Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Should we just give up?

Hi Bookworm,
Welcome. I'm so glad that you found us.

Did you share with the teacher that DD is crying in the morning?

Can you homeschool her, or let her go back to the preschool?

I'm glad you are aware of your daughers compliant demeanor. In my view it means that you have to be doubly vigilent. Ask yourself, if the teacher reported that she was throwing desks and biting other children, what level of action would I take, and when would I take it. Whatever your answer is, is my suggestion for the speed and seriousness with which you treat this.

Here's my take on testing. Testing is a wonderful way to get a perspective on your child, and to see if they can be expected to thrive long term with one or more grade skips. Testing is for you (and whoever else is on the parental team) to better "know" your child, and to hopefully get guidance as to what to do about your child's special needs.

Schools hate IQ and achievement tests. This is an oversimplification, but in general, a portfolio showing the child's skills and abilities is much more convincing than any IQ test.

Remember, that any communication with the school must be in writing - not verbal, not email. You are ahead of the game, in that you have already established a relationship with the Principle and the Teacher.

This is my guess as your best shot at getting her into 1st grade asap, which I am assuming is your goal. Look at the situation from the schools perspective. What are their issues? They want her to be happy and fit in.

First things first. If you are going back to the Principle, you now need the support of the teacher, or at least to let her know your plan. I would schedual a meeting, let her know that your daughter is crying in the morning and feels like a freak. You cry too, and let teacher know that you don't want your daughter growing up feeling like a freak - you want your daughter in first grade where she can feel normal and make friends. Key words are "cry" and "feel normal." You don't have to mention how smart she is - not an issue from the school's perspective since their mission is to fill identical empty vessels.

Then say, "I'd like your support to approach the Principal for a 6 week trial 1st grade placement. I believe my daughter will be much happier there." Teacher says yes or no. Meeting over.

Then you set up the meeting with the Principle, tears again if the date is more than 3 days away. If you aren't upset, or are willing to wait, then you must not really think there is a problem. As long as you are crying, no one will call you pushy.
I'm not suggesting that you fake tears - I'm suggesting that you openly show your feelings. At the meeting with the Principal, you repeat the "Crying child who feels like a freak, 6 week trial in 1st" pitch, and hand deliver a written version of your pitch.

Keep your verbal utterances very narrow. 30 words, repeated over and over is more effective than a rant. Crying shows emotional importance, ranting confuses people and makes them hate you. Be like a commercial for your program.

Your next step is researching alternate school situations, independent and homeschooling. Find out what are the legal requirements for homeschooling. It's usually very effective to keep your child out of school until the school is ready to give your plan a try, but in some states this will lead to the department of child protective services to land on your door - so get the facts and find out what type of state you are living in. You can call her in sick every day until they talk to you and agree to your plan.

Remember, even if I am correct, and you do everything right, they don't have to do what you percieve as the right thing. You have several things in your favor.
1) Your daughter is female, therefore less likely to be dateless due to being younger.
2) Your daughter is female, and often females will have good organizational skills, good enough to handle the demands of a higher grade.
3) Your daughter is female, so less likely to have handwriting difficulties that make her stand out amoung older children.
4) Your daughter is female, and the perception still exists that there are honorable ways for females to be popular even if they are not stars on the sports field. Being younger is going to be somewhat of a disadvantage in sports, for some children, although it doesn't turn out to be a big deal for many.
5) Your daughter is well behaved, and unlikely to make waves in any environment.

I'm the Mom of a son. The public school made the inverse argument of every one of the above. I would at least like you to be able to waltz in and get your grade skip. If not, you may have to do as we did and try the independent school route. You know, there is some truth to every one of the above arguments in our individual case. But all those potential problems didn't hold a candle to the path we were on.


Even though I'm female, I didn't have any of the traditional female skills -((pout))-except the first one - LOL! My spelling and handwriting are about the same level. I was early enteranced to K, and although that was a good start, it was no where near enough. Too bad for me, that was all there was. I can not imagine life without that early start. As you can see, I have a mind that can imagine being as agressive and confident as men are trained to be, so perhaps I didn't get a bad trade-off for poor spelling and ugly handwriting.

