With regards to the "rage". I myself have witnessed this. However, I do not believe it is being interpreted correctly. I believe it is impatience and frustration with the other kids. If you listen to what she says when she "lashes out" it is usually something like "How many times have I said?" or "Leave me alone I can do it myself" or "I've asked you to stop that 3 times." I do agree that her behavior needs to be redirected. On the other hand, I know/have observed that it only happens around her same-age peers. If she is playing with older kids or adults, she does not behave this way. Also, the other kids provoke and pick on her by stealing her gloves or crayons and hiding them. They also bombard her with questions like "why do you do this...why do you do that?"
I sounds like you are doing a great job with a kid who doesn't fit societies expectations of how a 'good little girl should act.' The fact that the teacher is lableing the behavior as 'rage' worries me, (you describe the behavior, and identify the causes, the teacher is giving a value laden discription that tends to give an intrapersonal cause) but the fact that the teacher made the mental connection is hopeful. We had to accept the lable that of our son as 'having a difficult time reading social cues' so that he could stay in the elementary school system during the time that we felt that we had no choices. Do I still resent it 'to this very day?' ((One of those phrases that always shows up in my son's writing.))
Yes I do!
Anyway, once we accepted the lable, then we could ask the school for particular accomidations - such as not working in mixed ability groups - where his difficulty might lead to frustration all around. That was the best we could do. I think it stinks. I will say that my DS is now 12, and is much better behaved 'on the outside' when he's placed in mixed ability groups. Now he sort of accepts that he'll just do all the work. At least in Middle School the kids for whom he does do 'all the work' are grateful and don't try to run things. I think it stinks, because actually teaching the children, including mine, how to work together in a group is an important life skill.
I mean, nowadays teachers teach how to take notes from a lecture and how to annotate a book, but I've never seen a rubrik with 'group process' notes on it:
'Did everyone get to speak once before some spoke twice?'
'Did each person find something to praise about each of the others?'
'Did each person have a chance to restate what they understood their job to be?'
'Was there a notetaker who made notes on what parts of the task each person committed to?'
I never have. I guess a family could draw up their own rubrik and have a group project at home...
I just think that there are some kids who shouldn't be placed in impossible situations, and a 5 year old with ODP in a mixed ability group project without adult supervision sounds like an impossible situation to me. The other thing I notice is that adults tend to have a very hard time listening to the actual words of kids and taking them literally. So when your daughter says "I've asked you to stop 3 times." and then lashes out, many people will act like something very mysterious happened. Weird, huh?
BTW, I'm asking myself how I feel when I have to be in the same situation as your daughter at work. I have a lot of strong feeling on the inside that it has taken my many many years to learn how to 'dial down' so that I can move toward my goal of making the bad situation better.
I like the idea of homeschooling over the summer. Getting to know your child as a learner isn't ever a bad thing.
Oh! I threw in the abreviation ODP back there - sorry. It's a bit of slang we've been using around here. The teacher may not get it, but my aunt knew instantly what I was talking about. ((Good News: It's not that we are 'Impossible' we just have ODP! - we laughed and laughed!))
ODP is short for 'outer-directed perfectionism' it has a bit of the feeling of 'not suffering fools gladly' but explains the short fuse that can occur when person A has much higher goals than the situation calls for, and they have to collaborate with person B to move toward the goal. Like 'inner-directed perfectionism' it calls for a classroom situation where the child is closer to their 'learning readiness level,' plus some chances for person A to cry and storm about it in private with Mom or Dad, and Mom and Dad persistiently demand that person A get back in there and try again to behave kindly to all people in every instance.
I think part of growing up is to be able to acknowledge that we feel one way, but keep deciding to act according to our values. It takes many many years, and is part of our parental job description. You aren't bad that your dd hasn't gotten there by age 5 or age 8 or age 12. ((OF course at age 12 she will be viewed as normal to act that way, but that's another story. Weirdly, all kinds of behaviors that created lots of stir in elementary school are now totally excused because of 'hormones.' Weird!))
Anyway, it's a wild ride, and I hope you'll get something of value by sticking around here to ride along with us. It's not like I can talk about this in my neighborhood! I think talking must be an important part of parenting because most parents do so much of it.
Love and more Love,
Grinity
