Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Early College Entrance - radically early

"a type of perfectionism may be keeping him from practicing...
as practicing includes the risk of hearing himself hit an occasional bad note...?"

This very much describes how my SO views singing. Although SO is a talented musician, and skilled in a specific instrument and several other aspects of music, singing is off limits, because of not being a "world-class" singer.

"A milestone in therapy came when they finally could admit that they had lost control of themselves and needed help with problems they couldn’t solve."

This is hopeful. DS12 has reached the point where he can admit he has lost control of every aspect of his life. He's willing to ask for help now. He's... just still unwilling to accept help/advice/instruction he doesn't like. Which is all of it. :P But still, knowing that he's almost to a likely turning point is a consolation.

The article is spot-on. 100%. I think I will send it to his therapist. Thank you so very much for sharing it! Thank you @indigo for additional resources. Also very helpful!

I have a musical child who will at times refuse to do the "boring practice" of work they know, to make to more perfect, more beautiful etc. That seems to be an ADHD thing, particularly polishing scales and technical work.

However, there is also a gap between what is played during practice and what is played for the teacher. Teacher gets the absolute most technically correct work that can possibly be delivered to him, while he begs for feeling and drama. At home, I hear feeling, drama and reckless abandone through the door, at least some of the time. The teacher's instruction IS going in, both on the technical and the artistic progress that is required, but he only gets technical perfection back at the next lesson. This is presumably not ADHD, but rather negative perfectionism and/or social anxiety.

I have actually recorded practice through the door and played it to the teacher to support my view that practice is not equal to lesson performance, which lead to some joking about what a terrible ogre he must be to be causing this grap between practice and lesson approach... This teacher is direct and specific but super thoughtful and kind in his word choices, his expectations are high but his methods gentle and kind. There is no actual reason to fear playing with feeling over technical perfection.

Which is to say, there can be more than one issue at play and the child may not even know which issue is causing what. Or may be so overwhelmed by multiple issues they just refuse to try.

Edited to add: And in fact it's not clear to me whether the fear of playing with more volume, drama or emotion in front of the teacher is about not being technically perfect enough in front of the teacher, or whether it is more a fear of feeling more raw and exposed in front of another person (teacher or otherwise). That to play as per practice would reveal too much of the self?

Thank you for the amazing link, Mumofthree! I was awake on and off last night thinking about many parts of it. How on earth did that guy know my kids so well?

The part about self-sabotage through rude, disrespectful and arrogant behavior towards teachers hit home particularly hard- I honestly think I have some PTSD from dealing with DDs high school years. I was thinking last night about the two teachers she had public shouting matches with, in class...wait, no, it was three, oh wait, four.... really a nightmare, especially as she was up to that point a super-empathetic, kind, hyper-sensitive kid, just as he describes. This article gives me a new insight and framework within which to view that time period. And many parts of it fit my DS, too- really uncanny,

Regarding the musical practice, one of mine, my DS is like this, too- it definitely is a form of self-sabotage, though he often lands the part or the honor despite the lack of practice. I think it’s also as the author described, sometimes it’s a game to see how much he can accomplish without exerting effort. And there is definitely guilt and embarrassment there, as he compares his own effort to achievement ratio with those of his friends. Very complex stiff going on under the surface.

Thanks so much for the helpful link- I have to really think about whether sharing parts of it with either DC would be helpful...