Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Introducing my DS to things--it has to be his idea

I resemble that remark. Parenting DS6 has NEVER been simple. And I would never want to suggest to anyone else that I have a simple solution to their complex parenting challenges. Cause there just isn't one.

I have a personal rule that if I ever find the words "why don't you just..." coming out of my mouth, I stop, apologize for being an asshole, and leave.

I think our girls must be related!
In retrospect, I can tell she was picky from the get go. As an infant, she forced me into breast feeding every two hours, round the clock. The midwives suggested I try to put her on a schedule with longer breaks, 3 to 4 hours (DS9 had taken to a three hour schedule like a fish to water, and slept 6 hours at night from two months on, so I knew it should be doable), but there was NO WAY with DD. She insisted on those round the clock snacks for over a year. I could almost breast feed her in my sleep, simply shifting her round from one side to the other, going to sleep with her feeding. She tried to refuse her purées when we introduced them at 6 months, by 9 months she'd grudgingly accept them as long as i wasn't around and no nursing to be had. No one EVER managed to get that kid to take a bottle, by the way, not even with breast milk.
When she was nine months, I needed to go to work full time for a few weeks and DH had a hard time keeping her fed. We went to the seaside on a weekend, sat on a beach eating fries from a paper bag, 9 months old DD on my lap. I hadn't noticed how quiet she had gotten. When I looked down, she had her head in the paper bag, eating up the fries. It remained on of the few foods she'd eat for many months.

Almost a year later, we decided to work on ice cream - we were in Italy and I was so tired of the shocked and suspicious looks we got from people when she threw a screaming fit over being offered an ice cream cone. She was eating chocolate by that time (for some reason, that one was easy), so we ordered chocolate ice cream with chocolate sauce and chocolate flakes on top. We started her on the flakes, that went well, then suggested trying a bit of ice cream with the sauce - All of it chocolate....she was very suspicious, but it was one of those "hey, they're right, I do like it!" experiences.

A few months later, I had found the Dorfman book and we started her on her very first microscopic bit of mushy carrot. Five hours of screaming, and she never managed to swallow that day. Thankfully, while we have had lots of truly impressive choking and gagging fits, we never had barfing. Though Dorfman has a line for when that happens as well in her book (it Is apparently not so uncommon among the kids she sees, she has ASD kids as well): "oh dear, the food fell out. We will just have to try this again tomorrow". And then try this over again every day, with a microscopic bit of the same food. Apparently, it is her experience that somewhere within that time frame kids stop throwing up and manage to actually notice whether they like that food they were so afraid of or not.
I don't know how one would survive two weeks of barring at the dinner table, though.

How DID you end up feeding your daughter? You must have gotten to the point where her eating was a serious health risk, like we did.

Shockingly enough she has somehow survived on her very limited diet. She now eats most carb and dairy based foods. She'll eat certain fruits and veggies (not a huge variety but better than none). Meat is the biggest challenge - she's still very picky on that front. She will now eat some cookies, cake and ice cream but she's still suspicious of even slight variations of them.

She's always been tall for her age, she's not heavy but then again neither is her brother or cousins (she's actually pretty solid compared to two of her cousins). Cognitively she seems to be quite fine and she has energy galore. Ironically enough the only major illness she's had was salmonella that she contracted on vacation down south when she was 20 months old. Best we can tell she got it from the birds that landed on our table/glasses when we left it unattended. The only local food she ate that week was bread and water (we brought other stuff with us for her because we were worried she wouldn't eat anything there). The reason why we left our table so much - a month before the trip decided she was never going to wear diapers again and potty trained herself in a day so between her and her 3 year old brother we made a few trips to the bathroom during meals. She's a fun one Hopefully she can mostly harness her stubbornness for good rather than evil.

I feel for you on the BF part - neither of my kids would take a bottle. DD nursed constantly as well, I also became very good at sleeping while she ate. Love the story about the fries. DD's first crackers were ones that she stole from DH while sitting on his lap as well. I guess it had to be on her own terms (stolen).

Good luck! I really hope they all figure it out eventually.

I have been following this thread with interest- my now 14yo DS is very, very similar. We too had the gagging and barfing at the table when he was small, so much so that we backed off on forcing anything, just did a lot of (mostly unsuccessful) suggestion and modeling, cooking together, gardening, all that stuff.

I was about to write that things really improved as he got older- he is much more open to trying new things, though it is still uncommon that he actually likes them the first few times around. Eating with peers has definitely helped- he is on a team that likes to eat out, and they prefer Asian style restaurants- he has tried all sorts of things with his buddies that would never fly at home. And now that he's older, he has several vegetarian cookbooks and a couple on nutrition for vegetarians, as well as a few vegetarian friends at school, all of which have helped somewhat.

