Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Age or Ability Specific Forums Do you use Reason with your Toddler?

Am I the only one who finds that using reason with a toddler works? DD 23 months actually comes out of a meltdown when I explain the situation and emphasize with her perspective of disappointment. Isn't this exactly what we are told to NOT do?

Not necessarily. I *try* to do this with differently levels of success. It works more on DS5 than DS2. DS5 likes to have classic meltdowns and getting him to talk about his emotions and his feelings really works. There is a book that we have that goes into details on why this is a better approach (sorry! I don't have it handy and can't recall its name!) but it has to do more with getting kids to talk about their feelings. So you might hear me say things like...

"I see you're really upset"
"You're frustrated. I can understand that."
"Well I wish we could do X. But we can't. Makes me mad too."

etc. And then using that to open up a dialog to explain the situation. This maybe works with DS2 25% of the time and with DS5 50% of the time... though while DS5 is emotionally mature he's pretty darn intense so 50% of the time is not bad in my book.

That's not to say we don't also use stimulus/response approach a lot.

"Don't do X"
>>does X<<
"Don't do X"
>>does X<<
"Don't do X"
>>does X<<
"You're on restriction for the morning"

JB

Whatever works, use it! Some toddlers don't understand too much of an explanation. My dd2.3 does seem to appreciate an explanation at times but at other times she is beyond an explanation and can't stop crying to hear what I am saying. I have to be careful that I don't give her too much attention when she has a meltdown. It seems to feed into it and teaches her that if she throws a tantrum, she'll get my attention. I've started to just tell her that I can't understand her when she cries and whines and she'll need to use words (I say that even if I know exactly what she wants). She can communicate very well - I wouldn't take that approach if she wasn't able to communicate so well.

my kids responded that way, too. I think some people may have thought we were nuts, but it worked for us. Even if they didn't completely understand the explanation, I think the idea that there WAS an explanation made them feel less out of control. It's pretty scary to have your emotions completely spin out of control, and at least for my kids, it helped to hear that it was reasonable to have the emotion and that there was a reason for the frustrating situation. It also, I think, helped ME not feel upset, helped me empathize, and therefore prevented my frustration or upset feeding into a tense situation.

We did work hard on ds6 from about the age of 2 to develop emotional literacy - we noticed he really couldn't handle anger. We started with the 'when your tummy feels upset and your shoulders are tense and your face feels hot, that's probably anger you're feeling..." sort of things. He's fairly articulate now, though he doesn't always know what exactly is bothering him. My recently turned 3yo has trouble with anger, and we haven't worked with him on learning to articulate emotions just out of parental overload. He tends to be ok until suddenly BOOM, he loses it and has trouble hearing ANYthing. Note to self...must do better on that one. he clearly needs help noticing and soothing building frustration before it swamps him. He can take the explanation if it happens BEFORE he explodes. He can take it when upset, whining, but there is a point it's too late.

DD10 was the type of toddler that would comply only when I explained things to her. For example, at barely 2, she would ask for things at the grocery store. A simple "no" would lead to a tantrum. Once I explained to her that we only buy things that are on sale, so we can get more for our money. I'm not sure why I thought she would grasp the concept, but she did. From that day on, when she found something she wanted, she would ask me if the item was on sale. If I said "no", she was fine with it. Of course, certain things like apples and milk were always on sale:)

With DS3, I always explain that mommy can't hear whining and I pretend not to hear him. I also praise the "whine free" moments which makes a huge difference.

Jen

My mother always said that she felt kids deserved explanations. She said that regardless of whether they understood or not, taking time to explain meant that you believed they deserved respect and that you wouldn't just toss them around willy-nilly like you thought they were a sack of potatoes.

Of course, my mother only raised gifted kids, so maybe she had a skewed perspective. But she would maintain that all people should be treated like people regardless of their age or IQ.

I always reason with my DD and we have a 90% success rate. My Ped. was shocked with her communication skills (Talking in complete complicated sentences) and when our Ped. talked to me, she stated that I will probably not have the 'terrible' twos with my DD b/c I will be able to communicate with her. She was absolutely right. I have yet to have a tantrum (knock on wood).

I know the experts argue against reasoning with toddlers b/c the normal toddler is suppose to be like a neanderthal and only understands short responses, but ours (people on this board) are not the norm and our Ped. picked up on it right away and made that connection.

Our DS (now 13) was just fine at 2--no problems. But then 4 hit very hard. He could throw all those years of listening to me reason back at me with full force. He spoke in long complicated sentences, used the tone I used with him, but (being only 4) didn't actually make any sense. Then I would explain back to him why he didn't make sense and he would explain back to me that he was right and then he would start to shout and then I would start to shout and then we both broke down in tantrums. He was a master at bringing me to his level!

Not sure if that is your future, but in case it is, I just thought I'd warn you. LOL.

After 5, though, we have basically done really well with having thoughtful discussions. Even at 13, we do OK at least 80% of the time.

Same experience here, Katelyn'sMom. I always said he deserved an explanation before any request/order - you have to do x because, never because I said so. And he complied. Never had tantrums. But then again, that's probably him. Had meltdowns - but they were related to unmet sensory issues we didn't know about at the time (noise, smells, uncomfortable clothing, etc.) and happened mostly when he was tired or hungry and just couldn't cope with whatever it was that he found distressing.

We used reasoning, but also used the "if...Then" principle.

Ex: If you put the book away, then you can help me cook.

We tried to use this in away that taught sequencing of events, responsibity, and useful skills.

It was not bribery. "If you put the book away, I will give you candy."

My dds liked to have feelings acknowleged ad even to know that you have feelings too. I remember one day, DD7, then 2 wanted to go outside to play and it was really rainy and cold. After explaining to her the "why", we both laid on the floor and hid our faces until she said, "I will get a book, Mommy!" It was a great day where we were able to come up with lots of alternative things to do!