Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Age or Ability Specific Forums Do you ever lie about your DD/DS's age?

I feel bad today. DD 25 mos. went with me to the doctor's office, the library, and the playground. At all three places, people were shocked to learn her age. She was playing hip to hip with children older than her, but their parents thought DD was 3. I had already said she was 2, but the parents pressed on for her birthday (December).

It's happening all the time now and it seems to stop conversation. Worse yet, I try to salvage things by downplaying DD, which of course she hears and understands.

It sounds terrible, but I just want to start answering, "She just turned 3."

The time to lie is when you want your kid to go to a special class you need to be older for... like a computer design class they are 8 months too young for, or the older sessions for instrument lessons. I wouldn't lie at the playground. You don't want to send the message it is ok to lie. The playground is a kinder version of preparing you for school anyway ;-)

Although I did often follow my uncomfortable moments like yours with a comment about the girls gross motor skills. Like lady it is ok my kid is reading the stop sign because she just walked into a wall. Or you could go with bad sleeper or something to level the playing field - if you want to fit in.

Re: leveling the field. I used to do that, but have stopped because I found that DD (and now DS) take it as meaning the way they are (cognitively) is some how "bad" or "wrong" that I have to take drop them down a notch to normalize them to make other people more comfortable. I'm now working on giving a matter-of-fact but nice (I used to feel a bit defensive and it came out in my responses) answers to various questions re: my kids' abilities, age, etc. and *NOT* pulling in a comment about something my kid does poorly. I do however try to take a moment to think about what I've observed about the other child. If someone commented on my DD's reading ability in comparison to her age, I might say something like, "Yes, she loves books". And then follow that with something like "I see your DD/DS is really enjoying X! That is very cool!", for example.

I also use the lowered voice (since that seems to indicate that you're not bragging) and "Yes, he's pretty bright" response. And then I change the subject and go back to my normal tone of voice, usually saying something positive about the other child.

As a response, it's true, short, doesn't belittle my child's abilities, and usually keeps things from getting weird.

The lowered voice is key. Say the same thing in a normal voice and you'd get weird looks. But lower your voice just a little, and people seem to be fine with it.

I agree re: lying. Also, "passing the been dip" is a great tool and, especially, useful when the subject turns the conversation to the other person in a positive or, at least, a non-confrontational way.

I don't lie about age either. I'm also ready to *fight* with someone to have my child admitted to a progam that is appropriate fo them even though they are younger than the stated age requirement.

I've even gone so far as to literally yell at the director of a program and accuse them of age based discrimination, although we ultimately decided that the program wasn't worth the aggravation.

Which brings me to my next point, I've found that if a director of a program doesn't understand what I'm talking about when I bring up age based discrimination then chances are, the program probably won't meet my child's needs anyway.

Another good reason not to lie, if I'd lied and enrolled my child, I'd have found out the hard way(on my pocketbook!) that the class wasn't a good fit.

There are programs out there that say YAHOO when you say your six year old loves (fill in the blank) that normally only 7/8/10 yo do. Those are the places you want to be.

In terms of others taking notice of your child's abilities at a young age, I agree with the others. Smile, thank you, change the subject. I think it's also in good form to compliment their child on something.

I SO agree.

Last semester I wheedled my DS7 into a math co-op for 9-12yos that was taught by the mom of an HG+ child, and she literally ignored him when he spoke. It was so awful! I should have realized that her resistance was telling me it would never work.

This semester, we tried a school for homeschooled kids once a week. In our initial interview and schedule discussion with the school director, I nervously mentioned that I thought the math class for 9-12yos might be a better fit than the usual class for 6-8yos that meets at the same time. She didn't even pause; she was all for it! Gun shy, I pulled back, but she persisted, "Let's try it! If he's not happy with it, he can always transfer into the other class."

That was it! Too easy, I feared...

I worried and worried about it...until I talked to the teacher a couple of weeks into the class. She totally gets DS7 and loves having him in class! She said "He's in exactly the right spot."

I was so relieved! I actually let it spill out about his other 9-12yo math class and how awful it had been, not to mention how nervous it had made me about her class. She actually hugged me and said, "That won't happen here." I believe her!

That's a long way of saying:
YES, if they don't want your HG+ child in the program, you may not want the program.

Ah, tonight in my dreams I will run into a neighbor and say "dang skippy woman, she's a freaking blast of rainbow brain power. we have better conversations than I have with lots of grown-ups. and i love every stinking inch of her history engrossed, multiple book reading, sudoku puzzling, four feet little self!"

You are all right. Not lying isn't enough. Not shying is better. It isn't bragging to answer and move on without in someway darkening their gifts. Thanks you.

Fully lied to Disney to get my DS who was not quite 4 on a kids-only pirate adventure. He would be 4 in two weeks. So we had his birthday party 3 weeks early, then went to Disneyworld. He couldn't read yet and didn't know it wasn't actually his birthday. He thought he was four, told them he was four and was off on the adventure. I knew he was perfectly mature enough and close to the cutoff so I had no shame... plus I didn't lie to him... exactly.

I know what you mean though. We were stopped once by a lady in Walmart who was staring at my DS. He was sitting in the shopping cart going on and on about something related to Magic School Bus. He was barely 2 years old at the time. She rudely snapped that he was far too old to still be in diapers and I clearly had some issues. DS turned to her and said "I'm only 2 lady, what do you expect!" I was mortified that she thought she could just criticize a random stranger... and proud of DS for defending himself while I sat there dumbfounded!

Well, with a kid that smart, you DO have some issues! Just not at ALL the ones she meant!

HAHAHAHAHAHA!