As I mentioned, I was about to say things improve, when I got to unpacking today's lunch- uneaten homemade pizza, uneaten homemade applesauce, water bottle untouched. He did manage to eat the berries and a fig bar and a yogurt- so that's a win in my book. Somehow he has managed to grow to 6 feet tall despite his limited choices, so I guess something is working.

Hang in there!

Wow - I'm really groking this thread! My kids are so much - all of this- I thought just my family was weird LOL!

DD11 - other than the nursing was a picky eater from the get go - hated all the baby cereals, baby food, pretty much everything. And we have tried everything - nothing works. Even brought in an OT and nutritionist who claimed to specialize in feeding issues. Well, all that money to confirm that she has sensory issues and a preference for "crunchable-meltable" textures. Good to know, but they were not able to offer a lot of useful suggestions.

The only things I've noticed so far that are helpful - trying different restaurants, especially buffet-style. For some reason she seems more relaxed and open to trying things when we eat out - and the buffet lets her try little bits of things to see if she likes it. I've been surprised at the different foods she'll order/try at a new restaurant.

Cooking with her - sometimes works, sometimes not. Often she'll have fun making the food, then try it, tell me it's 'good' and then not touch it again.

Gardening - worked OK when she was little, now she's afraid of bugs. (We have anxiety issues)

Sometimes we visit a farmer's market and I let the kids pick out fruits/veggies to try.

Once we participated in a mother-daughter group cooking class - I was astonished that she participated in and tried everything, including beating the eggs for a caesar salad dressing, which she then proceeded to eat!

For some reason, the things that work are expensive!

DS8 also has sensory issues, but kind of in the opposite way to DD - he's hypo-sensitive in a lot of ways, but does have a good appetite, so food isn't really an issue there.

Both kids have a resistance to parental suggestions. I discovered early on that _I_ could not teach them things - if I want them to learn something we have to contract that out (art, music, swimming lessons). If I have a suggestion for how something could be done better, I pass it on to their teachers and ask them to discuss with the child.

It's frustrating, especially when there are books or movies I'd like to share with them that I think they'll enjoy. Almost all my suggestions are rejected. My kids refused to watch any Star Wars movies for years (DS because it has the word 'War' in it). However with the new movie coming out, DS finally agreed to see the (original) first movie - DD came in while we were watching and stayed to watch - now they've seen them all, including the cartoon versions on Netflix.

Anyway, stay patient - I'm sure it gets better eventually- I'm still waiting...

The rigidity you describe is all very classic ASD behavior.


Yes, it is exhausting.

We forced the issue a lot (which is not standard "good parenting" and is also not popular with many ASD journalists either). This meant we carried a screaming toddler into the woods to go hiking (afraid of bears); we enforced the two-bite rule; we purposefully changed plans to something unexpected; we ran out of bread so that the "ends" of the loaf had to be consumed. We rode out a lot of tantrums but did not let DS's anxiety dictate our entire lifestyle. It got better.

I think that a person who is anxious about trying new things needs to learn through experience that new things are not typically harmful-- which means exposure to new things is the real fix. It worked for us, though it was absolutely no fun in the short and medium term.

My feeling is that if you don't work on it, you end up with an adult who still gets really anxious in restaurants and other situations where something unfamiliar is going on. (We have family members like this.) That's why we chose to invest in working on it, even though it was very trying.


Yep, BTDT. We rewarded with Youtube videos for some years--only IF the bites were done with no fuss. I think it was a worthwhile investment: DS can now cope in any kind of restaurant, though he will still always order the thing with the most familiar ingredients. I think this is an acceptable place to be, because it's functional.


We started with take-out, to minimize public fuss. (Then eventually you get there and the food looks familiar...)

IME having a choice isn't going to help much if what he's anxious about is everything (or everything unfamiliar). ASD makes a person's world smaller, principally through anxiety. We saw our job as parents as pushing to make the world bigger, over and over. Lots of exposure to lots of new things.

Eventually you get to the point where there are fewer things that surprise or freak out the person: they've seen Chinese restaurants before, they know there are several ways to drive home, they have read the required book and survived ...


That is as good a strategy as any. You may want to experiment to see whether the warning helps, or just gives him a longer time to be anxious. YMMV.

It is useful to work on various kinds of flexibility. The Floortime model involves engaged play, with the parent sometimes changing the course of the game. This is useful because it's a non-threatening arena in which to practice small instances of flexibility.

Every single time he chooses to be flexible (or even just copes) is a win and a brain-changing event. Even the tantrums are a learning occasion: this freaked you out, and yet you survived and nothing bad happened. That's learning (not fun for parents, but learning.)

DeeDee

Well, weirdly, things have changed for the better of late. Yesterday he asked me to schedule a dinner that he fiercely resisted once ('I want the roast chicken bits with the broccoli'--aka Mandarin orange chicken and broccoli).

He also tried rice cakes (offered by his therapist) last week and... went on to eat half the bag. Six of them. So I guess he likes rice cakes, then. Maybe we are turning a corner?