If you don't want a gradeskip, and think that you can make the teacher accomdidate your child, that's a whole different path to pursue - that's were the private testing, Iowa Acceleration Scale Manual, Genius Denied, etc come it. Wherever you are on your path is just right.

Love and More Love,
Trinity

Jill,
I am so glad to hear that your kids situations are better this year. Yippee!
Trin

I can't begin to thank you all for the insight. I felt very hopeless yesterday. I especially think the approach of concern will help overcome the perception of pushy parent, hopefully.

There are, however, a few points that I have yet to mention and that I think will work in my favor as we proceed, but I was so hoping that things would just work themselves out. I did mention earlier that I was in denial, right?

I am a former student of this school system (many moons ago) and was accelerated numerous times in subject matters. As luck would go two of these elementary teachers are still in the school system. I will be connecting with them this week to gather insight and am hoping that they can give legitimacy to some of my concerns.

In addition, I was a teacher for a number of years in a neighboring district. Since yesterday I have contacted a number of friends, particularly GT advocates, to help with assessment and evaluation support as well as approach suggestions. My husband laughed last night and said I have really rallyed the troops!

I do know to be careful not to appear as undermining the teacher and/or principal, especially since we, at least for the moment, we picture our three children attending this school system. In fact when picking up my daughter from school yesterday I made a point to connect with the teacher and let her know how we appreciated her time so early in the year , etc., etc. Kill 'em w/ kindness. Despite how she feels she did give in to our request and approach the 1st/2nd multiage about our daughter for reading. She said it is not finalized, but felt she could make it happen by Oct. 22 (once the K has gotten more of the routine down).

I still have many concerns about the lack of understanding of GT kids and am worried that she is looking to prove us wrong (based on a few side remarks in yesterday's conference), but am at least pleased that she is moving forward w/ our initial plan.

(Final ace up the sleeve that I hope not to have to use, but will if necessary - Superintendent and I received M.Ed. together in Ed. Administration and I have known him for 20+ years).

Oh BookW,
I'm so glad you are feeling better. Golly, You are amazingly well placed! I predict that once the denial wears off, you will be an wonderful advocate for your child.

Imagine, me reminding you to contact the classroom teacher first before going to the principal! LOL!

I do have more questions -
1) Do you, in your heart, want a grade skip or in class differentiation or subject acceleration?
2) How much of a difficulty would homeschooling be?
3) Do you currently consider yourself gifted, or were you "just an early starter?"
4) I suggested that asking for inclass differentiation for a Level III or higher was just asking too much (for most teachers) - does this match your observations of your peer classroom teachers?
5) Are you currently working outside the home? In a school system? Do you have any interest in following up on your M.Ed. degree?
6) Are you aware of homeschool co-ops and small NFP school that give every child an individualised educational plan. Do you have any interest in running one? I predict that if you created an environment where Level III and up kids age 3-10 could school in peace, that you would have folks relocate to be there. Look at the number of people who are moving to send their child to the Davidson Academy in Nevada!
7) Of course what I would really like to see is for you to get this accomplished through the local school system. I think you should start talking to the Superintendent now, not about your daughter, but about trying to get a flexible middle school program in place starting now, so that the kinks will be worked out by the time she gets there. I've long thought that a resource room housed in the High School where Middle School aged kids can go and return from High School level classes as they become ready, and work independently and with help as needed would be an excellent and cost effective way for academically able middle school kids to continue to develop academically during those "interesting" middle school years.

Smiles,
Trinity

Trinity,

I feel truly fortunate to have found this community.

To answer your questions:
1. I find myself facing old teaching assumptions (and myths told to be as a student) regarding grade skip. The Nation Deceived document and other research has been read and reread in my house and my husband and I are having our own revelations. With that said, I am torn. I am sure that my child needs a multigrade skip for reading. Because of her broad reading and interests, social studies and science would be beneficial, too. As far as math is concerned, I am not sure. I know that she could probably handle 1st grade math, but have not seen her explore this area much yet. We have taken the philosophy of feeding the machine. She basically leads the way into interest areas and we provide materials and exposure (insects, sign language, human body, animals, fairy tales, space, etc.). We are pursuing subject acceleration at this stage.

