Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Age or Ability Specific Forums Do you use Reason with your Toddler?

yes, we did (and still do)..... but sometimes we have to have "Mommy law". That's when I just laid down the law.... "It's a dictatorship, and I'm the dictator! Luckily I am a benevolent dictator........ Now do what I tell ya kid, and for the umteeth time..........GO BRUSH YOUR TEETH!"

I agree. I discovered with DS7 when he was 8mos. old that if he understood a rule, he would follow it. He almost never tantrumed, and if he did, it was because he was frustrated that his body wasn't doing what he wanted it to do. Timeouts for him consisted of holding him close until he calmed down and then helping him as needed. Even now, he pretty much only throws tantrums when he's hungry and/or frustrated that he can't perform as he envisions.

I have a hard time being mad about that.

OTOH, DS4 is a totally different personality type, and reason is much less successful with him. He tantrums often and in order to get his way, and usually without even telling me what he wants before he falls apart. It's extremely frustrating and wearing to me. He's also the kid who is now lying and cheating to get what he wants. Obviously the tantrums didn't work, so he's trying another tack.

I think a lot has to do with both intelligence and personality type. In my experience, talking logic with an emotional kid is like speaking Mandarin to a white-bread-and-mayo midwesterner. The message just doesn't get through. Child #2 has been a LOT more trying for DH and I than child #1. But then, DH, DS7 and I are all Spock clones. We speak the same language.

I know that my mom felt I was very trying, and she's highly emotional like DS4. She and I have always had trouble with misunderstanding one another.

What comes around goes around, huh? :p

I was lucky to see my fabulous cousin interact with her 4 kids when DS was an infant. DH and I marveled at how well behaved the kids were, and how my cousin would not just say "no" - she'd give an explanation. We tried to do that to, and it worked wonderfully. We noticed that if we were rushed and did not explain, big fits would follow.

And because of early communication, we didn't have the terrible twos at all, but 3 and 4 had some fantastic tantrums when he didn't get what he wanted! They are getting fewer and further between, but we still get some doozies, and they're almost always in public.

Yes, we had the terrible 1s (when DS7 wasn't yet very skilled at telling us what he needed) and the terrible 3.5-4.5s. The twos were mostly a dream!

With DS4, not much has been a dream...Though he's also much more cuddly and affectionate than DS7, and I describe him as "sunshine on a stick" when he's happy. He lights up a room like no other kid I've ever seen! his pre-K teachers noticed it, too. Very extreme: extremely happy or extremely unhappy, swinging on a moment's notice from one to another, with nothing much in between. When he was a toddler, DH and I used to call him "bipolar baby," actually.

(No offense intended to anyone suffering from the real thing, of course.)

We take the good with the bad, I suppose...

LOL, I hear you and have been very aware of the next stage and am curious about how my DD will be. My friends have wished the terrible twos on me b/c I have always made statements about how much I love them at that stage, so it is safe to say that my friends are holding a grudge against me. :P

I always talk about 2 year olds need to assert independence at this time and I know this is common knowledge, but in the middle of the situation do people remember this? I don't think one of my friends does. It also means, as I say to my husband, pick your battles. Exploring the lights is not really worth getting into an argument and enforcing a timeout. (I know you all are probably thinking my kid is super spoiled little brat, but she really isn't. She uses her manners and says please, thank you, etc.)

So I am a little more laid back on things, but to be fair, I was never a baby talking hold on tight kind of mama. You know the type: IE. baby walking or running in the house slips and falls on his/her knees or butt but not hit his/her head; mama sucks in her breath jumps up and runs to the aid of her baby. That is just not me. My response? Nothing, unless she is crying then I know she is hurt and that gets a simple acknowledgment and kiss.

My favorite was a few months back. DD was in her big girl bed for a nap and I hear a THUMP and then a pause and she starts to cry. So instantly I knew she fell off the bed so I ran up the stairs to check on her. When I opened the door she cried even louder and said "I fell off and hit my head". I really REALLY wanted to say "Mama called the doctor and the doctor said" .... but I was good, however while talking to her it was VERY singsongish. So I held her and asked DD were you jumping on the bed? She stopped crying instantly and said yes in a low voice. That was it. She knew what she did was wrong and she had paid the highest consequences. She seemed to have accepted the bump on her head as the punishment with me not having to say anything. And ever sense that day (Knocking on a serious log of wood) she has not attempted to jump on her bed.

I wish Mr W would use reason with us. It is very frustrating when he is upset about something and we don't know what it is.

That's where we're at with DS4, Austin. When he cries BEFORE he asks for anything, it's hard to help him. Mindreader, I ain't!

You mean you haven't taken the mind reading class yet? Around here they offer it right along side baby 101 and breastfeeding.

What worked for us was just a firm, silent hug until the sobbing subsided. Once he calmed down, we could talk. If I spoke before he was calm, that pretty much derailed the whole process.

This may also work with a 13 year old (but never in public), but whether or not it works would be information that I am not allowed to disclose--sworn to secrecy. LOL.

That is DS6, exactly and he's still like that- he's either bouncing off the walls in happiness and the sheer joy of being alive or lying in a heap on the floor screaming with the fiery rage of 1000 suns. And he's loud about everything, he doesn't have a normal tone of voice, everything is done very loudly.

But for the OP, we do use reason with our kids, especially the toddlers. I give short explinations because I truly believe that if kids understand the rules, it makes it easier to follow them. My kids have a "BS" sensor that goes off whenever DH or I make up non-sense rules and they always call us on it. I'm not afraid to use "Because I'm your mother and I say so" (actually it's usually "I've given you my reason, I'm not explaining it again, if you continue to argue xyz will happen"), but only when we're locked in a battle of wills and they're arguing not because they don't understand, but because they don't like the answer.

The boys (DS4 and DS6) seemed to need less reasoning as toddlers, they heard the explination one time, the consequence for not obeying and that was all they needed. DD2 will usually only obey if I explain (again) why she can't do whatever. But, once I tell her she usually simply says "Oh, ok" and then complies.