Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Need advice about perfectionism

We've asked for different spelling words because that seemed like the easiest thing to change. The teacher has added 5 bonus words like "nocturnal" and "animal" but DD still has to do the other easy 15 words. She said that it was the best way to do it without having to give certain kids a different test.

I went in yesterday to ask for two things: 1) that she go to a 2nd grade class for LA instruction and 2) that she get harder spelling words INSTEAD of the easy ones. Those were the two things I thought of requesting. I'm open to suggestions for more requests. Apparently she's getting some differentiated centers but the teacher agreed that it's not enough. The teacher's hands have been somewhat tied, I think, based on the fact that the class is very diverse in abilities (she has three special needs kids in the class: 2 GT kids and one child with down syndrome, plus mixed abilities in between). Plus, she's been told that she must stay in line with what all of the other classes are doing in terms of the basic curriculum. This is more of a district policy, I believe.

Back to my requests: I didn't get to talk with the counselor because she's out all week doing GT testing. At this point I figure that I'll just wait until Monday.

And you know, I probably would be more willing to pull her out and try homeschooling if it weren't for the fact that I'm a complete wimp. I'm the PTA president of this new school. I generally think the school is great, it's just not currently working for my daughter. Yet I'm so afraid of what the fallout would be of my pulling her out that I'm really trying to make it all work. I'm hopeful that they'll agree to second grade work in LA and then maybe we could ask for a grade skip. I'm really embarrassed to admit that I'm concerned about what other people will think if we made a change. The rezoning has been such a big deal in our community because of the racial and socioeconomic diversity that it has created. Many people were opposed to the way the zoning was done. It's become "that school" in the neighborhood, and I'm determined to prove to the snobby and prejudiced people that they are wrong. I think very highly of the administrators and teachers at the school, and I wouldn't want people to get the wrong impression. I'm not in a position to just silently fade out; I feel like I'd have to explain our decision, and that's something I'm not sure I could do very well without sounding elitist. See, I told you that I'm a wimp.

I'm feeling like I'm not a very good parent right now. I didn't want this position of PTA president; I was the only one who was willing to even try to organize something. I took it reluctantly because i thought that if we were moving to the new school I wanted to make it the best school it could be. Now I feel like that decision is affecting the way I handle things for my DD, and that really bothers me. I'm probably making it too complicated.

Are there any other suggestions for what I should request in the meeting?

I wish I could help, but I don't have any suggestions. Could you ask for her to be excused from some work? I don't think you sound elitist at all. I understand feeling like a wimp. Sometimes I feel that way for going the private school route instead of fighting it out in the public school. It's hard to know what to do.

Sorry I can't help you, but I wish I could and I certainly understand your feelings.

Well Amy, I feel that I've been there. I think I understand what you are trying to communicate.

It sounds like you have a firm grip on what the problem is, now how do you go about solving it?

A chess game is rarely decided by the second move. Unless you whip out a pistol and shoot your opponent.
(To illustrate a point, not recommending shooting anyone!)

I would suggest you start researching and get as much policy info before the meeting if possible. If you aren't able to that's fine, because it brings me to my next point: I would suggest that you don't expect the majority of your daughter's difficulties at school to be solved in one meeting.

Based on the info you've posted, I'd want to know:

What are the state laws on partial homeschooling?
What are the district published policies on partial homeschooling?

Also, district policy on gradeskipping and subject acceleration. You'll notice I don't care what the policy on differentiation is(ooooooh, harsh, I know).

Since it's the district's policies you want, you should probably get that info from the district office.

You are, after all the PTA president. It wouldn't be unrealistic for you to be tracking down some info to satisfy the inquiries of some concerned parents.

I'm a concerned parent of a child at your school.
There, now you have a clean conscience.

Lastly, I would sit on information you get for awhile and ponder it. I really wouldn't whip it all out at the first meeting.

If you are going to ask about above grade level work at the meeting you should probably have some data to support the request. What data do you have?

When is the meeting?

Thank you, Neato. All great points. I actually have most of that information. Unfortunately we don't have partial homeschooling here in Texas or in the district. The district's policy on grade skipping is in line with what Texas law allows. There's a state test that's administered in our district in June and then July (the state leaves it up to districts but it must be given twice a year), and the student must score 90% in the different categories. I guess it's possible that the principal of a particular school could grant a grade skip without the test, but certainly if a student scores the stated minimums then the district must comply.