2. We have considered the option of homeschooling, but it is not feasible for us right now (two other little ones at home and my husband and I work albeit flexible schedules).
We had actually hoped that K would remain half day so DD would have her afternoon with us to pursue her own interests, but the school system went to full day K this year. I also hate to see school interfere with a child's education. LOL.

3. I was gifted. I was often sent up a level for part of the day, initially for reading, but then for math, too. I asked my mother about this recently. She never had a conversation with the school. All acceleration was teacher-initiated. My mother would have been too timid to ask. (In fact, I just found out that she never knew that I spent my eighth grade math class in the library studying algebra. Actually, reading Mon thru Thurs and on Fri I would do 5 assignments to turn in. LOL.)

4. Sadly most teachers and administrators can not even identify Level 3s from 5s from bright, hard working students. Differentiation and even acceleration has to take place with someone in the system that at least partially gets it (not easy, but they are there). Believe me, I have fought my battles. At one point, I had a 6th grade class, upper elementary so no possibility to grade skip subjects within the building. Some children needed basic math, some were grade level, but two were ready for algebra. The principal suggested just teach grade level and call it a day. After all, why make more work for oneself. Instead I worked with a couple of neighboring teachers, identified a few kids in their classes and taught the whole lot of them in groups, in addition to an extra algebra session once a week after school. This program sent kids on to above level math at the middle school every year. Amazingly, teachers weren't excited to have the system tampered with, but what a feat for these children (low socio-econ w/ few opportunities). And I was the GT admin's new best friend.
Bottom line - in class differentiation to most teachers means handing the child extra worksheets when they finish what everyone else is doing!

5. I left teaching seven years ago. I desperated needed a change and was planning to start a family. I am working in a completely unrelated field. As far as my degree, I loved teaching but the rest of it was draining. I enjoy focusing on my own "students" at home (3, at last count).

6. I have heard of the homeschool co-ops in passing, but know little about them. Are the NFP schools you mention similar to a type of charter school? (A former dream). I think there is a real need for the place you describe and have had people mention this to me, but again, I am just leaving my gifted denial state...

7. Great thoughts here. I will definitely have to work on a plan.

Seems I am a bit long winded in my response. Thanks for bearing with me.

What is the "Nation Deceived" document? It sounds like something I need to show to my mother, who is 100% convinced that grade-skipping is evil in all cases because it means a kid won't drive at the same time as his grade-level companions.

My husband and I have mixed feelings...

Go to www.nationdeceived.org to download the report. It considers research on acceleration and its effects, not just the assumptions that we are all told.

I hope you find it as helpful as we have.

Thanks! I'm downloading it as I type this, and I'm e-mailing my mom with the web address for the download. Maybe my husband and I will get less resistance from her about the decisions we're making--which may include future grade acceleration--if we have some evidence to back up our choices.

Seriously, I love this forum!

Kriston,
We love having you here! What a treat that you don't have to wander around "alone and in the dark" like I did!
Trinity

Good, you know where you are. I would rather you get an "Assesment -- IQ and Achievment test" than pursue subject acceleration just yet. I'm assuming that you mean "moved to 1st or 2nd grade" during reading. You could mean, given materials at her readiness level in her classroom. I'll call that "in-class enrichment." confusing, yes?

If you want her moved to a different room, then do it if you can do it without spending all of your "good-will capitol." Otherwise scurry to get the testing and see if it's worth your while. If you are trying to get the teacher to do things differently.....that sometimes works and sometimes doesn't - but it makes the teacher the bad guy, and she isn't. Your child isn't the bad guy either, of course, it's an educational philosophy that children like your daughter either do not exist or should go to private schools. You know that your daughter exists. I think the private testing will help you shed your previous indoctrination. If she taught herself to read at 3 and it's your dime, can you travel?

Have you read "losing our minds, gifted children left behind" by Dr. Deb Ruf? That may help in the meantime. Such an amazing experience to see your kid "fitting in" with words in books.

Feeding the machine is wonderful for homeschooling and afterschooling. I encourage you to keep going with this as long as you can. OTOH, School is very different, and for most schools, you want to set her up in the "least worst fit" situation and see what she and the school can figure out together. There's a thread here where we talk about all the amazing things that schools have done for our kids. It's true, schools have done so much, it's just that sometimes the price is way too high.

HTH,
Trinity