Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Learning Environments Being the only girl in class

You might also mention that any behavior in a class of a half dozen is under a microscope.

Have her imagine a class of 6 kids, 20 kids, 35 kids and in college sometimes you have a room full of a hundred kids, and a football stadium full of kids and compare in her imagination a non stop coughing fit by one person. Very disruptive in a group of 6, mildly annoying in a class of 20, 35 kids you might register someone is coughing, 100 kids just background noise and stadium full you might never know someone was coughing.

So she might need to use the basket method of choosing her battles....

basket A is unacceptable behavior and worth her energy (usually possible injury, hurt feelings, rude, unacceptable)...someone needs to be informed about basket a behaviors and action needs to be taken (May or May not be her needing to take action).

basket b might be all that stuff that would just be ignored in a bigger class that is just magnified because of the small numbers ignore it, don't get worked up about it. File it in basket b and move on.

Basket c might be the stuff that she isn't sure if it is totally basket b and she needs a place to file it temporarily, might need to discuss with SW or you at a later time to get perspective on.

It helps to visualize placing the situations in the proper baskets.

And she might even realize that the kids are special needs kids and they might just fill her basket b to the tippy top (just the nature of their special needs) and that might make one thing going into basket A be the thing that kind of pushes her over the edge. More frequent emptying of basket b might help (which would be activities like the sewing, running an errand for a teacher, a trip to the bathroom, a little deep breathing). After a while, her goal would be to not even note in her head basket b stuff.

Good luck

Pemberley: Thanks for the update.

If I'm still on target with my understanding of what happened, I'd try to help your DD move on from this a little faster by pointing out that, while the boys might have gotten loud and angry, they weren't going to hurt her, so there's no need to be afraid.

Also, I'd be keen to point out that not all boys behave the same way, because you don't want to encourage stereotyping.

As for this:


I'd give her permission to go ahead and laugh. It's not her responsibility to make sure the other kids behave. She can relax and enjoy being a kid.

And BTW... a "check" is common in half-court basketball, where both teams are going to the same basket. I think it's supposed to give the team that just scored a basket an opportunity to turn around and prepare to defend. After a basket is scored, the ball goes to the other team*, and one of their players takes it to midcourt, says, "Check!", and passes to a player on the now-defending team... who passes it back, and normal play resumes.

*Sometimes a game will be played with a modified rule of "winners bring in," where a team who scores gets to keep the ball, but the play still restarts the same, with the ball at midcourt and a check pass to the opponent.

Thanks for the explanation Dude. I was telling another mom about the incident and she just shrugged her shoulders. DH was listening nearby and interjected "Well of course you have to check it!" The other mom and I just exchanged blank looks. Umm...yeah... gender differences...

The rest of the week in school went well and leader of the rowdy behavior earned "Friday reward" for the first time all year so I am guessing new meds will make a difference for everyone. DD was proud of him and recognized how hard it must be for him to not always be able to fully control his behavior. She also acknowledged feeling a bit guilty for getting rewards for behavior that comes so easily to her when her friends find it so difficult. She really has a heart of gold... She made a comparison to dominoes - if this boy acts up he gets the next one going on down the line. When he is behaving better "it makes it easier for each of the others to keep standing. Well except for the little boys - they don't need anyone to knock them over, They just sort of do it on their own."

Last night was DD's surprise slumber party and it was a huge success. Doing each others hair, nails and make up while talking about "how stupid boys are" alternately with who they had crushes on - a totally "girly night" if ever there was one. Her friends sympathized with DD being the only girl in school and one even said "So that's why we're here tonight - huh?" and went on to explain that even though in her class girls outnumber the boys by more than 2 to 1 the boys are still rowdy and can be difficult to handle.

I think instead of a big party we will do a couple more small get togethers with special friends - including 2 close boy friends and their sisters. OK so she won't be able to include everyone but her birthday will be acknowledged and she'll have time with boys who she is very fond of. That should also help with getting over the idea that all boys are alike. Interestingly before this she had an amazing ability to compartmentalize - she loved the kids even if she hated their behavior sometimes. That is such an amazing skill - I hope she can recapture it.

Oh and I was going to talk to her about loosening up and laughing if she felt like it but she said she has been instructed not to. "No really mom we're not supposed to laugh. We really can't encourage that behavior. We're supposed to encourage them to do the right thing," For better or for worse she is a role model and takes it very seriously.

Glad to hear there have been so many positive moments for your DD!

DD is right, though, the peers do have to be instructed not to laugh, as, if the behavior is reinforced by peer attention, it doesn't matter if teachers use selective attention or ignoring strategies, or any other strategy, with 100% consistency, laughter from the peer group will continue to maintain the target behavior. She may view this in different ways than the staff do, but the point actually is not to be a role model, but simply to avoid reinforcing undesirable behavior. OTOH, if they do something appropriate, feel free to reward them with attention (laughing or otherwise).