One thing in our favor is that the law requires that GT students be given the "opportunity to accelerate in areas of strength." This is one of the four things that GT programs must provide. In DD's case the teacher told us that she's restricted to testing her with the DRA2 for her reading level. She's only allowed to test her to a 24 in 1st grade, which is considered end of 2nd grade level. The teacher said that because of that, and because she needs to show "growth," she tested her at a 20 so that she could "grow" to a 24. But this is all false because she's clearly reading above even a 24, and the teacher told us this. I put all of this in my letter, and then I added the part about what Texas law requires as the basis for our requests.

Do you think it's too "in your face"? Oh, and my meeting will likely be on Monday. I planned on talking with the counselor about our requests and the reasons, and then giving her the letter to document it.

I do not think it's too in your face. There are many ways to approach advocacy.

If you want to talk details p.m. me.

Gotta run.

Thanks for starting such an interesting thread that hits close to home. My DD's in 1st grade too and perfectionism has been a big issue. It started at the end of last year when she started saying, "I hate math." I suspected it was because the math at school wasn't challenging enough and worked with her over the summer.

She went from "I hate math" to "More math!" Sure enough school's started, the math is stuff she's already mastered, and the negative attitude about math has returned. We're trying to keep her challenged by afterschooling and sending in appropriate level workbooks for her. The teacher lets her work in them after she completes the class work.

Another area we've seen perfectionism rear its ugly head is the AR test. The books she's given for AR are below the level she knows is "just right" for her. She gets upset if she misses a question on a Clifford test because she knows the book is too easy for her. I've explained that she's not really engaged in that book and Mommy couldn't remember if Clifford chased a bird or ball in spring either. The teacher has let her take some AR tests on more advanced books she's read. She's okay with missing questions on books she knows are more challenging.

I keep telling DD that what's important is not getting the right answer but that she's learning. I say, "Part of learning is making mistakes so it's a good sign that you're learning things when you make mistakes."

Remember that the PTA has a dual responsibility to fund-raise and advocate. When you advocate for your child you are paving the way for the children that come after her. You have a duty as PTA president and as a mother to advocate and not wimp out!

Yeah, our PTA prez has 3 vp's!

Thanks for the pep talk, inky. And I don't want it to sound like I think I'm more important than I am. We have a great team now and there are some other dedicated parents who worked hard with us over the summer to get everything into place. As much as I've been a cheerleader for the school, though, and tried to inspire other people to volunteer, etc., I think it would raise some eyebrows if I suddenly decided to pull DD out and homeschool her. That's what I'm a wimp about, even though I think about doing just that very thing every day.

I don't necessarily think pulling her out is the best solution though, not without trying to advocate for something better, and I'm not a wimp about doing that.

Thank you for the advice, everyone. And if anyone has any other recommendations for specific acceleration requests that we can make, I'd love to hear them. Based on so many posts of others, it really does seem like 1st grade is a big year for gifted kids who aren't being challenged.

Well, I certainly wasn't campaigning for homeschooling. I just want to be clear about that. There are LOTS of ways to deal with the education of an HG+ child, and while homeschooling is one valid choice, it's far from the only one. I even listed differentiation as an option before I listed HSing, and I'm with 'Neato completely on that one, that it's a last resort. It works great for some kids, but I think there are lots of potential problems with going that route, not the least of which is the fact that there's no institutional blessing for the acceleration; it's at the whim of each teacher each year. Eternal advocacy...

But I also agree that I don't think you can let your position aas PTA president hurt your daughter. If you can't balance your position and your daughter's needs, then I think you have to decide which takes precedence. But with that said, I think you CAN balance the two! Perhaps your position can even help you to get more done for her. Just don't be afraid to advocate for her. Remember that there are lots of parents there for the school; there's only one set of parents there for your daughter!

Amy,
Thanks for clarifying. I was on the homeschool bubble last year so I declined any PTA position for this year. Just before sending in the letter of intent to homeschool, we found out DD's teacher this year is supposed to be a gem. Even so, I'm torn about whether the energy I spend trying to prevent DD from flying under the radar, learning underachievement and developing unhealthy perfectionism would be put to better use homeschooling. If I can get past the first hurdle of getting DD identified as gifted then there's the next hurdle of grade acceleration. The idea of eternal advocacy wears me out!