Telling, which is an 11 year old boy's worst nightmare, and he says he would get teased relentlessly.

3. Nothing, and keep getting shoved.

I have talked to the principal. She stated that DS should be letting an adult know and that all of the students know it is not OK to tease someone, so he should not be afraid of reprocussions.
Should I assume that all of the students know that it's not OK to shove, either?

Any Thoughts?

Oh man what a situation. I dk what I would do. Those years 11-13 I think are the hardest. I tell my son 2 wrongs don't make a right, so if someone hits him he shoudn't hit back but to fight back w/his words. I tell him this, but does it work probably not.

Oh and at 11 YES they all know it is not right to shove!!

I recently had a situation where my 14 yo daughter came home with a note that threatened to beat her until her nose entered her brain (nice, huh). I took the note to the principal, told him I expected him to take care of it.

My daughter was made out to be a snitch because my actions were independent of her. You need to step in in such a way as to seem to have found out accidently.

I think there is option #4 and option #5-

#4- Tell your DS to stay in the general proximity of an adult in charge. He doesn't need to tell or go stand right next to that person- but be easily within eyes and ears for a few recesses. After a few days, it is most likely (thought not for sure!) that the bully will get bored and move on. On the same note, he could as a teacher he trusts for a job that needs to be done. I've had students ask me for "detention" to up their cool factor and help them hide from bullies. Cleaning the white board or restacking class books :-)

#5- You could confront the other parent or ask for a parent meeting with the principal. Let them know that this is an ongoing problem and that if it continues, you will file a harassment claim with your school district. If it doesn't stop, then file the complaint.

Ugggh.... I am not at all looking forward to the pre-teen and teenage years. I still get sick to my stomach thinking about this girl who bullied me all through junior high. I guess it would be illegal for you to go to school and give the punk a taste of his own medicine (kidding of course!). I can imagine your frustration.

Of course, children as young as three know that it's not okay to bully others as the principal mentioned. The problem is that this bully could obviously care less about the rules, and to place the burden of controlling such things on an eleven year old child who is being bullied is, in my opinion, ridiculous.

I completely agree with CAMom's #5 suggestion. Perhaps you can start preparing written correspondence confirming your the conversations you have with the principal. Dear Principal _____: Please allow this correspondence to confirm the conversation that I had with you on _______, wherein I informed you that _________ has been physically and verbally harrasing my son, _________. Though you advised that _______ should report such behavior to a teacher without fear of repercussion, it is not repercussion from the school that my son fears. Yada, Yada, Yada....... Request that the principal and/or his staff make a formal investigation into your son's complaint and give you a written report with the results of the investigation. Although, admittedly,I am "that" mom who would probably blow something like this totally out of proportion because of what I went through as a child.

I don't have any words of wisdom to share, I just wanted to say that I am sorry you and your son are having to deal with this. My DS, who is 7, is having to deal with the same thing right now. The only difference is that it is a girl who is bullying him and she is telling everyone at recess that my son is a "loser" and now his "friends" don't want to play with him. She went so far as to push him to the ground today too.

It is so painful to watch our children suffer and have to try to help them make sense of the fact that people can be mean. I guess I just wanted to say that I feel for you and to let you know that you are not alone.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

When did the rules change?? If someone hit you first, you were always allowed to defend yourself, without getting into trouble. How do you teach kids to stand up for themselves??

Fighting isn't the answer to things, especially as the kids grow older, but there is a fine line when your a kid.

Wow, I am not so sure I can be helpful. Bullying was a big problem for me in school. And our DS16, when he was 12-13 had some problems with it..

I know many may disagree with me, but if you are struck, you must defend yourself, even if you get suspended. I am not advocating violence, or striking first. Nor fighting just to fight. But IMHO a young man must learn to stand up to the bullies of the world. For our DS, we gave him boxing lessons with his uncle. (I know nothing about boxing, but his uncle was very good) DS learned self confidence, and learned he could take a punch (Big lesson for him) He now has little issues with bullies, He also never actually had to fight the bully when he was younger. Just by being confident in himself, he was able to stand up to him without it comming to blows. I know boxing may not be the best thing, but when our then DS13 got punched hard enough to make his eyes water and his nose bleed, he learned he was still alive, and he was ok, and he could still fight back. For all the moms, please don't be upset about this old fashioned idea, but again a young man has to learn to stand up for what is right, even if it means a phisical fight. I only wish that in MS and HS, I was taught the same lessons my Stepson recieved from his uncle. Confidence in yourself and what you can do is very important to a young man.

Option 4. (what I used to do) Hide. In the library or at the far corner of the playground...

Cathy, Thats how I got the friends of the library award in middle school. (And I am not kidding)