Another update:

On Friday when I picked DD up from school she said one of the boys had a basketball game the next day and asked if we could go watch. Of course we did, even though it was almost an hour away from our home. She sat quietly, watching it all intently as I chatted with his parents. Yesterday another of the boys made a point of telling me he was going to basketball practice after school. (Who knew basketball was so popular?) Anyway I told him that if he tells DD when he has a game we would come cheer him on too. He fist pumped and jumped in the air - so, so happy.

When I later told DD how nice I thought it was that she wanted to see the boys play she said very matter of factly "Really Mom I just want to understand what the heck they're talking about all the time." So I think she's figuring out the anthropological approach all on her own. She and I both still wish she had some female classmates but it all seems to be working out..

Hi everyone I'm reviving this thread because I need some real, practical advice.

DD continues to be the only girl in her class but this year is going SO much better. The 2 most rowdy boys have moved on (the ring leader moved to the middle school area and his side kick changed schools) and the remaining boys are all a good fit so it's been a nice, calm year so far. They arranged for DD to have "weekly" discussions with a high school girl to augment her 1-1 HS literature curriculum. I figured it would be a double win - a good discussion partner and maybe an older female friend. The other girl chose "The Odyssey" as their book. DD loves Greek mythology so was thrilled. It seemed a good choice with no content to worry about for DD's younger age. Unfortunately they have only met together once as the HS girl isn't always available as planned. (This week they missed it so high schooler could work on her essay for college applications. Not really something my 5th grader could relate to...)

Anyway here is where I need advice. How would you parents of girls deal with the whole puberty issue in this scenario? No health class, no other girls to discuss or compare with. Knowing DD was the only example these boys had in their midst I opted out of age appropriate discussions with her last year for fear she would become extremely uncomfortable. (Personally I am *extremely* uncomfortable with the whole topic and was happy to have an excuse to avoid it. Unfortunately time... and puberty... wait for no one so it is now biting me in the rear end...) I now have to play catch up and am in a bit of a crisis situation...

One of her best friends is a gifty and very precocious - comes from a medical family so is MILES ahead in her knowledge of this stuff but also several years behind developmentally (only hit the 50 pound mark at the age of 10 1/2 and looks more like a 7 year old...). Her mother and I had decided earlier this year to do a girly-info session slumber party along with another friend who has 2 older sisters and whose parents are both OB/Gyns that refer to this as "dinner conversation in our house." I thought their extreme comfort level would be a great balance to my own discomfort and would help demystify everything. Unfortunately that friend moved away before we could do it. DD will be sleeping over at other friend's house this weekend with the specific intent of having girl conversations about all of it.

I have heard great things about the American Girl books "The Care and Keeping of You" and "Is this Normal". I like the idea of her reading at her own pace and level and then (gulp) answering questions as they arise but with a kid with serious LD issues this isn't so easy. She is finally decoding at a 5th grade level so I was able to get the book for younger girls but have not been able to find a way to download an audio version which would be easier for her.

So what would you suggest? I have handled all the LD, anxiety, migraine, school issues,, etc head on but this one freaks me out. Advice please?

We're big fans of the "It's so Amazing" book and there is one by the same authors geared at older kids as well. I will caution that it covers some topics that some families might consider touchy so pre-read if you think this might be an issue.

We did this when the kids were younger so it wasn't a big deal that we read it at bed time and then discussed (we were always reading to them anyways...). I wasn't the most comfortable about this but it really helped me that I was just reading the book rather than trying to figure out what to say on my own. Once we got the ball rolling it became easier. Some deep breathes and I survived. I just kept reminding myself that my level of comfort was irrelevant to my kids getting factual information for their health and happiness. Eventually I actually felt not too bad about it and it opened the door to hopefully continue to have discussions as this stuff actually becomes relevant to their lives.

Not sure that helps, good luck!

Do you have access to BrainPop and BrainPop Junior? I remember when my DS was 6, he was watching an episode on the difference between bodies of males and females and puberty and it was done in a very informative way. I remember only because of the torrent of related questions that I had to answer after that. It is a good resource to get started with.

I would read the American Girl book to her and tell her she can ask questions as you go along. DD just turned 10 and she is very average for her age in terms of growth and I don't see any obvious signs of development, but pediatrician told me I should be assembling a "kit" for her to put in her locker, getting her the books (and he suggested the AG book as well), etc. I was thinking Whoa, she still looks like a little girl to me, but there was a little bump on the growth chart, in terms of height (personally I think it's because of the greatly reduced dose of her ADHD meds, not impending puberty).

As the OP has redirected the thread to a question of approaching sex ed, here is an old thread discussing approaches to sex ed for a 10 year old.