Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Learning Environments My DS12 won't go to school. Distributed learning?

Thank you for your comments Indigo and Puffin.

The gym teacher seems amazing and has stressed that marks are on participation and cooperation not skill in the sport taking the pressure off and focusing on fun and learning.
I think it was just an unknown that made him worried. The program he is in is separate from the rest of the school he's in. There are 3 classes that happen with the general school population. He was concerned that he might be singled out or bullied if recognized as being one of them.

The class seemed to go well so that might be a hurdle crossed.

Science contains topics like world disasters and climate change and existential particle theory. Not comfortable topics for him.

I try to talk through what bothers him but it's almost as if he doesn't know himself. Or he's blocking me and doesn't want to talk about it.

Puffin I like your suggestion about insisting on counseling if we go ahead with DL. Though honestly my insisting hasn't resulted in any success so far. Perhaps a limited number of sessions would help.

I'm trying to get a referral to a counselor early this week and will hopefully be meeting with him myself soon. Perhaps he can walk me through steps I can do with my DS if/until I can get him on board.

So now I'm at the point of what if he refuses to go? I imagine there's just no way around the constant back and forth of you should/you have to/ why? etc.

Anyone else go through this?

tillamook, have you tried just making the decision that he'll go, telling him it's your decision as his parent, and he has to do it? If you feel counseling is something he needs, I'd make the decision for him. We've been in stalemates similar to this with our kids between the ages of 12-15ish, when they are mature enough to know themselves well and have strong opinions, particularly with respect to things that dealt with dealing with their 2nd e's. When we get in a situation like this, where we just aren't going to be able to convince our child through a logical basis that they need to do what we feel they need to do, we tell them it's our decision and they don't have a choice in it. You don't have to make it into "go to counseling forever" - you could choose to require that he go to see a counselor for x # of times or weeks or months or whatever, then let him know the option is open to continuing or dropping it, based on what he wants to do then.

Sometimes, my kids who fought so hard against doing whatever it was we made them do, felt relieved just a bit when we made the decision for them. More often than not (but definitely not always), they were glad that we made them go through with what we'd decided they needed to do. The key was, we weren't making a huge number of demands and decisions for them, they were given a lot of choice in things that were ok for them to choose, and we spend a lot of time listening to their opinions, and we value their opinions. We even valued their opinions (and let them know that) when we made a decision for them that they didn't want to agree to. We saved those types of decisions for the things we *really* needed them to do - and counseling in this situation would be one of those things.

Best wishes,

polarbear

But you will need the right counsellor. Going to them a few times yourself to explain your son and assess the counsellor may be wise. I understand about science now. I have never been graded for PE and think it a bit odd but if they grade for participation only isn't that a bit unfair on the kids whose only strong subject is PE? We wouldn't think grades based on participation in maths were fair. Or is it just the kids from his programme who are graded this way?

Tillamook, I'm chiming in not because I have answers but because we have a similar experience with DS17. His anxiety and socially-prescribed perfectionism make it exceedingly difficult to do anything that will be assessed at school, though he does like going to school. He avoids the chaos (eats lunch in a practice room and takes the least-populated route between classes), will sometimes avoid (ditch) a class and a teacher if he can't bring himself to turn in an assignment. In three years of high school, he has turned in 10% of written work.

He took an online course this summer, but of course one still has to be assessed. There was also an online discussion board, and he couldn't post until he was sure that everyone else had finished the course and wouldn't see his posts. He never read the teacher comments on the assignments he turned in...in the last two weeks of the course.

After many suggestions from people at school, and knowing that some of his friends see counselors, he was finally able to go to counseling last year. We told him if he didn't like it after four sessions, we would re-evaluate, probably to find a new counselor. He continued for several months, took a break over the summer, and we are considering next steps now.

After much hesitation on his dad's and my part, he now also takes medication. As his social worker puts it, "he's more DS now." The anxiety no longer makes him curl up like a prickly hedgehog; he just prickles

It was hard to get him to see a counselor. He still won't see tutors for anything, and he needs one for writing. But he's 8" taller than I am and 30lbs heavier, so I can't force him.

He also now has an IEP for the anxiety. Much of what makes him anxious is, unfortunately, part of the landscape of school. We offered one-on-one school, smaller private school, homeschool, to avoid the triggers, but he likes going to his school. He just wishes it had half as many students and no grading.

All this is to say, if you can figure out what is causing your son's anxiety, you can begin to work with the school and talk with a counselor or cognitive behavior therapist. It may be something that will still exist with distributed learning, but you may have ways to deal with it.

Haven't read the whole thread. But science was an issue at this age for my DS, because it was health. 'Science' teacher thought the kids should write affirmations everyday and share personal stuff with her. Did NOT go over well.

I recommend a therapist or a counselor. It really helped my S17 at this age. The trick is finding someone good.

Hi Polarbear,
I like your idea of making it my decision and therefore it will be accepted. I'm not sure if it's the degree of anxiety we're dealing with but I haven't had success with that so far. My lack of success might have something to do with not wanting to force him and that ever present challenge of reaching the power wall. Once they say their absolute no and you can't do anything about it you're at a new stage.

Fortunately this DS sometimes responds to persistent, rational discussion on the topic. We'll see.

Actually I want to report a happy complete turnaround of the situation! Joy joy joy!

Last week DS hit a turning point and it has been good to great since then. I think the initial concerns/worries have been resolved and now he feels as though he fits in and is excited about the program. I would go on about the details but I want to be mindful of some small amount of privacy for him.

Yay! I know there will be bumps as anxiety has been part of his life, off and on since preschool. There will likely be other obstacles that will/may require the support of a counselor.

It does feel that he may be stronger from having faced this and come out okay. I guess we all go through milestones like this.

Thank you everyone for your comments/suggestions and support.

Hi NotherBen,
Thanks for sharing your story. How wonderful that you were able to persuade your DS to see a counselor. Also wonderful that he enjoys his school (despite his anxiety). It's hard to watch them go through all this isn't it?

I completely get the 8" taller and 30lbs heavier thing. We're way past the stage of being able to tuck them under our arms and taking them where we want them to go.

I have a pretty good read on what causes his anxiety - or what he lets me know anyway. It seems like he's turned a corner (see my other post) which helps with the school topics he is uncomfortable with. The teachers have been very good about taking his issues into account - so far. I imagine there's only so much they can do. I guess we'll deal with each of those as they come up.

So lucky to have this board to "talk" to. Thanks again for your comments and support.

Haven't read the whole thread. I did get my DS17 (12th grade) to go to a counselor for anxiety at two different times. (6th & part of 7th) and then (end of 9th - 11th grade.) Two different physiologists. I basically didn't give him an option when he was in 6th grade. Anxiety got so bad at school in 6th he was having panic attacks and throwing fits in class. (In our districts top honors program, it was really throwing a teacher who usually had very compliant kids.) These are the kids I just found out 90% of them won National Merit Semi-Finalists. And a few of them win national math comps. The class was super competitive, huge piles of homework, with EF expectations he doesn't need now in H.S. If I had to do it over I wouldn't have had him in that class. One kid we knew started having migraines from the class & he was eventually pulled out in 7th to be home schooled until they got him in a more relaxed school environment.

I really didn't give him a choice of going to the psychologist and honestly he was so miserable that he didn't fight it. (I think if I had let it go much older I would have had difficulty.) I don't know what I did to get him to comply. I think the trick was I lucked into finding someone he clicked with both times. And I was open minded about the idea it might not work. And what we found was it did help up to a point. During the end of 6th he saw the school counselor (school insisted), his private psychologist (cover by insurance) and I put in a group social skills group designed for kids with ADHD and/or ASP. (There was at least one other gifted kid as well.) He has since been diagnosed as having neither, although the psychologist doing the assessment does say he has some ASP characteristics. The only part he fought was the group therapy but I actually think the group therapy helped more than the private after the few few months.

Initially the therapy helped a lot. The psychologist help him learn how to handle his anxiety, learn how to recognize he was starting a panic attack. And get some perspective on the situation. Skills I just didn't know the best way to teach him. But it stopped being helpful and we took a break and never came back. But this therapist was very impressed how well he understood the concepts and said he could work with him like he would an older teenager because he was a gifted kid.

Things seemed to get better for a while, 8th grade went well, he was happier and did well in school. But when they slipped again in the end of freshman year, I got referred to a psychologist who specialized in gifted teenagers. Took a bit of convincing to get him to go but she managed to get him to talk. (Until the past few years he has taken a long time to warm up to adults.) And she has been very helpful as well. Since he was a teenage I've made sure he WANTED to go and he found it helpful. I think he really liked having an adult that wasn't mom or dad to talk to. We did consider drugs for a while in H.S. but I'm now glad he has managed without.

That said.. things that also helped. Finding a camp where he could decompress and find "his" people every summer. Band/marching band has been a good home for him. He really does well being in a group situation where his role is very well defined. Easing off on the pressure at school but not enrolling him in all of the hardest classes. For him that means AP classes in math/science, not for humanities, and lots of band and a 'light' course load.

As I posted last year. DS17 is a different child than he was in junior high. His pediatrician, and teachers and other adults who have known him for years have noted how well he has been doing these days. I don't know how much it has to do with working with a physiologist, or partially just age. But I know it hasn't hurt. He has been doing well in school this year, which is a good thing as I'm very busy this year and am not keeping an eye on him as much as I have in the past.

Not sure what i would do in your situation. But the 2nd half of 6th grade my son did miss a fair amount of class. I would get a class he'd have an anxiety attack, and I'd just calmly pick him up from school and let him decompress and not make a big deal of it. We started counting down the days till junior high & a new school. His teacher forgave him for a lot of homework. We just sat down and took a look at the homework load, decided since it was all WAY above grade level that it didn't matter in the long range view, and cut him way back. As this is fall of a new school year, I probably would have tried switching his class or moving schools.

I would have done a few things a bit different in hindsight. Wish I had gotten his assessed in junior high instead of end of 9th. Bad 9th grade grades are effecting where he is applying to university. I should have believed myself rather than the 8th grade humanities teacher & not put in him all honors in H.S. And probably shouldn't have put him in this gifted class, it was just there wasn't really a better place.

I couldn't have home schooled him. I just personally couldn't have done it. And while I did look at alternative school options nothing seemed right. (A new school has opened that would have been perfect.) And because he had his heart set on marching band, he wouldn't entertain other H.S. options. But in junior high I did respect that he is an introvert and realized that school was enough social interaction for him and let him come home after school and decompress. There are things he has been stubborn about. I think because seeing the psychologist helped in 6th grade he was more willing to give it a try in H.S.

P.S. I meant to post this in "Anxiety - won't see a counselor".